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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

A wallaroo?

Guess what this is supposed to be.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Did you say things like, “A teethy frog” or “a flying squirrel” or “even though I don’t know what one looks like, a bandicoot?”

You would be wrong because THAT is supposed to be a monstrous killer death lizard … a T-Rex.

I was so offended when I found that in my stocking on Christmas morning that I, well, if you haven’t seen Norm since Christmas, don’t worry.  He’s fine.

Just having a very long dart-induced nap, which I know nothing about.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

Okay/Not Okay

Let’s talk about dinosaur jewelry.

Reader Heidi (she’s cute) brought VERAMEAT jewelry to Norm’s attention.

First, unfortunately, like you I initially thought meat was involved in this jewelry. It is not. Not a speck of meat to be found. You shouldn’t be allowed to have anything with the word meat in it if there isn’t actual meat involved. It’s very misleading.

OKAY!

However, there is this dinosaur necklace that is officially okay in my book:

Now that we’ve looked at the okay, let’s have a look-see at the really really never ever okay dinosaur jewelry.

NOT OKAY!

First thing wrong with this necklace is that the T-Rex is collared.  We’ve already talked about how that can never happen.

Second thing wrong is the arms look like nubs.  It’s insulting to my ferocious, crushing biceps.

Third and biggest thing wrong with this is that the necklace incorporates dinosaur poop.

That’s right. You can walk around with actual dinosaur feces strapped to your neck.

Dinosaurs are fearsome, brilliant scavengers.  Humans walk around with decorative poop around their necks and WE’RE the ones that almost went extinct?

Further proof of God’s horrible sense of humor.

Rawr.


Rex

Rexy = Not Okay!

You’ll remember that I talked to you about the Will Farrell movie coming out called Land of the Lost and we also discussed how magnificent the monstrous killer death lizard appears to be in the trailer.

There’s another current movie with a dinosaur and that movie is called a Night at the Museum: Battle at the Smithsonian.

I saw this post from Pittsburgh’s very own Annoyed Angel and I learned some things.

1.  The dinosaur in the movie is named … wait for it … Rexy.

That’s one letter away from Rex, but also one letter away from Roxy, three letters away from icky and approximately 15 letters away from ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

2. If you go to McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal with your human kids, they will get their very own Rexy to play with.

You’ll notice that according to McDonald’s, a T-Rex’s feet are equal to the length of his body.

Clearly they hired “Dr.” Matt Lamanna as their scientific adviser when they designed Rexy.

3. Rexy comes with a trading card that informs us that Rexy is like a puppy dog that likes to wag his tail and play fetch.

The only thing a REAL monstrous killer death lizard likes to fetch is dead meat and the last time I wagged my tail I knocked down 40 vendor carts at the Three Rivers Arts Festival. I couldn’t help it. My tail gets waggy when I smell gyros.

4.  The pièce de résistance (translated to English that’s “piece of resistance”)  though is the video of Rexy walking.

You must watch it so that you too can experience the stumbling, bumbling, drunken gait.

In other words, exactly how I walk those first moments after Norm tranqs me.

As for Annoyed Angel, she asks what I would like her to do with Rexy.

I did Rock, Bamm-Bamm, Pebbles, spear, axe! with Norm to decide, and I won.

I hope you have an axe.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities.

1.  What in the name of the lightning bolts of Zeus has gotten into Evgeni Malkin?

He is a man on a mission and that mission is to win the Stanley Cup and hopefully to give us more interviews like the one that he gave yesterday in which he basically said, “Mom. Love. Cook. Game. Goal. Dad. Shoot.”

Those were all the words I understood.  I tried to translate more but I don’t speak Hockey God.

And then there was Norm on twitter, as the game ended, once again showing off his death grip on the English language.

That’s poetry, Norm. Is that how you say “hat trick” in Hawaiian?

2.  How long do you think before Geno’s parents just start making out in the stands when he scores a goal?

3. I think I’ll watch the next home game at the big outdoor screen with the rest of the fans. Norm, I’m going to need you to get there early and block off a 15-foot by 15-foot space for me. Use velvet rope, please.  If anyone gives you a hard time, tag their shoulder with a Sharpie and I’ll maim them when I get there.

4.  Rexrolled you!

5.  Do not freak out, because I freaked out a little bit and broke some sidewalks (Sorry, Mayor Luke!  Send the bill to AIP to the attention of Paul Pezich).  Would you look at this computer mouse that transforms into a Monstrous Killer Death Lizard?

