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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Various curiosities.

1. Jake and I are currently trying to figure out what to be for Halloween.  I’m torn between Dead Barney and Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Dead Barney is awesome because, well, it’s dead Barney.  But if I go as Sheldon, I get to wear awesomely cool nerdy shirts which of course means more babes. But if I go as Dead Barney, I will make Norm upset at the inappropriateness of the costume, and you know how much I love to make Norm angry.

Decisions, decisions.

2.  Jake said he wants to be a Cleveland Brown for Halloween.  He says his costume will consist of 12 footballs suspended from his waist with string. You know, for all those passes they drop.  I support this costume idea.

3.  Check it:

And the picture is this:

I approve of this shirt and if you buy it for your human child, I won’t have a problem with it at all.

If however you buy THIS shirt:

I will use these supposedly puny little arms to [redacted by Norm] you.

4.  An email from an adoring fan:

Hi Rex,

We were in Pittsburgh a couple of weeks ago for Podcamp Pittsburgh and had a great time. When we got back to Texas, we found one of your cousins. He said his name was Tia Juana Saurus Mex, he said he was a distant cousin, twice removed. He wanted us to send you a picture so here it is.

Cheers,

Rafael Marquez

Hmmm. I don’t recognize this dinosaur at all. And he’s awfully tiny for a dinosaur. And I don’t know why, but I have the strongest desire to beat him with a stick until he pukes candy.

Which is surprising because I’m not normally a violent dino.

What?

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. Well the G-20 is over and while many of you stayed away either because you wished to or were told to, I have to tell you, international reporter babes are so much fun.

I would tell you “Don’t tell Sally” but she was up to her eyeballs in love with a reporter from France, so I don’t think she would even notice if I was otherwise occupied with international reporter babes.

I wonder if River Rescue ever fished that reporter from France out of the Mon.  No clue how he got there.  At all.

Also, best part of the G-20? HORSES!

What?

2.  An adoring fan of mine, @getfreshdesigns, sent me this picture:

It’s a T-Rex game and the object of the game is to flee the angry, monstrous, king of beasts, the terrible tyrant lizard T-Rex.

Please note the box says you will move “realistic dinosaurs” safely away from the T-Rex.  I assume this means the dinosaurs cry like little babies all, “Don’t eat me! Please don’t eat me!”

I approve this game and if the maker of this game would like me to film commercials for this game, I will put that loser Sham-wow guy to shame.

3.  Pittsburgh is wondering what happened to the lions that normally guard the Dollar Bank on Fourth Avenue.

Norm even posted about it!  Here’s the before when the lions were on guard:

Here’s the now:

As you can see, their handler/wrangler is just staring at their empty seats wondering where his charges disappeared to.  You know his tranq gun is hidden safely in that bag, locked and loaded.

Um, those are my buddies Leo and  Leonis (they’re twins doncha know?) and when they read about my adventure in stealing the Stanley Cup, they came to me and said, “Rex, your life is so awesome and all we do is sit there on our pedestals and sleep and eat the occasional bank burglar.  We wish we had lives as exciting as yours.  And a girlfriend as hot as yours.”

I’m paraphrasing a bit.

So I instructed Leo and Leonis to find themselves an adventure.  I’m expecting a postcard back from them any day now.

I think they said they were heading east first.  Something about New York City.

I’ll keep you posted, Dollar Bank, and I’m sure as soon as they’ve sown their wild oats, those two rascals will be right back guarding your building before you know it.

And to you, dear readers, if you see Leo and Leonis’ handler around and he asks you if you have any idea where they’ve gone, repeat after me: “I don’t know anything about that.”

4. Finally, no, I can’t talk about the Steelers right now.  I’m too mad, it’s too painful, and Norm has told me I’m under no circumstances to eat Limas Sweed.

Even though he deserves it.

Rawr.


Rex

Twitter time!

As you know, I often lurk around twitter just to be keep tabs on what Norm says about me, to be sure I don’t need to terrorize any people that are making jokes about my ferocious and enormous arms, and to see what the babes are saying about me.

Usually they’re saying, “OMG. I LOVE REX! HE TOTALLY WINKED AT ME TODAY!”

Don’t tell Sally.

Today, I saw this:

That is the most hilarious joke I have heard all week, no, all year, no, IN THE HISTORY OF TIME!  What an unexpected punchline!

Here’s a joke I just wrote: What lives now, has dog poo for brains, and goes “OW-OW-OW-OW!”?  Whoever wrote that joke, getting the stretchy treatment from me.

Also, here’s what Norm had to tweet about:

I don’t know ANYTHING about that, Norm.

Heh.

Finally, I just recently discovered that my hero Dr. Sheldon Cooper is on twitter!

I don’t need to click on the link to know that it will probably take you right here to my blog.

