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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

CAR-NEEE-VAHL!

The Student Carnival was held recently here at AIP and I have to say this year may have been the best one yet.

Norm was kind enough to send me the pictures he took while I was busy enjoying the festivities with my worshipers the students.

Here I am preparing for the Twinkie-eating contest.

Do I really need to tell you that I won? Do I really need to tell you that I ate 544 Twinkies in 4 seconds and that I could have eaten about half a ton more if they hadn’t run out of Twinkies?  That’s just poor event planning, is what that is.   After dealing with the angry students and their false claims of “Rex, DINOSAURS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE TWINKIE-EATING CONTEST!” I headed over to this table because first, there was a babe running the sno-cone machine and second, look at that guy in the red CLEARLY gesturing to me to eat all the cotton candy in the machine.

That’s a “Have at it, Rex!” face if I ever saw one. So I did.  After I dealt with the angry students and their ridiculous whining of “REX, YOU ATE ALL THE COTTON CANDY, YOU GIANT GLUTTONOUS JERK!” I then headed over to the bull-riding arena.

As you can see, that bull looks delicious.

After dealing with the angry students and their pouting and crying of, “REX, THAT WAS A MECHANICAL BULL!  YOU ARE GOING TO BE POOPING PARTS FOR WEEKS!” I realized I may have gone a BIT too far, so I apologized to the students, and graciously offered to give them all dino-back rides around the place for only a dollar each.

It wasn’t until about the 35th student took their turn “riding” me around that I realized that 544 Twinkies, 200 servings of cotton candy, and a rusting mechanical bull are murder even on a giant monstrous killer death lizard’s stomach.

So I headed home a bit early to mess with Norm’s Apple stuff and to steal his socks.  All in all, a great day was had.

Also, pooping rusting mechanical parts? Not that bad.

Rawr.


Rex

Twitter time!

As you know, I often lurk around twitter just to be keep tabs on what Norm says about me, to be sure I don’t need to terrorize any people that are making jokes about my ferocious and enormous arms, and to see what the babes are saying about me.

Usually they’re saying, “OMG. I LOVE REX! HE TOTALLY WINKED AT ME TODAY!”

Don’t tell Sally.

Today, I saw this:

That is the most hilarious joke I have heard all week, no, all year, no, IN THE HISTORY OF TIME!  What an unexpected punchline!

Here’s a joke I just wrote: What lives now, has dog poo for brains, and goes “OW-OW-OW-OW!”?  Whoever wrote that joke, getting the stretchy treatment from me.

Also, here’s what Norm had to tweet about:

I don’t know ANYTHING about that, Norm.

Heh.

Finally, I just recently discovered that my hero Dr. Sheldon Cooper is on twitter!

I don’t need to click on the link to know that it will probably take you right here to my blog.

It’s nice to be appreciated for the genius that I am.

Rawr.


Rex

Noms. And I don’t mean kittehs.

Yesterday evening I was mentoring Jake in table manners (what? I’m a classy gentledino!) when this happened:

Jake: This is stupid.

Rex: What?

Jake: You teaching me table manners when we have no table and no actual food. What kind of mentor are you?

Rex: Um, the best mentor in the world.

Jake: [sigh] Fine. Tell me again about how to properly eat carcass without this rude “snarfing” you speak of.

Rex: As the best mentor in the world, I’ll do better than tell you.  I will show you.  Follow me.

Jake: Where are we going?!  Are we going to steal the Stanley Cup finally?!  I brought my camera and everything!

Rex: No, and shut up about that.  I told you I [wink] have no intention [wink] of stealing [wink wink] the Stanley Cup! We’re going upstairs to the culinary department here at AIP.

Jake: Wait. There’s a culinary department here?!  I thought this was an art school.

Rex: As the greatest mentor in the world, allow me to inform you that cooking is an art form. Let’s go.

That’s how it all started.

Here’s a picture Jake took of me sneaking into the culinary department.

What I don’t have pictures of are Jake and I snarfing down every morsel of food in the culinary department, of the faces of the staff when they saw we had snarfed every morsel of food in the culinary department, of the face of Norm when he was told by the staff that we snarfed every morsel of food in the culinary department, or of Norm giving me a finger-wagging “You are in Big Trouble, mister!” lecture before tranqing my classy dino butt.

