Presented by The Art Institute of Pittsburgh

Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Various curiosities.

1. Jake and I are currently trying to figure out what to be for Halloween.  I’m torn between Dead Barney and Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Dead Barney is awesome because, well, it’s dead Barney.  But if I go as Sheldon, I get to wear awesomely cool nerdy shirts which of course means more babes. But if I go as Dead Barney, I will make Norm upset at the inappropriateness of the costume, and you know how much I love to make Norm angry.

Decisions, decisions.

2.  Jake said he wants to be a Cleveland Brown for Halloween.  He says his costume will consist of 12 footballs suspended from his waist with string. You know, for all those passes they drop.  I support this costume idea.

3.  Check it:

And the picture is this:

I approve of this shirt and if you buy it for your human child, I won’t have a problem with it at all.

If however you buy THIS shirt:

I will use these supposedly puny little arms to [redacted by Norm] you.

4.  An email from an adoring fan:

Hi Rex,

We were in Pittsburgh a couple of weeks ago for Podcamp Pittsburgh and had a great time. When we got back to Texas, we found one of your cousins. He said his name was Tia Juana Saurus Mex, he said he was a distant cousin, twice removed. He wanted us to send you a picture so here it is.

Cheers,

Rafael Marquez

Hmmm. I don’t recognize this dinosaur at all. And he’s awfully tiny for a dinosaur. And I don’t know why, but I have the strongest desire to beat him with a stick until he pukes candy.

Which is surprising because I’m not normally a violent dino.

What?

Rawr.


Rex

PodCamp Pittsburgh 4

This weekend, AIP hosted PodCamp Pittsburgh 4 and when Norm told me about it for the first time a few weeks ago, I was like, “So, what, you guys gather around and talk about pods or camps or …?”

Then Norm told me it was a conference for bloggers, podcasters (no clue), and other such social media (no clue) type things, and I was like, “So, nerds, then?”

And then when I woke up from the completely unwarranted tranquing, I decided to check out this “PodCamp Pittsburgh 4″ for myself. I registered and everything.

The first thing that greeted me at PodCamp was some guy manning the registration table and his name was Chachi.  He really had a bad attitude with me, saying, “Yeah, if we knew you were a dinosaur, we wouldn’t have let you register. You’ll take up too much space, you’ll eat too much food, and besides, what does a dinosaur know about social media or blogging?”

I calmly explained to this Chachi person that 1. I have a blog and it’s the best blog in the world and 2. Joanie called and wants to know when he’s coming home for dinner.

Chachi eventually obliged and handed me my name tag, which, LOOK!

Do you see that? Rock. Star. It’s just a fact.

And do you also see they put my twitter name on there? My twitter account that Norm still won’t let me use for fear I’ll just post true facts about him like the fact that he always [redacted by Norm] before he [redacted by Norm] even if it [redacted by Norm].

After telling Chachi I would deal with his scrawny butt later, I headed up to the fourth floor to check out the sessions and the snacks and the cute nerd babes.  I learned so much! I learned how to find ways to post every single day (which I’m working on getting better at).  I learned how to be sure my online identity is a proper reflection of who I really am (and until Norm lets me show you how I can eat a flock of sheep, you’ll never really KNOW Creation Rex).  I learned not to tweet my poop (trust me, if I ever tweeted a picture of MY poop, I would break the Internet), and I learned about how to take better videos, during which, Chachi, who was in the session, whispered to me, “First, you’d need to get yourself some longer arms to hold the camera with.”

That guy.

After two days of instruction, I had made lots of new friends who now love to hang out with me.

BABES!  And yeah, there’s some guys there, too, but most importantly, BABES!

They even gave me a shirt to wear, see:

Stunning.

And then Chachi got brave and decided to try to steal my name tag and, well:

Totally worth the six tranq darts to my butt.

Rawr.


Rex

Mail time.

Mixed in with the adoring fan mail I receive, are letters that I feel deserve a public response, as opposed to the normally private responses I send stating, “You’re cute. Call me. Don’t tell Sally. Bring Carcass. Rawr. Rex.”

