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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Apologies for my stink

It has been very muggy and humid here in Pittsburgh as of late and I don’t know if you know this, but what humidity does to curly hair (Sally is SUCH a whiner about that), has got nothing on what humidity does to dinosaur skin.

Humidity + sweat + dinosaur skin + random drops of carcass blood * 50,000 = P.U.

I decided to do Norm a favor and go take my semi-annual bath a few weeks early when I encountered THIS:

What have they done to my spa bathtub at the Point?! It is completely dry!

This needs to be fixed immediately because believe you me, I can live with the smell, but as for you humans, I apologize for the scent of putridity and rotting flesh that is currently permeating downtown Pittsburgh.

On the bright side, now you know what Alex Ovechkin smells like.

Rawr.


Rex

They started it, right?

I eat two measly little Canadians, and ANNOYING Canadians at that, and the Habs fans think they can steal some of our mojo by stomping on a Sidney Crosby jersey?

First of all, you giant idiots, Crosby IS a Canadian. You stomped his jersey and that means bad mojo for Canada and good mojo for the Pens.

Second of all, back atcha.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

You can’t eat just one.

Well, apparently my little encounter with Justin Bieber wasn’t enough good mojo to hold the Pens over for the entire series, as they lost to the Montreal Canadiens yesterday afternoon, tying the series up one game each.

It looks like I’m going to have to eat an even MORE annoying Canadian for them.

And you are not allowed to email me that Jim Carrey is not annoying until you go and read his twitter stream.

Then you’ll be begging me to swallow him whole just so he can be digested alive.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

So, the Canadiens it is.

Less than two hours until the puck drops, and I’m doing what needs to be done for the Pens’ chances against the Canadiens.

To every person on the planet who is not a 13-year-old girl, you’re welcome.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

Aboot last week.

I know. I know. It’s not that I mean to disappear for a week at a time, leaving Norm wondering where I’ve gone to and if I’m getting in trouble and how on earth it can be so darn difficult to track down a monstrous killer death lizard on the loose in Pittsburgh, it’s just that, it’s very hard to find a senator ripe for the taking.

As it happens, while I was stalking Senator Casey in DC, I learned the Pens managed to beat the Senators because Jake texted me with the score (you should see the size of my cell phone; it’s called an iPad).

I returned to Pittsburgh to find Norm waiting with guns blazing and with solidified plans to chain me down when he goes to sleep at night.

Either way, the Pens move on to round two, where I’m either eating a Bruin or a Canadien.

I’m hoping for a Canadian because I have no clue on earth what a bruin is.  It could be a car or a tree for all I know.  At least with a Canadian, I know I’m getting some bloody carcass, eh?

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

All I’m asking for is one little senator!

So, as you know, the Penguins did not win their game and the reason they did not win is this …

Norm wouldn’t let me eat a senator.

I’m not even asking for a United States Senator! A lowly state senator would do. I wonder if I can get a state senator to “take one for the team,” so to speak. I wouldn’t even kill him. Just maim him a little bit.

Also, do you guys read the Pensblog?  They’re having a little photoshop contest about what “Out for Justice,” the phrase on the back of the White-Out shirts, means to you.

Here’s what I submitted:

I think the word you’re searching for is “bazinga!”

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

Let’s go Pens!

As you can see, I am showing my Penguins pride today by wearing my white shirt for tonight’s White Out as our boys take on the Senators in game 1 of the first playoff round.

I wish I could do more to help the Pens’ mojo, but Norm has this really ridiculous rule about me not being allowed to eat Senators.

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species: , ,
Rex

A chat with Norm

Me: [sigh]

Norm: Don’t sigh. You’ll blow the fridge over again. What’s wrong?

Me: The Steelers.

Norm: Yeah. Bummer.

Me:  MORE than ‘bummer’. This is terrible. We might not even make the playoffs this year!

Norm: Stop shouting. You’ll blow the window out again. Look, it happens. Teams win championships and then fall apart.

Me: Well, we have to beat Miami or we really are done for.

Norm: Yep.

Me:  We need  better defense.

Norm: Yep.

Me:  We need Troy Polamalu.

Norm: Yep.

Me: We need mojo.

Norm:  Yep.

Me:  I should eat a dolphin.

Norm:  Yep — NO!

Me: But it worked with the Penguins!  I won them the Stanley Cup! They were almost losers and I ate an octopus and just like that, WINNERS! I was a hero, a national hero! If I eat a dolphin and the Steelers win and somehow get to the playoffs, why, they’ll throw ME a parade!

Norm:  You’re NOT EATING A DOLPHIN! There is a difference in the eyes of a human when it comes to eating a tentacled, suction-cupped ocean dweller versus a kind, loving, beautiful, life-saving ocean dweller.