And I certainly don’t have a picture of the blueprints of Mario Lemieux’s house showing ways to access the room in which Sidney keeps the Stanley Cup. I don’t have that AT ALL.

[wink]

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

The best thing I will show you this week. Unless I do more art.

This right here is my 101st post. Here are some other things that I have 101 of …

Just kidding!

I don’t have 101 of anything (except Norm’s socks because his new Puma socks could not be ignored), but I do have one thing I would like to share with you today.

There is a web comic strip called Dinosaur Comics by Ryan North and someone went an did a mashup of random twitter tweets with a random second panel from the strip and I have to tell you, it’s brilliant.  Nine times out of ten, the dinosaur has a comeback for the tweet that has just so much zzzzzing! to it.

Here are some of my faves that came up when I refreshed the page:

Try it and send me the most awesome ones that come up for you so I can use them to wallpaper Norm’s apartment. I really think it would add a nice touch and would give him something nice to read while he hunts for socks.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

Art. By Rex. Breathtaking.

Grab your medicinal inhalers or brown paper bags and have a seat because Rex is about to take your breath away.

Norm gave me some new art supplies! I assume it is because he recognized my talent and not so much because I threatened to [redacted by Norm] him.

And that’s the story of how I got my hands on something other than a Sharpie.

First up is a painting I did of me chasing some cavemen back in prehistoric times.

Notice that I’ve already killed one.  Note the blood on my lips. Note how stupid cavemen look when they run. That little splotch of a caveman in the middle is actually Blor’s kid Blor. I bet for all the times I’ve talked about him, you were dying to know what he looked like. Now you know. I’ll sell this to you for $15,000 or to a museum for $150,000 or to a babe in exchange for a walk along the North Shore while you hold my hand and DON’T TELL SALLY!

Next up, my painting of a Steelers game:

Note the attention I paid to getting just the right shape to the football. It wasn’t easy to do that so perfectly, trust me. Also, you can clearly distinguish between who is a Steeler and who is a Patriot can you not? I will sell this to you … no, never mind. I am going to save this for when we win the Super Bowl and I will have Ben Roethlisberger autograph it and THEN I will sell it for 75 million dollars. This is a good plan.

Finally, I took the time to paint my love Sally for you:

Listen, I realize she is stunning, but if you don’t stop drooling over her I will have no recourse other than to hunt you down and de-limb you. Back off. She’s mine. I will sell this … uh, wait … hang on. I got an email from Sally. Whoa. She’s not happy about this painting. She wants to know why she has a giant mustache. You know what? I don’t think Sally understands fine art.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species: , ,
Rex

Uninvited.

I forgot to mention that Norm took a long weekend last week in order to go to a bachelor party for his friend.

I wasn’t invited.

But since when has that stopped me?  Never. It didn’t stop me this time and it won’t stop me when I show up at the G-20 meeting just to spite the mayor and his ridiculous list of don’ts (Don’t #565: “Don’t put the moves on the President of France’s wife.” Come on, have you SEEN his wife?! Don’t tell Sally!).

Here’s a picture I managed to sneak into before Norm realized I had followed him to the super secret lame-o location.

Not Vegas. Not Atlantic City. Not even New York City.

THE FOREST?! What is this? A LARP bachelor party?

Are they going to act out Lord of the Rings? Are they going to don elvish costumes and say things like “Pip Pip, Merry!”?

I don’t know. I got the snot tranqed out of me before I could figure it out. But I do know this, I would make one butt-kicking Dark Lord Sauron.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

The day you’ve been waiting for.

Remember when I wrote that I asked Norm for some art supplies because I had a hunch that after 65 million years of living, I’m probably a fantastic artist?

To Norm “art supplies” apparently meant a tablet of paper and a Sharpie.

It doesn’t matter. He could have given me a piece of cardboard and a broken white crayon and I still would have created a masterpiece called Snow. Talent like this isn’t limited by mere art tools.

My point here is that 1. Norm is cheap and 2. I AM a fantastic artist!

First up, this is my portrait of Norm, my wrangler, my handler, my sometimes friend, and my carcass bringer:

Note the attention to detail. Norm has clearly just unloaded his tranq gun into me and is laughing with evil glee as I fall slowly to the ground. Note his true-to-life nose. Note his dorky hat. I call this one “Norm”. You can buy the original from me for $6,500 or a dead sheep. Whatever you’ve got.