This is a very very okay product!

If he knows what’s good for him, Norm is getting me one of these for Christmas.  I’ll probably give him my usual gift … stress.

6.  A NOT Okay product?

A dinosaur pinata? NOT okay!

Hey, how about I shove some hard candies down your throat and then beat you with a pointy stick until you puke them back up?

7. Math time!  My new motto for this portion of the blog is “Math Time with Rex.  Making you mathier because you’re chromosomally inferior.”

I still love you, so help me help you.

2 regular weekend days +

1 holiday day -

1 dinosaur wrangler who is busy partying on Monday -

1 imminent threat of tranquing +

1 dinosaur with the knowledge of Matt Lamanna’s whereabouts =

No posting on Monday.

Rawr.


Rex

Twitter scrounging.

When I’m bored, which tends to happen when the foot traffic slows down on the Boulevard (Rex + no humans to scare = bored monstrous killer death lizard), I like to search around the twitterverse and see what I can find.

Today was an exceptionally good hunting day with me placing just as many people on my LOVE list as I did on my KILL AND EAT list.

First are the LOVE:

Took the words right out of my pointy teeth-filled mouth.

I HEART YOU, TOO, CALIPANTHERGRL! (Don’t tell Sally!)

Isn’t that just cute as crap!?

Wow. Quoted on twitter! I feel so famous.

Hey, that IS the sound I make when I run!

It could be, lcmcbeth. Especially if you live in Pittsburgh anywhere near “Dr.” Matt Lamanna.  He’s so fun to chase and the more speed I get going the more “booommmm shaka-laka” it gets.

Now these are the KILL AND EAT twitterers:

So original. Bravo.

He was a “LOVE” with his first tweet on the bottom there, but by the time he tweeted his last tweet at the top? KILL AND EAT!

Oh, again! Bravo! Encore!

Die.

This one is neither LOVE nor KILL AND EAT.  It’s just funny!

And finally, there’s my wrangler Norm who tweeted this immediately after Letang’s goal last night in overtime:

Wow, Norm. Your English is solid as a rock, my friend.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities.

1.  As you are aware, the Penguins are deep in the throes of the second round of the playoffs and I am STILL not wearing any Penguins gear. Not a flag, a jersey, a stick, a puck, a sliver of ice, a helmet, the lifeless body of Marian Hossa. Nothing.

Norm, if I don’t have something Penguin-y by tomorrow, do not blame nor tranq me when I’m forced to either steal a real live tuxedo-wearing slippery penguin from the zoo or to just grab a Penguin from his bed (probably Petr Sykora – he’s not too busy) and then stand here and wave his angry, thrashing body like a flag to passersby.

Sure some of them might be asking, “Is that guy screaming in Czech begging us for help?” but most of them would be saying, “Good ole’ Monstrous Killer Death Lizard Rex. Now THERE’S a true fan.”

Me. Penguins. Make it happen.

2. Hey, look. I’m famous and stuff now. Stop by and see me and maybe I’ll give you an autograph if you bring me meat.

3.  Today’s edition of Okay/Not Okay involves dinosaur cartoons.

Here’s one that is okay:

Cute kid.

And here we have NOT OKAY:

Wow.  That is so original. Oooh, look at the dinosaur, look at his tiny little arms, look at his giant gnashing teeth coming at me, look at the enveloping darkness.

Rawr.


Rex

Okay/Not Okay: Rex does math.

Let’s take a look at more dinosaur t-shirts that are approved by Monstrous Killer Death Lizard Rex!

OKAY:

Look how fierce that is! If I ever see you wearing this shirt, I’ll know that there’s a human that knows the proper respect for a monstrous killer death lizard. And I probably won’t eat you because of it. This shirt is like body armor for you humans.

Here’s another okay shirt:

I could do without there being a stegosaurus on the shirt (stegosauruses are dweebs, in case you’re wondering), but otherwise, it’s a perfectly okay shirt.  Thanks to Paul in AIP’s accounting office for finding this one.

NOT OKAY:

No, no, no.

There’s a certain math to these things.  Human + dog + leash = happy dog.  Human + cat + leash = funny.  Dogs > cats.  Cat + dinosaur = ptewie! = yucky taste.  Humans < dinosaurs. Human + dinosaur + leash = dead human.

That’s MY math, at least.

