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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Math Updates!

As you know, I like math, so let me give you some updates using math:

1. Penguins!

1 motivated Sidney Crosby +

1 really angry Sergei Gonchar -

1 Capitals goalie *

the fire of 1,000,000 suns =

dominance.

As you recall yesterday, I predicted dominance by the Penguins to the tune of 5-1.  6-2 is pretty close to 5-1.  I’d tell you how close, but that’s not my kind of math.  Pretty close.

I’m thinking about growing a playoff beard. I’ll keep you posted.

2.  Paint!

1 terribly talented monstrous killer death lizard+

2 perfectly useful arms +

1 canvas +

10 colors of paint -

1 color of purple because purple is Barney’s color and Barney is a [redacted by Norm] +

2 giant dino-sized brushes=

Masterpiece by Rex

My first effort will be posted soon.  I should warn you though, I’m pretty freaking awesome.

That elephant that paints is about to be pwned.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He7Ge7Sogrk[/youtube]

Oh, please. That video? Photoshop.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  Sorry that I didn’t post yesterday, but I was in mourning.

If this were twitter, that previous statement would have been hash-tagged with #STUPIDPENGUINS!

2.  Tonight, they win it in seven and they’ll do it with dominance. I’m saying 5-1.

Are you laughing at me?  We’ll see who’s laughing tonight when the next Evgeni Malkin interview goes something like, “Ah, yes, ah, love to mommy and daddy and we knowed good game and uh, we have the heart and the skating to uh, KICK THEIR STUPID BUTTS! WOO!”

Don’t let me down, Evgeni.

3.  So I was checking out AIP’s calendar and saw this was happening tonight:

05/13/2009

SPRINGTIME BOUNCE HOUSE

Springtime Bounce House and Rita’s Italian Ice from 5 to 9 p.m. in Shannon Hall

I have no idea what this is, but my goodness am I going! I can only assume they are going to have one of those giant inflatable bouncy things for us to jump in.  I hope I don’t pop this one like I destroyed the last one.  Stupid sharp pointy talons of death.

Or maybe they have a room with padded walls and a springy floor and we all get to bounce around like we’re in a mosh pit.  So many things this could be.   I’m going to find Norm and find out if I can bring Sally as my date and also to find out if they have enough Italian ice for a dinosaur.

4.  I have no clue as to what this man is doing to Barney, but please, by all means, continue.

5.  I’ve decided to take up painting during these warm summer months.  I’ll let you know how my first effort turns out as soon as Norm gets me that canvas and paints I asked for. This is an ART school, Norm. You’d think this kind of stuff would appear at the snap of a finger.

[snap]

[snap]

I’m waiting, Norm.

Also, if the Pens win tonight, try to stop yourself from just tweeting the whole alphabet at us. Use your words, Norm.

6. It is such a nice day out, I think I’ll go chase some students.

I’m kidding!

Watch your backs.

Rawr.


Rex

Rex remembers

I dug up some more pictures of my hockey-playing days for you, because I like you … because you’re my friend … because we don’t talk about ME enough.

I’m a bit older than I was in the previous post in which I was playing with a bunch of violent rugrats.

Here you can see that I then played with a bunch of brutish whippersnappers:

First, notice the eye of the tiger I’ve got going on there.  That’s just full of win.

Second, notice that there are no fans in the audience. This is because I ate them.

Wow, you really need to calm down with this thinking I eat everything in sight. I’m JOKING. I didn’t eat the humans. I ate their kids.

Again, J-O-K-I-N-G.

Do you always twitch like that?

Third, yes, I agree, I do look great in blue.

Fourth, no that’s not Blor’s kid Blor. That’s Glor’s kid Glor. Again, the cavemen, not the brightest asteroids in the sky.

Fifth, that was as close as anyone from the opposing team got to the puck that day.  I’m pretty sure the score was 56 to 1.  They only managed to score when I took a snack break TO EAT EVERYONE’S PETS!

You’re twitching again.

Here’s a much older picture from when I was first learning to skate.

Can you find me? It’s like Where’s Monstrous Killer Death Lizard Rex?! I’m in there somewhere, laughing at their stupid hats.

Rawr.


Rex

Twitter scrounging.

When I’m bored, which tends to happen when the foot traffic slows down on the Boulevard (Rex + no humans to scare = bored monstrous killer death lizard), I like to search around the twitterverse and see what I can find.

Today was an exceptionally good hunting day with me placing just as many people on my LOVE list as I did on my KILL AND EAT list.

First are the LOVE:

Took the words right out of my pointy teeth-filled mouth.

I HEART YOU, TOO, CALIPANTHERGRL! (Don’t tell Sally!)

Isn’t that just cute as crap!?

Wow. Quoted on twitter! I feel so famous.

Hey, that IS the sound I make when I run!