Here’s one I drew of the Mayor reading me the list of things I am not allowed to do during G-20:

You’ll note from my expression that I zoned out somewhere between number 1 and the end of number 1. Also, note the dorky hat. I’m not selling this one because I think “Selling dorky pictures of me” was number 622 on the list. I call this one “Blah Blah Blah”.

Here I am swimming in the river.

Note I’m not wearing any clothes. Note my incredible biceps. I’m selling this one for $7,000, unless you are a babe, then you can have it for free as long as you DON’T TELL SALLY!

Speaking of babes, here is my drawing of some adoring fans seeking pictures and autographs:

Note the babe and the look of adoration in her eyes. Note that I am considering disposing of her boyfriend with the dorky hair.  Note my incredible biceps.

Now that I’ve finally shared my talent with the world, I’m going to talk to Norm about holding a show at the gallery here at AIP. If these sketches alone don’t convince him of my talent, then this one surely will:

I call it “Cow”. I know. It’s terrifying how awesome I am.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

The snacks have run amok

Just noticed this on Norm’s twitter:

Uh. If I used twitter this would be the part where I would tweet: “I DON”T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, NORM!” and then I would race home because chances are my snacks have escaped.

Crap.

But again, Norm, I would just like to reiterate that I don’t know anything about the squirrels.  Or the possums.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

Various Curiosities

1. The Pirates are unloading players like crazy these last few days.

I wonder if the Pirate Parrot is available for trade because if it is, I think you know what to do: trade a pack of gum for him, knock him unconscious with a tranq gun I’ll give you that I totally didn’t steal from Norm, and then after you’ve rendered him unconscious, bring me the giant bird. With some salt and pepper. And a giant toothpick.

Love you.

2.  The Steelers signed Heath Miller to a six-year deal, which was a smart move considering he is the one human on Earth I consider the closest to being a dinosaur. Or a machine. Or a robot. Or a robot dinosaur.

Let’s go with that.

3.  I think I’ll take Jake to the next AIP open house so he can meet some more humans. I take my mentor duties seriously and the lad clearly needs to practice his don’t eat the people skills.

Stop by and say hi to us if you come. We don’t bite.

LOL!

Get it? We totally bite. Hard.

But still, say hi!

4.  I have been foiled over and over again, mostly by Norm, in my attempts to steal that cuppy thing that lives at Mario’s house.  I’m bringing in reinforcements though, so watch out, Mario. Watch out.  It’s about to get all ninja up in here.

5.  A thought: There needs to be a movie about a ninja dinosaur and I need to star in it.

I’m glad you agree with me.

6.  Smithsonian.com has a post up about the Five Worst Dinosaur Movies of All Time which led me to a movie so bad, so atrocious, so hilariously devoid of anything positive that it might actually make your day.

Let’s do MATH TIME WITH REX!  Making you mathier because I care.

Girl in a brown bikini + dinosaur puppet + director + script – talent – special effects budget – plot – more talent + ridiculousness*763,000 = HAHAHAHAH.  HAHAHAHAH!  HAHAHAHHA!

I can’t pick my favorite part of the trailer. Maybe when the girl leapfrogs to safety, or the giant fake alligator, or maybe when the big fake Graboid shows up.

There’s no telling!

Worst movie ever or WORST BEST movie ever or BEST WORST movie ever?

I can’t decide. But I do know this, Ninja Dinosaur will win an Oscar.

Rawr.


Rex

A certain dinosaur victory.

A reader sent me this gift, an autographed copy of Dinosaur vs. Bedtime.

As a fearsome monstrous killer death lizard, as the King of the Dinosaurs for over 65 million years, I know with 100% certainty who is going to win this battle.

I’m going to bed to read my book.

By choice.  By choice I am going to bed because bedtime is whenever I say it’s bedtime and I say it’s bedtime so you CAN STOP LOADING UP THE TRANQ GUN, YOU BLOODTHIRSTY WRANGLER.

I’ll let you know tomorrow how the book turns out and how much Bedtime begs for its life when the dinosaur reigns victorious and if they throw the dinosaur a victory parade.

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species: