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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Madsass

There is a facebook application called … “What [redacted by Norm] career will you go into?”

I just KNOW Norm is going to clean that up, so let me help you … the word Norm deleted rhymes with fadbass or madsass or cadglass or hadgrass or in the great lost language of Pig Latin, which I once received an Octorate-Day in … adass-bay.

Get it? If you STILL don’t know what word was redacted, email me so that I can personally respond with an email to you in which I will detail all of the ways you are an idiot.

Moving on.

One of the adass-bay jobs you can end up with is this one:

Really?  First, the Dinosaur Throat-Puncher profession lasted all of one caveman who was soundly ripped limb from limb the second his knuckles made contact with the dinosaur’s throat.

And secondly, Stephen, PLEASE, come here and try to throat punch me.  Really. Try. Please?

I haven’t had a decent meal in like three hours.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species:
Rex

Vacaciones!! Muy divertida! Muchos nom noms!

The post you’ve been waiting for is finally here.

Shut your office door, put you phone on mute, tell your yappy girlfriend to shhh (not you, Sally.  I love it when you go on and on and on and on about God knows what. Love that.) and have a look at my best vacation pictures.

First up, I headed to my old stomping grounds, the play yard where my dino friends and I used to play with dominoes. Some of those dominoes are still standing today, so of course I wanted to get my picture taken there.

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Let me tell you, they were NOT happy when I knocked a few of the dominoes over last week. Not happy at all.  Running after me all, “Bullocks! Chivvy along now, you bloody beast!”

Fighting off the angry throngs of silly humans, I worked up quite an appetite, so logically, I hit Ireland for some snacks.

sheepshadow

(source)

If you think ribs are messy, you’d be flabbergasted at how messy a dino gets after a herd of sheep, so off I went to Iceland to take a bath in the Blue Lagoon:

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Or, as it could be called now, The Reddish Blue Lagoon.

It’s a delightful color, really.

I spent the next few days visiting my old girlfriend.

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Boy did she pick a bad plastic surgeon for her nose job. Yikes.

Sally was THRILLED with this picture. “What’d she do, get hit in the face by an asteroid?!”

I bid Sphinxie ado and headed over to China to have a look see at their supposedly giant wall.

(source)

What do you know, it’s a GIANT wall.

Couldn’t kick it down no matter how hard I tried.

Anyway, one frantic “I’M IN JAIL … IN CHINA!!” call to Norm later, I was free but hungry from the begging and crying, so that of course meant … snack:

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Good ole’ China.

If you think sheep are bad, you ought to have seen me after I [redacted by Norm because of blood and gore].

By this time, it was almost time to head by home to AIP and I didn’t want to come home smelling like I just [exact same thing redacted again].

Shower time!

(source)

Dear Canadians. Don’t have giant showers if you don’t want giant animals showering entrails off in them. Gosh.

For all the freaking out you did, it’s not like I came to your country and feasted on your … what does Canada even have, eh? Other than delicious exotic French-Canadians.

Fresh and clean and worn out from my travels, I headed home to Norm who greeted me with open arms and the tranq gun powered down to 50%.

Perfect for a long nap.

Also, Norm, when the Chinese embassy calls about some cows, or the Spanish embassy about some bulls, or the French embassy about some sissy Frenchmen … I don’t know anything about that.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species: ,
Rex

Doing … and not doing.

Things I am doing this weekend:

1. Seeing as today is New Student Orientation at AIP, I’ll be spending the start of this weekend teaching a whole batch of new students all of the ways they should avoid ticking off AIP’s monstrous killer death lizard. First lesson … DON’T STEAL MY STUFF!

2.  Going through my 672 vacation photos to pick the cream of the crop to show you. Prepare to be blown the heck away.  When Rex vacations, HE VACATIONS!

3.  Taking Jake to Sandcastle Water Park. This is going to be very interesting.  I’m imagining lots of running and terrified screaming. Can’t wait.

