Presented by The Art Institute of Pittsburgh

Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

And it was so.

… and it came to pass that Rex was very prophetic.

What did I tell you? You eat their terrified octopi, you take away their mojo.

One down. Three to go.

Also, suction cups are delicious and very sucky.  In a good way.

My willingness to eat one for the team, so to speak, has gained me some new lady admirers on twitter:

My responses are, from top to bottom:

  1. I love you, too. (Don’t tell Sally!)
  2. No. (Don’t tell Sally!)
  3. LIAR!

I would sooner kiss that [redacted by Norm] “Dr.” Matt Lamanna before I would ever reject a kiss from a babe. She must have me confused with another handsome dinosaur.

And then there’s this.

Yeah, you go poop out a penguin and then come back and tell me if “funny” is really the appropriate word to describe the experience.

Rawr.


Rex

A Picture Story, with words, by Rex

You might be surprised to know that not only am I incredibly handsome and astoundingly mathy, I’m also quite the author.  Here’s a little story for you, perhaps one you’ll want to share with your kids before you tuck them in tonight.

Once upon a time there was a dinosaur, the handsomest most feared dinosaur in all of the land.

We’ll call him Rex.

In addition to being the eyes, ears, and sharp pointy teeth of the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Rex was also the Ruler of all the Nation of Steeler and the biggest Pittsburgh Penguins fan on the planet.  Literally the BIGGEST!

It came to pass that the evil, hated, and let’s be honest, quite ugly Red Wings came to town for the Stanley Cup finals after having won the first two games of the series — something that caused Rex to question his finely honed math abilities. But that’s another story.

The Red Wings had an unofficial mascot of sorts in that the fans would regularly toss an octopus onto the ice before or during a hockey game.

Yes, kiddies, an octopus. Is their mascot. Because they are dumb.

But that’s another story.

No, it’s not! It’s THIS story! They’re very very dumb.

Rex, being fearsome, decided to show the People of the Land of Octopi what’s what.

He went to his pageboy Norm and demanded that an octopus be brought to him or heads would be chomped off and spit into the Mon.

Luckily for Pageboy Norm, his friend Jim Lokay from KDKA-TV had an octopus. On his person. This raises questions, but that’s another story.

The octopus was terrified when it saw Rex, with eyes that pleaded please don’t eat me. I can’t help it if my people are stupid!

Rex ignored the pleas of the doomed octopus and gave it a nice squeeze to make sure it was squishy enough.

It was.

And Rex ate the CRAP out of that octopus, the Penguins won the next four games, Rex was regularly smooched by pretty girls and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

Rawr.


Rex

Parenthetically speaking

Yours truly was mentioned in the Post-Gazette’s article about HockeyTown Cafe:

The fee had proved too much for Michigan State University and the NCAA, which decided against decorating the statue during the Final Four basketball tournament at Ford Field. At the time, news reports had the fee at $25,000. (In Pittsbugh, the Art Institute of Pittsburgh has created a Penguins jersey that’s fit for a T-rex, and it adorns the dinosaur statue near the building’s entrance on the Boulevard of the Allies.)

First, I’m not even going to mention that they misspelled the name of our city. Whoops. I guess I just mentioned that they misspelled the name of our city when they misspelled the name of our city.

Not that I’m mentioning it.

Second, wow, I’m getting very famous and I love it very much. Hopefully next time they can actually mention my name.

And maybe spell it right when they do it.  Let me help. C-R-E-A-T-I-O-N   R-E-X   I-S   T-H-E   K-I-N-G   O-F   P-I-T-T-S-B-U-R-G-H.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

A sudden craving for suction cups.

I just don’t get it. My math is superb so I don’t understand why the Penguins are down two games when my math showed that we should be sweeping the Red Wings.

I must have gone wrong somewhere in my equation and I’ve placed a call to Sheldon for help.

Maybe it needs some Higgs Boson or some string theory or possibly Schrodinger’s Nom.

If the Red Wings win, placing the Stanley Cup into the quivering hands of Marian Hossa, we can all be sure that God has a terrible sense of humor.  Further proof can be found by looking at the Nigersaurus.  I was once friends with a Nigersaurus named Niles, but he kind of got tired of me pointing and laughing.