It’s nice to be appreciated for the genius that I am.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. Mwah-hahaha!  Mwah-haha!  Mwah-ha!

Hah-ha!

Heh.

[cough]

I’m not up to anything at all, why do you ask?

Wink.

2.  I’m still going through my vacation photos to pick the best ones to share with you.  I especially like the ones of me going over the Niagara Falls.

Just you wait.

3.  Pittsburgh’s PrideFest was held last month and I found this picture in my inbox.

First: Fuscia is another color I look awesome in. Second: What about DINOSAUR rights?

I’d like the right to marry Sally, vote in the mayoral election, and skinny dip in the Mon without the humans getting all up in my face about the waves washing their cars off the wharf.

4. AIP’s website got a new visual look, but the most important thing you should note: I’m on the front page now!

5.  Two things on twitter:

That links takes you to this post.  Note the text on top of the box: “Your very own ‘real’ baby dino.”  Good thing they put the word real in quote marks because that deformed ball of green fluff would absolutely be mistaken for a real baby dinosaur.  If you’ve never seen a giant monstrous killer death lizard roll its eyes, you’re missing quite a show here.

6. Also this:

Aw. Norm missed me. And don’t be fooled by the “kind of” nonsense because I heard from Sally that when she dropped by Norm’s one day while I was on vacation, she found him huddled on the floor in the fetal position, cradling his tranq gun in his arms while moaning, “I miss my best friend!”

Which is great because then maybe he won’t feel the need to tranq me once I do that sneaky mwah-haha thing I’m not really going to do.

Totally going to behave myself and not steal the Stanley Cup. Wink.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. No posting yesterday because I was busy with Jake, finalizing plans for the super secret caper we’re going to pull off that has nothing to do with a certain 35 lb. cup-like trophy currently residing somewhere in Sewickley. Nothing at all.

Heh.

2.  On twitter, I saw this from an adoring fan:

Well, you need only take a look at the movie poster and you’ll quickly see that this will be the greatest movie of this human generation and that it will win every single Oscar next year, even the foreign language film. It’s going to be that epic.

Woolly mammoth. Mmmm.  Plus, they come already equipped with after-meal toothpicks.

3. Are you jealous that Norm gets to hang out with a giant awesome dinosaur all the time? Do you wish you could get your own giant awesome dinosaur to wrangle and yell at and tranq?

Now, for the low low price of $48,000, you kind of can!

4.  Now, brace yourselves for some Math!

1 fearsome handsome dinosaur +

6 months +

20 hours of classes per week -

3 hours of necessary sleep per night +

1 time suctioning mentee

+ 35 tranqings

= VACATION!

I’m spending next week visiting my friends all around the world.

First stop, Scotland to visit my best friend Lester.  Here we are swimming in the lake the last time I was able to get out for a visit:

(source)

Ah, I can already hear the relaxing sounds of nature and the horrified screams of the people.

Someone be sure to check in on Norm for me from time to time, okay? I’m sure he’s going to miss having me around for target practice.

See you in a week!

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species: , , , ,
Rex

im in ur bordz …

funny pictures

Today is all about hockey.  I can’t stop thinking about hockey to the point that Sally can’t stand to be around me anymore because I’m like, “And then I ran into Matt Lamanna and hockey I chased him hockey for about three hockey blocks before hockey he started crying hockey hockey hockey.”

I can’t argue with her that I’m being obsessive.

There are so many things being said today by Penguins fans as we pump ourselves up.  Things like:

Psst. Councilman Peduto? THEY’RE going to take THEIR stuff over THERE.  Okay? Okay.

And so many pictures being emailed around as we attempt to express visually that which we feel way deep down but can’t find words adequate enough.  Things like:

Those pictures were actually created by AIP staff member Sunil Ketty

But despite what we say and despite what we create, it all … always … comes down to math.

Mojo > No Mojo

Iceburgh > Stinky dead eight-legged cephalopod

Everything on Earth > Marian Hossa

Me > Everything on Earth

Penguins > Red Wings

Rawr.


Rex

And it was so.

… and it came to pass that Rex was very prophetic.

What did I tell you? You eat their terrified octopi, you take away their mojo.

One down. Three to go.

Also, suction cups are delicious and very sucky.  In a good way.

My willingness to eat one for the team, so to speak, has gained me some new lady admirers on twitter:

My responses are, from top to bottom:

  1. I love you, too. (Don’t tell Sally!)
  2. No. (Don’t tell Sally!)
  3. LIAR!

I would sooner kiss that [redacted by Norm] “Dr.” Matt Lamanna before I would ever reject a kiss from a babe. She must have me confused with another handsome dinosaur.

And then there’s this.

Yeah, you go poop out a penguin and then come back and tell me if “funny” is really the appropriate word to describe the experience.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  It begins Saturday. Red Wings. Penguins. Rematch.

Let’s break it down with Math Time with Rex: Making you Mathier

1 2008 Red Wings team

+ 1 very despicable Marian Hossa

+ Bad Karma

- God

+ The Devil

<

1 2008 Penguins team

- 1 despicable Marian Hossa

+ 1 Bill Guerin

+ God

+ Good Karma

That’s right. This year, we’re the better team.

2.  I found another great picture of my hockey-playing days for you to enjoy.

I agree with you, orange really is a great color on me. Wow.

Note the blood stains on my teeth. It goes without saying that this was an exceptionally bad day for Blor’s kid Blor.

You’re going to high-stick a monstrous killer death lizard, you’re going to get up close and personal with the hangy thing in the back of my throat.

Yes, dinos have those, too.

You learned something today!

3.  This KIND of makes me feel bad about how much I hate the Red Wings:

God help me, but I kind of love Beth, too.

Don’t tell Sally!

She’s still mad about Gertie.

4.  When I first saw these cookies being sold at the Pretzel Shop in the South Side I thought to myself, Rex, clearly these people are huge fans of yours and so much so that they have baked cookies in your image.

But then I noticed the cookies were … purple.

And then I realized maybe these are … Barney cookies?

BARNEY COOKIES?! In PITTSBURGH?! WHERE I LIVE?!  WHERE I RULE?!?

I didn’t get a chance to “speak” to the owners because I blacked out.  I suspect Norm tranqed me, but I can’t be sure since when I came to he was nowhere to be found.

So listen, if you see Norm cowering somewhere in fear mumbling, “Just sit still. Stop shaking. He’ll never look here.” Don’t disturb him. Just tell me where he is and I’ll play hide and seek and eat with him.

He loves that game.

Rawr.

 


Rex

Various Curiosities.

1.  What in the name of the lightning bolts of Zeus has gotten into Evgeni Malkin?

He is a man on a mission and that mission is to win the Stanley Cup and hopefully to give us more interviews like the one that he gave yesterday in which he basically said, “Mom. Love. Cook. Game. Goal. Dad. Shoot.”

Those were all the words I understood.  I tried to translate more but I don’t speak Hockey God.

And then there was Norm on twitter, as the game ended, once again showing off his death grip on the English language.

That’s poetry, Norm. Is that how you say “hat trick” in Hawaiian?

2.  How long do you think before Geno’s parents just start making out in the stands when he scores a goal?

3. I think I’ll watch the next home game at the big outdoor screen with the rest of the fans. Norm, I’m going to need you to get there early and block off a 15-foot by 15-foot space for me. Use velvet rope, please.  If anyone gives you a hard time, tag their shoulder with a Sharpie and I’ll maim them when I get there.

4.  Rexrolled you!

5.  Do not freak out, because I freaked out a little bit and broke some sidewalks (Sorry, Mayor Luke!  Send the bill to AIP to the attention of Paul Pezich).  Would you look at this computer mouse that transforms into a Monstrous Killer Death Lizard?

This is a very very okay product!

If he knows what’s good for him, Norm is getting me one of these for Christmas.  I’ll probably give him my usual gift … stress.

6.  A NOT Okay product?

A dinosaur pinata? NOT okay!

Hey, how about I shove some hard candies down your throat and then beat you with a pointy stick until you puke them back up?

7. Math time!  My new motto for this portion of the blog is “Math Time with Rex.  Making you mathier because you’re chromosomally inferior.”

I still love you, so help me help you.

2 regular weekend days +

1 holiday day -

1 dinosaur wrangler who is busy partying on Monday -

1 imminent threat of tranquing +

1 dinosaur with the knowledge of Matt Lamanna’s whereabouts =

No posting on Monday.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities.

1. Let’s go Pens!

Have you noticed I’m growing a playoff beard?

2.  I have a sense of humor and as proof, I tell you that this list of “9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex” gave me a chuckle (if you were downtown, maybe you felt it?), particularly reason #4.  Ignore reason #2, because it’s just not true. What is true? Carcass is delicious.

3.  Here’s a twitter update that gave me pause.

I don’t need to click on that link or speak the language to know that I’m being insulted.

fugle? sagt pip? wraaah?

Yeah? So’s your mother!

Zing.

4.  Math time! I understand Americans lag behind other countries in their math skills, so I consider it my duty to help you get mathier.

1 girlfriend named Sally +

1 ex-girlfriend named Gertie +

1 accidental meeting while Gertie is in town +

1 girlfriend unaware that ex-girlfriend existed +

1 flaring nostril * 2 +

1 underhanded insult lobbed by Gertie to Sally +

1 blatant insult lobbed by Sally to Gertie -

1 monstrous killer death lizard who knows better than to get in the way =

Dino-fight!

According to the Richter Scale, Sally won.

That’s my girl.

Rawr.