Me: But –

Norm:  No.

Me: But -

Norm: NO!

Me:  Fine.

(Ten minutes later)

Me: Do you happen to know which bus goes to the Zoo?

That’s the last thing I remember.

So if the Steelers lose on Sunday, don’t blame me.

I tried.

Blame Norm.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Things you don’t know anything about.

Could you imagine if I actually tried to list all of the things that I know about that you don’t know anything about?  There aren’t enough terabytes on the planet.

For now though, you first of all don’t know anything about any dinosaur trying to sneak into the Mellon Arena for the first Penguins home game of the season.  The very Mellon Arena I was banned for life from because I did a harmless little thing like steal the Stanley Cup for a few hours.

Here’s the picture than ran in the newspaper next to the headline “Dinosaur spotted lurking in secure area of Mellon Arena. AIP denies it is Rex.”

Good ole’ AIP. Deny deny deny.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get into the building to watch the game live because those sneaky humans locked the roof, making it ridiculously hard for me to pry it open to peek in.  No matter, I watched the game on the outside screen with my adoring fans who liked to jokingly shout, “You! Dinosaur! Either shrink 20 feet or move to the back! Idiot!”

It’s cute how they jokingly call me “idiot.”  Much in the same way that it’s cute when I respond with [redacted by Norm].

The second thing you don’t know anything about is this cigar that Leo and Leonis sent me from Cuba where they’re enjoying a little beach adventure.

Did I say Cuba?  They’re not in Cuba, Dollar Bank.  They’re somewhere where it is perfectly legal to purchase cigars from.  Um, Indiana.

That’s a place right?

Also, bets on how long I can actually smoke this cigar before Norm marches out here and puts it out with the fire hose?  I’ll put $40,000 on ten seconds.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

The night I kissed Lord Stanley.

As I told you last week, I did not make it to the NFL kickoff concert at Point State Park, nor did I, the King of Steeler Nation, attend the game at Heinz Field.

With the entire city held captive by either that “dress” Fergie wore or by the mad football stylings of Troy Polamalu, Jake and I seized on a once in a lifetime opportunity to do what I have been threatening to do for three months.

Steal the Stanley Cup right out from under Sidney’s nose.

The first step was to be sure the entire student body was distracted and wouldn’t notice Jake and I slipping into the night like dinosaur ninjas.

You’ll notice Jake was SERIOUSLY angry about that bogus interference call on Troy Polamalu.  I managed to silence him right before he roared in anger.

Out into the cool night, Jake and I reviewed the plan which was 1. sneak out 2. steal the prize 3. laugh like mad maniacal dinosaurs 4. snack 5. nap.

That plan is foolproof.

Jake and I sneaked ninja-like through dark alleys and then swam the river up to Sewickley.  Here we are after exiting the river.

You’d never guess you were looking at dinosaurs would you?  Sally is a genius seamstress by the way.  Also, you should see the size of her sewing machine.

Look how happy Jake is!  Am I not the best mentor in the whole world?

After once again reviewing the plan and also informing Jake that under no circumstances was he to eat any of the Lemieux family pets except fish, we disabled the alarm system using a trick I learned on MacGyver last week (God bless bubble gum and toothpicks!) and slipped into Sidney’s bedroom to find this:

Aw. Sleeping with the Cup. How cute.

I turned to Jake and I said, “Ok. very gently, pick it up.”

And Jake walked over and gently picked Sid up like a little baby, to which I said, “WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?!”

And Jake looked very confused and said, “I thought we were picking up dinner!”

Kids these days. I swear. Can’t even steal right.

After I set him straight, Jake gingerly returned a still-sleeping Sid to his bed then I grabbed the Cup, gave it a quick smooch and we were off.

Unfortunately for us, we didn’t know Billy Guerin was also staying the night at Mario’s place.  He saw us sneaking off the property and promptly hopped in his car to chase us down while angrily punching Norm’s number into his cellphone to let him know what I had done.  I can’t for the life of me figure out how he knew it was us. I mean, hello? Disguises!

I guess Jake just doesn’t make a very good ninja.

This is the last thing I remember as I slipped into a tranq-induced unconsciousness:

Pretty sure he’s telling me where I can go and it’s not “to have a nap.”

The Cup is gone. But I had it briefly. I kissed it. I hugged it. I drank out of it. I wore it as a hat.

I’m in a WORLD of trouble.

I haven’t seen Norm this mad since I flicked his car into the river because I was teaching Jake about objects that sink versus objects that float.

Here’s a lesson for you today. Cars? Not very floaty!

Rawr!