While the two losses have been very un-awesome, what has been awesome is my playoff beard.

Behold the before:

Behold the now:

We need to end this season before I’m tripping on my beard.

The Red Wings come to town tomorrow and suddenly, I’ve got a hankering for octopus.

Norm?

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  It begins Saturday. Red Wings. Penguins. Rematch.

Let’s break it down with Math Time with Rex: Making you Mathier

1 2008 Red Wings team

+ 1 very despicable Marian Hossa

+ Bad Karma

- God

+ The Devil

<

1 2008 Penguins team

- 1 despicable Marian Hossa

+ 1 Bill Guerin

+ God

+ Good Karma

That’s right. This year, we’re the better team.

2.  I found another great picture of my hockey-playing days for you to enjoy.

I agree with you, orange really is a great color on me. Wow.

Note the blood stains on my teeth. It goes without saying that this was an exceptionally bad day for Blor’s kid Blor.

You’re going to high-stick a monstrous killer death lizard, you’re going to get up close and personal with the hangy thing in the back of my throat.

Yes, dinos have those, too.

You learned something today!

3.  This KIND of makes me feel bad about how much I hate the Red Wings:

God help me, but I kind of love Beth, too.

Don’t tell Sally!

She’s still mad about Gertie.

4.  When I first saw these cookies being sold at the Pretzel Shop in the South Side I thought to myself, Rex, clearly these people are huge fans of yours and so much so that they have baked cookies in your image.

But then I noticed the cookies were … purple.

And then I realized maybe these are … Barney cookies?

BARNEY COOKIES?! In PITTSBURGH?! WHERE I LIVE?!  WHERE I RULE?!?

I didn’t get a chance to “speak” to the owners because I blacked out.  I suspect Norm tranqed me, but I can’t be sure since when I came to he was nowhere to be found.

So listen, if you see Norm cowering somewhere in fear mumbling, “Just sit still. Stop shaking. He’ll never look here.” Don’t disturb him. Just tell me where he is and I’ll play hide and seek and eat with him.

He loves that game.

Rawr.

 


Rex

Sweeping up after the Scattered Showers

No, I’m not doing chores, regardless of how many times Norm and Sally have asked me to clean up after myself.

I asked Norm to get me a broom to celebrate the Penguins’ recent sweep of the Carolina Hurricanes.

Or as I call them, the Carolina Scattered Showers.  Poor inconsistent, random, isolated Scattered Showers.

Did you notice that Sidney Crosby and other Penguins touched the Prince of Wales Trophy when that is considered to be bad luck? It is interesting to note that your friend Rex had a role in the origin of that superstition.  You see way way way … WAY back when I played hockey, my team did not win the Prince of Wales Trophy and as they presented the trophy to the captain of the winning team, Blor’s kid Blor … well, I lost it.  I couldn’t stand to see him touching the trophy, so I chomped him good and he never skated again.

Thus, kids, it became known that it is really bad luck to touch the Prince of Wales Trophy.  You could get chomped.

But moving on, bring on the Red Wings. Bring on Marian Hossa (mostly so I can eat him). Bring on their giant smelly octopi. Bring it all. The Penguins will have an answer.

You’ll also notice from the above picture a few other things:

1. Playoff beard, still awesome.

2.  Me, still handsome.

3.  Background, we’re getting ready for graduation here at AIP.  Doesn’t it appear that two of those arms belong to a person trying to grab my tail, or worse yet, grab my butt?

Wow. Both of those are really really bad ideas.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities.

1.  What in the name of the lightning bolts of Zeus has gotten into Evgeni Malkin?

He is a man on a mission and that mission is to win the Stanley Cup and hopefully to give us more interviews like the one that he gave yesterday in which he basically said, “Mom. Love. Cook. Game. Goal. Dad. Shoot.”

Those were all the words I understood.  I tried to translate more but I don’t speak Hockey God.

And then there was Norm on twitter, as the game ended, once again showing off his death grip on the English language.