4.  Teaching Norm some math. He’s not very mathy. I think I’ll start with the most basic of equations.

Rex + <30 lbs of carcass per week = Norm + bruises + bleeding ouchies

This I am NOT doing this weekend. No sir. Not doing ‘em.

1. Dismantling and correctly rearranging the T-Rex versus T-Rex display at the Carnegie because “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is a dinosaur dummie.  Not doing that.

2.  Stealing the Stanley Cup. Definitely not doing that. No sir.

3.  Hunting down whoever submitted this as a design for a Woot! shirt and sic-ing angry chickens on her.

4.  Seeking a tech expert to help me disengage the web-cameras at the T-Rex versus T-Rex display. Don’t need that. Don’t email me at rex@normanhuelsman.com/creationrex if you know anyone that could do that for me. I won’t respond. No sir.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. Mwah-hahaha!  Mwah-haha!  Mwah-ha!

Hah-ha!

Heh.

[cough]

I’m not up to anything at all, why do you ask?

Wink.

2.  I’m still going through my vacation photos to pick the best ones to share with you.  I especially like the ones of me going over the Niagara Falls.

Just you wait.

3.  Pittsburgh’s PrideFest was held last month and I found this picture in my inbox.

First: Fuscia is another color I look awesome in. Second: What about DINOSAUR rights?

I’d like the right to marry Sally, vote in the mayoral election, and skinny dip in the Mon without the humans getting all up in my face about the waves washing their cars off the wharf.

4. AIP’s website got a new visual look, but the most important thing you should note: I’m on the front page now!

5.  Two things on twitter:

That links takes you to this post.  Note the text on top of the box: “Your very own ‘real’ baby dino.”  Good thing they put the word real in quote marks because that deformed ball of green fluff would absolutely be mistaken for a real baby dinosaur.  If you’ve never seen a giant monstrous killer death lizard roll its eyes, you’re missing quite a show here.

6. Also this:

Aw. Norm missed me. And don’t be fooled by the “kind of” nonsense because I heard from Sally that when she dropped by Norm’s one day while I was on vacation, she found him huddled on the floor in the fetal position, cradling his tranq gun in his arms while moaning, “I miss my best friend!”

Which is great because then maybe he won’t feel the need to tranq me once I do that sneaky mwah-haha thing I’m not really going to do.

Totally going to behave myself and not steal the Stanley Cup. Wink.

Rawr.


Rex

It all makes sense.

You know, I was surprised when Norm encouraged me to take a vacation and I was suspicious when he was overly aggressive in encouraging me to be sure to take that vacation during the first week of July.

I am back from my trek around the world to visit my friends (pics soon) and have returned to discover that I missed Anthrocon 2009 in Pittsburgh.

What’s Anthrocon?  This:

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You might see people in fursuits.

You know what I see?  SNACKS!  Walking, talking, and for the most part, slow-moving snacks!

And look!

A snack pack!  I MISSED A SNACK PACK!

Not. Happy.

Rawr!


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. No posting yesterday because I was busy with Jake, finalizing plans for the super secret caper we’re going to pull off that has nothing to do with a certain 35 lb. cup-like trophy currently residing somewhere in Sewickley. Nothing at all.

Heh.

2.  On twitter, I saw this from an adoring fan:

Well, you need only take a look at the movie poster and you’ll quickly see that this will be the greatest movie of this human generation and that it will win every single Oscar next year, even the foreign language film. It’s going to be that epic.

Woolly mammoth. Mmmm.  Plus, they come already equipped with after-meal toothpicks.

3. Are you jealous that Norm gets to hang out with a giant awesome dinosaur all the time? Do you wish you could get your own giant awesome dinosaur to wrangle and yell at and tranq?

Now, for the low low price of $48,000, you kind of can!

4.  Now, brace yourselves for some Math!

1 fearsome handsome dinosaur +

6 months +

20 hours of classes per week -

3 hours of necessary sleep per night +

1 time suctioning mentee

+ 35 tranqings

= VACATION!

I’m spending next week visiting my friends all around the world.

First stop, Scotland to visit my best friend Lester.  Here we are swimming in the lake the last time I was able to get out for a visit:

(source)

Ah, I can already hear the relaxing sounds of nature and the horrified screams of the people.

Someone be sure to check in on Norm for me from time to time, okay? I’m sure he’s going to miss having me around for target practice.

See you in a week!

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species: , , , ,
Rex

Being all mentor-y and awesome.

Jake had never been to a baseball game before, so of course I insisted he and I attend a Pirates game as part of our Big Dinosaurs of America mentor/mentee time.

I have been a baseball fan since before your grandparents were born, as evidenced by this picture I fished out of my stuff (Hey, Norm, I messed up my stuff.  Clean it please?)

(source)

I know.  It is a great hat.

So, back to present day, I took Jake to the ballgame today to experience the ballpark, the atmosphere, the hot dogs, and of course, the pierogi race.

Here’s Jake devouring a Primanti’s sandwich, to which he said when he saw the size of it, “You’re joking right? Are there 600 more where this came from? I’m going to need something a little more elephant-ish in size.”

(source)

(Jake’s creator)

But then the pierogi race started, and well, as you can see, Jake saw the humongous pierogies running away from him and his hunter’s instinct kicked in, because not only is chasing prey a huge adrenaline rush, but how often does a dinosaur get to chase a fleeing giant pierogi of all things?  Almost never.

So, here’s Jake on the hunt, and there’s me watching from the stands.

(source)

Look how scared that pierogi is.  You should have heard it beg for its life as Jake neared.

I have never been so proud.

The manatee has become the mento.

Rawr.
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era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species: , ,
Rex

A vacation story. Pictures by Norm. Words by Rex.

Please accept my apologies that I did not post anything on Friday.  As you recall, that was graduation day at AIP, so you can imagine the hustle and bustle of the day for a graduate like me.

I’m not the only one that was AWOL on Friday.  As you also recall, my wrangler Norm was on vacation last week which meant I got to post whatever I wanted to without it having to go through The Wrangler Filter of Suctioning the Fun out of Everything.

Well, as it happens, Norm is too busy today to turn off my publishing abilities.  AND he emailed me some pictures from his trip. AND I don’t have to get his approval before I post them. And I love this.

Here’s Norm’s vacation photos.  With captions by Rex. Because all Norm did was clog my email with a bunch of enormous pictures and tell me he’d catch up with me later.  I guess it is up to me to fill in the blanks.

Only a dinosaur wrangler and maybe “Dr.” Matt Lamanna would use their vacation time to see MORE dinosaurs, but that’s exactly what Norm did with his vacation.

That’s his summer wrangler hat, in case you’re wondering.

What’s happening in that picture is Norm is thinking, “I miss Rex so much.  I wonder what that fearsome and far superior being is doing right now.”

NOT stealing the Stanley Cup, that’s for sure, Norm. No, sir, I would never do such a thing.

Moving on:

Ever see those pictures of people who position themselves just so and then pretend like they’re holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa?  Here’s Norm’s dinosaur version where he holds up the neck of what looks to be a dinosaur with a serious disease that turned her skin greenish blue.  Look, she’s totally about to puke on that car.  I hope that’s Norm’s car.

Ha. Ha. Norm. So funny. Look at you holding up the giant dinosaur neck with your head.

In that picture, Norm is thinking, “Rex is really the best dinosaur ever and I can only hope to one day be as magnanimous, awesome, perfect, popular and brilliant as he. When I get back home to Pittsburgh I am totally taking him to the farm for a snack.”

And finally, we have this picture:

Apparently, as he often does, Norm has done something to tick off this puking puke-green dinosaur, because that’s a “you’re going to die now” look if I’ve ever seen one.

Instead of running for his life like he should, Norm is thinking, “Rex is just the best. It is far time I realized that I will never be as adored or magnificent as he. In fact, I miss him so much, I will never tranq him again. No matter what he does. Not even when he steals the Stanley Cup.”

Er. I mean IF.  “IF he steals the Stanley Cup.”

Wink.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Winner winner pony dinner!

Norm is on vacation this week and that means several things:

1. Free publishing rights for me, which means no stupid redacting when I want to call Marian Hossa a [redacted by Rex]. (I promised Norm I would behave. So I’m behaving and redacting myself. This is maturity, Norm!)

2.  No threat of being tranqed when I pick up anyone that dares climb up on me during today’s parade and I fling them into the Mon like a screaming rubber band. “Look at him fly!”

PENGUINS! Can we please recap?

Four games in which I had an octopus in my jaws = 4 wins

Three games in which I had NO octopus in my jaws = 3 losses

Clearly, I should be allowed a sip or two directly from the Stanley Cup. Or at the very least be allowed to walk in the parade to bask in the adoration of the entire city.

Hmph. Wonder what it will take for me to get my hands on the Cup? Just for a day or two.

I watched Game 7 with Norm and he only had to tranq me twice and I only had to tranq him once … right after the Red Wings scored and he went ballistic. But don’t worry, he came to in enough time to give me a good talking to right before Marc Andre Fleury made the save of his life as the last second ticked off the clock.

That earthquake you may have felt if you were anywhere near downtown was me picking up Norm like a baby doll and jumping up and down and up and down while roaring at the top of my roar.

The parade is going to be insane today.  If you’re downtown, stop by and say hi to your good friend Rex, without whom the parade would never have even been possible.

Also, if the Stanley Cup should mysteriously disappear at any point during the parade route and reappear in my hands, well, as usual, as always, I don’t know anything about that.

Rawr.


Rex

Various curiosities.

1. You must believe in the power of the Mojo Octopus by now.

I aged more over those 60 tense minutes of hockey than I have aged in my previous 65 million years on Earth.

I know for a fact my heart literally stopped beating as I watched Rob Scuderi play goalie for a scrambling Marc-Andre Fleury.

Luckily Norm was standing by to kick me in the chest as hard as he could to get the old ticker beating again.  And then I smacked him into the wall for having the audacity to kick me.

Game 7. We have the mojo. DON’T BE STUPID AND TRY TO STEAL THE MOJO!

2.  I’m getting even more famous now.

  • Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies (delicious BITE-SIZED PONIES!) called me a “beast”, which, yes, the last time I looked in the mirror and smiled to reveal blood-stained teeth, I am very much a beast.  Then they also revealed that I’m not a bandwagon fan.  Of course I’m not a bandwagon jumper. I weigh 5 tons. I would DESTROY the bandwagon!
  • Yahoo! Sports’ Puck Daddy has posted twice about me and my penchant for munching on whimpering octopi for the sake of my entire city. I think he’s, like, in awe of me.
  • And last night, NBC showed me standing guard outside of AIP and the commentator asked, “Who is that little guy?”  Hey, NBC, come here and say that to my face you Red Wings-loving [redacted by Norm].

3.  Some guy named Dave Crawley came by to visit me today and to take pictures.

He must be a huge fan. I think I might need some velvet rope, Norm, for these groupies I’m acquiring.

Unless they’re girl groupies.  Especially cute girl groupies. But don’t tell Sally. She’s getting a bit jealous from all the attention I’m getting lately.

It’s kind of hot.

[Wrangler Note]

Rex, All this attention must be going to your head because you forgot to mention you’ll be on KDKA tonight around 6:45. Now all your “adoring” fans can tune in from home, no velvet rope needed.

4.    All of this excitement and fame and hunting down evil-doers has left me with barely no time to ride my motorcycle.

What?

You don’t believe me? The proof is in the picture:

You can go ahead and make fun of my helmet, but then you should ask yourself how badly do you want to be handed your own arm?

Rawr.

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