All this hockey insanity (I still have the Mojo Octopus in my jaws. It has been bolted and booby-trapped and possibly wired with explosive dino poop, so again, step off) means that I haven’t checked in with Cat and her jaunty hat lately to give you advice from a dinosaur’s perspective.

Let’s see what delicious nuggets of wisdom she wrote this week:

DEAR CAT: Last year at this time I was diagnosed with cancer and began months of chemotherapy. I am happy to say I beat it and am now cancer-free! My question to you is: Am I damaged goods, so to speak, when it comes to women and dating now? I am a single, straight, never-been-married, educated thirtysomething male. I’m pretty average-looking and in decent shape. I have a great family and wonderful friends. Why am I still single? I have always been a “friend” to girls, not a “boyfriend,” and I don’t know why. Since I’ve had limited success in the past with women, it seems that being a cancer survivor is a strike against me. I appreciate your thoughts. — DAMAGED GOODS?

REX’S CALL: I’m a guy. A giant, handsome, muscular guy, so I didn’t think I could offer advice to you about this, so I asked my girlfriend Sally to give you advice.  She said:

SALLY’S CALL: Mmmmmmmrawr. Cancer survivors are hot. Don’t tell Rex.

Uh, Sally, I’M RIGHT HERE! God.

Anyway, sir, you’re not damaged goods. Go find yourself a girl, grab her by the shoulders, show her a scar and say, “Yo. I beat cancer. Kiss me.”

How do you think I landed Sally? I grabbed her and said, “Yo. I beat the extinction. Kiss me.”

Rawr.

Here in Pittsburgh we have an advice columnist named Cat and she’s incredibly cute (don’t tell Sally!) and wears a hat that can only be described as jaunty.

Mmmrawr.

Cat gives advice each week from the human perspective, but I thought perhaps you would like to see advice on the same issues from the dinosaur perspective, because this dinosaur’s perspective is 65 million years wise.  You might learn something.

The first question from today’s column:

DEAR CAT: My office has an open floor plan, with four cubicles positioned so that when we’re working, our backs are to each other. I get along well with my cubical mates, but two of them have a habit of pulling out nail clippers and trimming their nails as they sit at their desks! The office is relatively quiet, and I can hear every snip, snip, snip. Yuck! Am I being prudish? If not, can I tell them to please take care of personal grooming in the restroom or at home? Perhaps I should offer them nail polish next time? If it matters, I’m a woman, and they are men. Would your answer be different if I were a man and they were women? — CLIPPED NERVES

REX’S CALL: You don’t specify if they’re clipping their fingernails or their toenails.  That matters. If they are clipping their fingernails, while that is a bit yucky, it’s not that terrible.  Maybe they’re typing and they realized their nails are making clicky sounds.  I can’t tell you how insane the sound of my claws clicking on the keyboard makes me.  If however they are removing their shoes and socks and are sending sharp shards of ooze-encrusted toenail matter piercing through the air, then that is disgusting and classless and you should stomp them good then tear them limb from limb.  Survival of the classiest.

And the second question:

DEAR CAT: Three years ago, after beginning a long-distance relationship, I moved here to be with a man I fell in love with. When I arrived he was cold and uncommunicative, and over the next two years I learned he had had multiple extracurricular relationships before I arrived (some physical, some merely e-mail). He had said we’d be exclusive, and I kept up my end of the bargain, but he has not. He has never done anything special for me, not even a holiday card, just a text message. I’ve had some bad luck: car accidents, falling out with my family, a job loss (I’m still unemployed), and we agreed to stop our relationship so I can concentrate on getting back on my feet. The problem is, I can’t stop being angry with him and blaming him for this. I have no friends here, no support system, and I can’t move because I am financially ruined. I think of his big house, secure job, loving children and his wealth. I feel like I have been lied to and used. I need to move forward. Any advice would be great. — NEAR RUIN

REX’S CALL: I can fix this and make you feel better, too.  Here’s how.  What you need to do, Ruin, is go to this man’s house and stomp him good then steal all of his valuables and send him a text that says, “That’s the dinosaur way.”  Let me know if you need help.

Rawr!