That’s poetry, Norm. Is that how you say “hat trick” in Hawaiian?

2.  How long do you think before Geno’s parents just start making out in the stands when he scores a goal?

3. I think I’ll watch the next home game at the big outdoor screen with the rest of the fans. Norm, I’m going to need you to get there early and block off a 15-foot by 15-foot space for me. Use velvet rope, please.  If anyone gives you a hard time, tag their shoulder with a Sharpie and I’ll maim them when I get there.

4.  Rexrolled you!

5.  Do not freak out, because I freaked out a little bit and broke some sidewalks (Sorry, Mayor Luke!  Send the bill to AIP to the attention of Paul Pezich).  Would you look at this computer mouse that transforms into a Monstrous Killer Death Lizard?

This is a very very okay product!

If he knows what’s good for him, Norm is getting me one of these for Christmas.  I’ll probably give him my usual gift … stress.

6.  A NOT Okay product?

A dinosaur pinata? NOT okay!

Hey, how about I shove some hard candies down your throat and then beat you with a pointy stick until you puke them back up?

7. Math time!  My new motto for this portion of the blog is “Math Time with Rex.  Making you mathier because you’re chromosomally inferior.”

I still love you, so help me help you.

2 regular weekend days +

1 holiday day -

1 dinosaur wrangler who is busy partying on Monday -

1 imminent threat of tranquing +

1 dinosaur with the knowledge of Matt Lamanna’s whereabouts =

No posting on Monday.

Rawr.


Rex

Penguins, pride and poop.

Today I obliged some of the staff at AIP with a photo op to give them a chance to show off their Penguins pride on this the day of Game 2.

Here’s the group shot:

1.  Notice they brought me gifts.  A black and gold pom-pom and a Winter Classic blue hat.

I love my people.

2.  Notice my beard. Still frickin’ awesome.

3.  Notice that none of the babes are kissing me on the cheek. I’m sad by this. (Don’t tell Sally!)

Here’s me and my wrangler Norm who surreptitiously doffed his hat and holstered his tranq gun so as to appear harmless.

1.  Notice whose playoff beard is awesomer.  Hint … rawr.

2.  Notice that Norm used PhotoShop to make himself appear taller. That’s sad.

3.  Notice that I have apparently just pooped out a penguin.

I am never eating at the zoo again.

Rawr.


Rex

Teaching the humans how it’s done.

Eat your heart out Mikey and Big Bob.

Eat your heart out Mario Lemieux.

While you all are growing beards for charity, and that’s a wonderful thing because as you know, I’m a very charitable person provided you don’t steal my shoes, make fun of my arms, look at my girlfriend wrong, look at me wrong … uh.  Anyway, your beards are positively nothing but pre-pubescent chin scruff.

This, humans, is how you grow a hockey playoff beard.

You do it overnight using the sheer force of your awesomeness.  While you sit here and admire the insane potency of my machismo, I am going to see if I can use the sheer force of my awesomeness to convince Norm to find me some carcass.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , , ,
Rex

Various Curiosities.

1. Let’s go Pens!

Have you noticed I’m growing a playoff beard?

2.  I have a sense of humor and as proof, I tell you that this list of “9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex” gave me a chuckle (if you were downtown, maybe you felt it?), particularly reason #4.  Ignore reason #2, because it’s just not true. What is true? Carcass is delicious.

3.  Here’s a twitter update that gave me pause.

I don’t need to click on that link or speak the language to know that I’m being insulted.

fugle? sagt pip? wraaah?

Yeah? So’s your mother!

Zing.

4.  Math time! I understand Americans lag behind other countries in their math skills, so I consider it my duty to help you get mathier.

1 girlfriend named Sally +

1 ex-girlfriend named Gertie +

1 accidental meeting while Gertie is in town +

1 girlfriend unaware that ex-girlfriend existed +

1 flaring nostril * 2 +

1 underhanded insult lobbed by Gertie to Sally +

1 blatant insult lobbed by Sally to Gertie -

1 monstrous killer death lizard who knows better than to get in the way =

Dino-fight!

According to the Richter Scale, Sally won.

That’s my girl.

Rawr.