It could be, lcmcbeth. Especially if you live in Pittsburgh anywhere near “Dr.” Matt Lamanna.  He’s so fun to chase and the more speed I get going the more “booommmm shaka-laka” it gets.

Now these are the KILL AND EAT twitterers:

So original. Bravo.

He was a “LOVE” with his first tweet on the bottom there, but by the time he tweeted his last tweet at the top? KILL AND EAT!

Oh, again! Bravo! Encore!

Die.

This one is neither LOVE nor KILL AND EAT.  It’s just funny!

And finally, there’s my wrangler Norm who tweeted this immediately after Letang’s goal last night in overtime:

Wow, Norm. Your English is solid as a rock, my friend.

Rawr.


Rex

Rest easy, Mr. Sykora

Yes, Petr, there is a Santa Claus and his name is Norm and look at what Norm made for me:

Adjectives you’re currently seeking: Amazing, astounding, staggeringly handsome, Adonis-like, virile, ravishing, majestic, pulchritudinous, Rico Suave.  Circle one.

You can rest easy, Petr. I’ll not be coming for you in your sleep tonight to make you my newest life sized Penguins bobblehead and you can thank Norm for saving your scrawny butt.

Now that Norm and I have done our parts, you and the rest of you slacking Penguins (not you, Sidney. Hat trick = good), GET TO WORK AND WIN FOR THE LOVE OF GERTIE!

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Various Curiosities.

1.  As you are aware, the Penguins are deep in the throes of the second round of the playoffs and I am STILL not wearing any Penguins gear. Not a flag, a jersey, a stick, a puck, a sliver of ice, a helmet, the lifeless body of Marian Hossa. Nothing.

Norm, if I don’t have something Penguin-y by tomorrow, do not blame nor tranq me when I’m forced to either steal a real live tuxedo-wearing slippery penguin from the zoo or to just grab a Penguin from his bed (probably Petr Sykora – he’s not too busy) and then stand here and wave his angry, thrashing body like a flag to passersby.

Sure some of them might be asking, “Is that guy screaming in Czech begging us for help?” but most of them would be saying, “Good ole’ Monstrous Killer Death Lizard Rex. Now THERE’S a true fan.”

Me. Penguins. Make it happen.

2. Hey, look. I’m famous and stuff now. Stop by and see me and maybe I’ll give you an autograph if you bring me meat.

3.  Today’s edition of Okay/Not Okay involves dinosaur cartoons.

Here’s one that is okay:

Cute kid.

And here we have NOT OKAY:

Wow.  That is so original. Oooh, look at the dinosaur, look at his tiny little arms, look at his giant gnashing teeth coming at me, look at the enveloping darkness.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  Oh, Penguins.

Grrrrr.

2. Oh, FSN and The Great Outage of 2009 During Which Pens Fans All Over Pittsburgh Came Close To Descending On FSN Headquarters While Moaning BRAINS. BRAIIIIIIINS.

Hisssssss.

3.  In comments to my post about the students being do-gooders this week, two people commented wanting to remind you students to complete your FAFSAs because you only have until next week to do it and if you don’t do it, you can kiss your financial aid money goodbye.

Then I imagine it will be like that Geico commercial where everywhere you turn there will be a pile of cash with eyeballs on it and someone will say to you, “Oh, that? That’s just the money you could have had if you had BOTHERED TO FILL OUT THE FAFSA!”

Do it, because I told you to. Because I care about you. Because I will bite you if you don’t.

See what you did? You made me resort to violence.  I abhor violence.

What?

4.  My marathon training is really going great with me running 26 miles in an hour yesterday. I would have gotten a better time if I didn’t swing by the Carnegie Museum to … uh …

Never mind.  I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, NORM!

5. Why Calvin should be in charge of everything forever and ever.

I accept.

6.  If the giant T-Rex skeleton at the Carnegie crumbles to the ground this weekend, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Rawr.


Rex

Rex Remembers

I don’t know about you, but I don’t recall breathing from the time the Flyers scored their goal until the time Max Talbot put one in the net during last night’s Penguins game.

That was meteoric fireball intense. I would know about meteoric fireball intensity.

You might be surprised to know that I played hockey as a young lad with the cavepeople’s children in a youth league called “We can’t figure out the wheel, but we made an ice hockey rink!”

What?

Anyways, you seem skeptical. Luckily for you my mother emailed me some photos.

First, here’s me with my team.

What’s happening is that blurry kid skating away from me is CaveMan Blor’s kid Blor (cavemen are giant stupidheads in case you can’t tell) and he had just said to me, “I can’t wait until you guys go extinct!”

To which I responded, “[redacted by Norm]!”

As you can see it takes about a dozen human kids to stop me from eating Blor’s kid Blor.

Here’s me in action doing Sidney Crosby type things 65 million years before Sidney Crosby’s existence.

See that human kid #55 in front of me all crouching with his knees buckled together. That was the first time I realized I could make humans lose control of their bodily functions. That was a good day.