You will never ever ever see a human leading a dinosaur by a leash. Ever. Unless the human has promised the dinosaur a six pack of allosauruses for its cooperation, then maybe you’ll see a dinosaur on a leash.  Allosauruses are hard to come by these days.

And here’s one that is REALLY not okay:

Here’s some more math for you:  Designer + design with a t-rex holding toilet paper and trying to figure out how to reach his bum using his tiny little arms = designer with roll of toilet paper shoved in mouth by offended monstrous killer death lizard.

Rawr!


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

Okay/Not Okay

Today’s edition of Okay/Not Okay covers baking products.

Okay:

These are adorable little cookie cutters you can use for your child’s dinosaur-themed birthday party (as if there was any other kind).

NOT OKAY!

Norm sent me this link wondering if “Dr.” Matt Lamanna had anything to do with this product and I must say, I’m pretty sure Norm was laughing hysterically as he sent the email.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my life and that includes the time that the cavemen managed to saddle me and ride me like a horse.

Get your tranq gun powered up, Norm, because there’s about to be some destroying happening up in here.

RAWRRRRRR!


Rex

Various Curiosities.

It’s Monday and cold here in Pittsburgh. So cold that we actually got some snow last night. And it’s Spring. And practically April.

Oh, you humans and your big global warming joke. Ha-ha. Funny.

1.  Pitt, it would appear, is NOT it.

Grrrawr.

2. Norm emailed me this link saying, “Check this guy out.”  So I checked out the site written by some male human named Cotter and found this:

I’d really like to be the guy who writes this blog. If anyone knows how to make that happen, please let me know [Creation Rex]

Mistah Cotter (har), I understand why you would want to be a dinosaur, but why in the world would AIP ask a mere human being to write their dinosaur’s blog?  You write your human blog and I’ll write my dinosaur blog and no one gets eaten or stomped, deal?

3.  Reader CopySix linked me to this story out of England:

This is the moment a group of students tried to abduct a giant model dinosaur from a museum as a drunken prank.

The young men had been out celebrating the end of their course when they walked past the life-size monster.

Deciding to relocate it in the middle of a roundabout as a joke, they set about lifting the 20ft long and 10ft tall plastic triceratops.

It took ten of them carry the giant model over an iron gate outside the Dinosaur Museum in Dorchester, Dorset.

But just as they carried it off above their heads into the night, they were stopped in their tracks by a policeman.

My God.  I have friends that are Triceratops and when they are mad, they aim low. How drunk does one need to be to not care about what a Triceratops’ horn can do to your posterior? Trust me. I’ve seen it. It is exactly as gruesome as you’re imagining a triceratops horn to the posterior to be.

Incidentally, I once tried to date a Triceratops (don’t tell Sally), but let me tell you. Horns. They get in the way.

Also:

The museum’s website says the models ‘beg to be touched by little hands – and that is encouraged.

I realize you have been alive less than my 65 million years, so I don’t mind educating you about this. Life Lesson by Rex: Encouraging kids to manhandle a dinosaur is poor parenting.

My final note. If you guys ever try to steal me, I will be picking Burgher meat from my teeth for weeks.

3.  Okay/Not Okay

Our category today is animated dinosaur toys.

This one is okay:

Not okay:

I don’t know what the heck kind of dinosaur that “Rex” is supposed to be, but I know that T-Rexes don’t have green leaves growing out of their spines. God. I bet “Dr.” Matt Lamanna designed this thing.

4.  Hee. What? Like you wouldn’t kill Barney if given the chance.

Rawr.


Rex

Okay/Not Okay

People I see on the street ask me questions every day.  “Rex, what’s it like to be a dinosaur?” or “Rex, do you have a girlfriend?” or “Rex, why are your arms so little?” (Which is the same as if they asked, “Rex, would you please kill me?”) or “Rex, why are you so awesome?”

Another question I get asked is, “Rex, how do you feel about products with dinosaurs on them?”

The short answer is, “Depends.”

1.  For instance, a T-Rex puppet for the kiddies.

This one is okay.

This one, NOT okay.

Guess why?  Go ahead.  Take a wild guess.  I’ll give you a hint:  location location location.

2.  T-shirts!

These are okay.

NOT okay:

3. Books!

Okay:

Not okay:

4.  Lunchboxes.

Okay.

Not Okay.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER OKAY!:

I’d tell you how I feel about Barney, but this is supposed to be a PG rated website, and I bet my handler will have a problem if I called Barney a [redacted by Norm the Dino Wrangler].

Rawr.