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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

I did it for you.

Dear Pittsburgh,

The Pirates won their home opener to the tune of 11-5 and I just wanted to say, “You are welcome,” and that “gifts of carcass are customary in such a circumstance.”

Fearing that 17 years of losing wasn’t enough motivation for the Pirates to play like winners, I decided to go and give a little motivational “pep talk” to the team before their first game of the season.

And by “pep talk” I mean teethy, rawr-filled threats of bodily harm.

Let me answer your questions now: No, I wasn’t invited. Yes, I broke in. No, Norm didn’t know about it.  Yes, someone called him. No, he wasn’t happy. Yes, he went Rambo on me with it.  No, I don’t know anything about the 150 pounds of hot dogs that disappeared.

Yes, I could use some Pepto, thanks.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

Mail time.

Mixed in with the adoring fan mail I receive, are letters that I feel deserve a public response, as opposed to the normally private responses I send stating, “You’re cute. Call me. Don’t tell Sally. Bring Carcass. Rawr. Rex.”

1.  Reader Sean wanted to know what I, the King of Steeler Nation, predicted for this year’s Steelers.  Here are my responses:

  • Number of James Harrison sacks: Not enough.
  • Limas Sweed’s numbers: 1 and 4.  And I bet when he does math he’s all, “Drop the 1, drop the 3, drop the …” because it’s not like he catches or carries anything.
  • Stefan Logan, greatest returner in team history or another Allen Rossum?: You mean that guy that basically handed the ball to the other team last week?  I predict he gets eaten by a dinosaur named Rex.
  • Will Jeff Reed be arrested during the season? Seriously?  That’s like asking “Will we have a cloudy, gray day in Pittsburgh this fall?” or “Will Norm tranq Rex into next Tuesday when he learns where Leo and Leonis just showed up?”  There’s a 100% chance of yes.
  • Who will lead the team in touchdowns scored? Not Willie Parker that’s for stinking sure.
  • Season prediction (please include the team record): This season will rock and the team record is “Renegade.”

That was easy.  You’re welcome, Sean.

2.  This is from reader Paul:

With you being the biggest and most ferocious Pittsburgh sports fan out there I was hoping that there is some way in which you can help out the Pittsburgh Pirates. First I thought you could give them a pep talk on how the city wants to see the Pirates succeed. Afterall look at how we have embraced the Steelers and Penguins, don’t they want to have a parade with several hundred thousand human fans and one awesome dinosaur? If that won’t work you can scare them into being being better with a ferocious RAWR and your intimidating demeanor. Maybe you can send in Jake to practice his intimidation skills, also to Norm to tranq the upper management staff into doing everything in their power to get a better team. I just want to see the Pirates do better just as much as you like eating octopus for an appetizer.

Aw. How cute.  He wants to see the Pirates do better.  First, tranquing upper management won’t do anything but make them even more dead to winning than they already are.  What they need actually is a kick in the pants and by pants I mean bum and by bum I mean wallets.  But you’re in luck, Paul!  They lost 99 games this season.  It’s not like they can do much worse. HAHAHAH!  That’s a joke.  They can totally do much worse.

3.  And finally, this from hot babe Shannon:

Rex, just wondering if you ever gave Jesus a lift?

To be honest, once when he was a kid I did let him go for a ride, but only because his asteroid-hurling Dad scares the poop out of me, so I pretty much had no choice.  I did it for the survival of my species.

You’re welcome, species!

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. The Pirates are unloading players like crazy these last few days.

I wonder if the Pirate Parrot is available for trade because if it is, I think you know what to do: trade a pack of gum for him, knock him unconscious with a tranq gun I’ll give you that I totally didn’t steal from Norm, and then after you’ve rendered him unconscious, bring me the giant bird. With some salt and pepper. And a giant toothpick.

Love you.

2.  The Steelers signed Heath Miller to a six-year deal, which was a smart move considering he is the one human on Earth I consider the closest to being a dinosaur. Or a machine. Or a robot. Or a robot dinosaur.

Let’s go with that.

3.  I think I’ll take Jake to the next AIP open house so he can meet some more humans. I take my mentor duties seriously and the lad clearly needs to practice his don’t eat the people skills.

Stop by and say hi to us if you come. We don’t bite.

LOL!

Get it? We totally bite. Hard.

But still, say hi!

4.  I have been foiled over and over again, mostly by Norm, in my attempts to steal that cuppy thing that lives at Mario’s house.  I’m bringing in reinforcements though, so watch out, Mario. Watch out.  It’s about to get all ninja up in here.

5.  A thought: There needs to be a movie about a ninja dinosaur and I need to star in it.

I’m glad you agree with me.

6.  Smithsonian.com has a post up about the Five Worst Dinosaur Movies of All Time which led me to a movie so bad, so atrocious, so hilariously devoid of anything positive that it might actually make your day.

Let’s do MATH TIME WITH REX!  Making you mathier because I care.

Girl in a brown bikini + dinosaur puppet + director + script – talent – special effects budget – plot – more talent + ridiculousness*763,000 = HAHAHAHAH.  HAHAHAHAH!  HAHAHAHHA!

I can’t pick my favorite part of the trailer. Maybe when the girl leapfrogs to safety, or the giant fake alligator, or maybe when the big fake Graboid shows up.

There’s no telling!

Worst movie ever or WORST BEST movie ever or BEST WORST movie ever?

I can’t decide. But I do know this, Ninja Dinosaur will win an Oscar.

Rawr.


Rex

Being all mentor-y and awesome.

Jake had never been to a baseball game before, so of course I insisted he and I attend a Pirates game as part of our Big Dinosaurs of America mentor/mentee time.

I have been a baseball fan since before your grandparents were born, as evidenced by this picture I fished out of my stuff (Hey, Norm, I messed up my stuff.  Clean it please?)

(source)

I know.  It is a great hat.

So, back to present day, I took Jake to the ballgame today to experience the ballpark, the atmosphere, the hot dogs, and of course, the pierogi race.

Here’s Jake devouring a Primanti’s sandwich, to which he said when he saw the size of it, “You’re joking right? Are there 600 more where this came from? I’m going to need something a little more elephant-ish in size.”

(source)

(Jake’s creator)

But then the pierogi race started, and well, as you can see, Jake saw the humongous pierogies running away from him and his hunter’s instinct kicked in, because not only is chasing prey a huge adrenaline rush, but how often does a dinosaur get to chase a fleeing giant pierogi of all things?  Almost never.

So, here’s Jake on the hunt, and there’s me watching from the stands.

(source)

Look how scared that pierogi is.  You should have heard it beg for its life as Jake neared.

I have never been so proud.

The manatee has become the mento.

Rawr.
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era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species: , ,