I’ll see if I can find more pictures from my hockey playing days to share with you soon!

Also, I’m STILL not wearing any hockey gear and it’s making me look like a bad Penguins fan. Have you seen Norm lately? Was he feverishly sewing a giant Malkin jersey while openly weeping?

Good.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  Why am I not wearing any Penguins gear?  We are halfway through the first round of playoffs and I’m standing here COMPLETELY and UTTERLY NAKED!

If this were football season, I’d at least have a dead raven or a mangled cardinal or a begging bengal in my mouth by now.

2.  Norm won’t let me tweet on twitter, but he told me that Oprah recently joined twitter.

Oprah is on twitter?!

What could she possibly have to tweet about?

Oprah Made a gazillion dollars today.

Oprah Spent a billion dollars this afternoon.

Oprah Made a trillion bamillion eleventy google dollars this hour

Oprah Living my best life.

Oprah Spent a billion dollars

Oprah Living my best life with the rainbow of fruit flavors of my chi.

I mean, really.  Some people don’t need to be on twitter.

3.  Is Barney on twitter?

I don’t want to know.

4. One of AIP’s own was profiled in the Tribune Review.  He is Barron Whited, the director of counseling.  I bet he’s the guy Norm runs to when I make him cry.

5.  Ignoring the grossly minuscule size of the arms, here’s a really wonderful t-shirt you can get from Snorg.

Rawr doesn’t really mean “I love you.”  SOMETIMES it means “I love you” and sometimes it means “I’m going to eat you.”

It’s all in the inflection.

Also, that girl is cute.

Don’t tell Sally!!

6.  Chasing a wild turkey the other day, I ran 10 miles in three minutes.  This is stellar time, so I’ve decided to run in the Pittsburgh marathon.  Which means I REALLY need to find those shoes or the person that stole the shoes. In the meantime, I’m running barefoot.  Hopefully I won’t get injured because it would be just like Norm to take me to “Dr.” Matt Lamanna for treatment, and the next thing you know I’m a poorly assembled statue of rickety bones placed in his museum for the kids to look at.

Rawr! (guess which one I mean)


Rex

Various curiosities.

First off, so sorry for not posting anything yesterday.  I thought I had a reading on the whereabouts of “Dr.” Matt Lamanna so that I could, ah, never mind.

He’s still alive, okay?

Lots to talk about today here in rainy, but not cold Pittsburgh:

1.  PITT!!

I don’t know where you’ll be tonight, but I’ll be glued to the television watching Pitt demolish Xavier and that traitor Sean Miller.  Forgive me for not wearing my Pitt is It! shirt, but apparently my handler/wrangler Norm has better things to do than show his support for our local universities.  I mean, I get that this is AIP and that I represent AIP … oh, I get it.  Never mind.  Don’t send me a nasty email, Norm.

2.  The local mayoral election is getting fired up now with debates between the candidates being scheduled.  I must say I find your “elections” with your “voting” and “civilized transfer of power” to be quite amusing.  Seems to me the dinosaur way is best: whoever doesn’t get eaten, wins.

But since you’re all civilized and stuff now, I have got to wonder, like Calvin, where do the candidates stand on dinosaur issues?

I speak on behalf of all dinosaurs when I say that we’d like bigger french fries, bigger urinals, stronger pavement, and the eradication of scary scary clowns.

3.  The Pittsburgh Penguins are winning the Stanley Cup this year.  I feel it in my bones and my bones are rarely wrong.  Like that time that asteroid was coming at us and all the other dinosaurs were looking at it saying, “Oooooh.  Pretty.”  but I had a bad feeling and I went and hid in the mountain cave.  Thank you, bones.

If they do win, I better be outfitted in some serious hockey gear for the parade, do you hear me, Norm?  I want a helmet and a giant stick and a Malkin jersey in XXXXXXXXXL and a puck bunny on my arm.  Don’t tell Sally.

4.  Here’s a quote from an article I found this morning while reading my Post-Gazette (also, mayoral candidates, we dinosaurs would like larger newspapers):

Tyrannosaurus rex, a meat eater and the most famous of the dinosaurs (emphasis mine because it makes me feel good), was about 35 feet long. Figures for the longest and tallest are expected to change with ongoing finds in the Southern Hemisphere.

Yeah, if they ever find my friend Andrew C. they are going to be astounded.  Andy could crush fifty hadrosaurs with one foot.  Also, have you ever had a hadrosaur pancake in your life?  Delicious.

I miss Andy’s “cooking.”

5.  Finally, Norm wanted me to mention this event coming up here at AIP on Saturday:  Sketchy Jr.

This is a chance for students in grades 8-12 to draw to a live DJ and win prizes and stuff.  Norm tells me that models dressed as video game divas will be here.

He said something else, too, but I stopped listening after “models dressed as video game divas.”

Rawr.