1.  Reader Sean wanted to know what I, the King of Steeler Nation, predicted for this year’s Steelers.  Here are my responses:

  • Number of James Harrison sacks: Not enough.
  • Limas Sweed’s numbers: 1 and 4.  And I bet when he does math he’s all, “Drop the 1, drop the 3, drop the …” because it’s not like he catches or carries anything.
  • Stefan Logan, greatest returner in team history or another Allen Rossum?: You mean that guy that basically handed the ball to the other team last week?  I predict he gets eaten by a dinosaur named Rex.
  • Will Jeff Reed be arrested during the season? Seriously?  That’s like asking “Will we have a cloudy, gray day in Pittsburgh this fall?” or “Will Norm tranq Rex into next Tuesday when he learns where Leo and Leonis just showed up?”  There’s a 100% chance of yes.
  • Who will lead the team in touchdowns scored? Not Willie Parker that’s for stinking sure.
  • Season prediction (please include the team record): This season will rock and the team record is “Renegade.”

That was easy.  You’re welcome, Sean.

2.  This is from reader Paul:

With you being the biggest and most ferocious Pittsburgh sports fan out there I was hoping that there is some way in which you can help out the Pittsburgh Pirates. First I thought you could give them a pep talk on how the city wants to see the Pirates succeed. Afterall look at how we have embraced the Steelers and Penguins, don’t they want to have a parade with several hundred thousand human fans and one awesome dinosaur? If that won’t work you can scare them into being being better with a ferocious RAWR and your intimidating demeanor. Maybe you can send in Jake to practice his intimidation skills, also to Norm to tranq the upper management staff into doing everything in their power to get a better team. I just want to see the Pirates do better just as much as you like eating octopus for an appetizer.

Aw. How cute.  He wants to see the Pirates do better.  First, tranquing upper management won’t do anything but make them even more dead to winning than they already are.  What they need actually is a kick in the pants and by pants I mean bum and by bum I mean wallets.  But you’re in luck, Paul!  They lost 99 games this season.  It’s not like they can do much worse. HAHAHAH!  That’s a joke.  They can totally do much worse.

3.  And finally, this from hot babe Shannon:

Rex, just wondering if you ever gave Jesus a lift?

To be honest, once when he was a kid I did let him go for a ride, but only because his asteroid-hurling Dad scares the poop out of me, so I pretty much had no choice.  I did it for the survival of my species.

You’re welcome, species!

Rawr.


Rex

Things you don’t know anything about.

Could you imagine if I actually tried to list all of the things that I know about that you don’t know anything about?  There aren’t enough terabytes on the planet.

For now though, you first of all don’t know anything about any dinosaur trying to sneak into the Mellon Arena for the first Penguins home game of the season.  The very Mellon Arena I was banned for life from because I did a harmless little thing like steal the Stanley Cup for a few hours.

Here’s the picture than ran in the newspaper next to the headline “Dinosaur spotted lurking in secure area of Mellon Arena. AIP denies it is Rex.”

Good ole’ AIP. Deny deny deny.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get into the building to watch the game live because those sneaky humans locked the roof, making it ridiculously hard for me to pry it open to peek in.  No matter, I watched the game on the outside screen with my adoring fans who liked to jokingly shout, “You! Dinosaur! Either shrink 20 feet or move to the back! Idiot!”

It’s cute how they jokingly call me “idiot.”  Much in the same way that it’s cute when I respond with [redacted by Norm].

The second thing you don’t know anything about is this cigar that Leo and Leonis sent me from Cuba where they’re enjoying a little beach adventure.

Did I say Cuba?  They’re not in Cuba, Dollar Bank.  They’re somewhere where it is perfectly legal to purchase cigars from.  Um, Indiana.

That’s a place right?

Also, bets on how long I can actually smoke this cigar before Norm marches out here and puts it out with the fire hose?  I’ll put $40,000 on ten seconds.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Going once …

Norm sent me an email about this news story explaining an auction of prehistoric items and then he pointed out this picture of a woman standing in front of some prehistoric shark jaws and Norm wrote, “HA! You’d be like a little snack for that shark!  Not so big and terrifying now are you?”

First, yeah, big jaws. Oooh, scary.  Second, um, who is alive and ruling Pittsburgh and who is now a section of bones and teeth being sold to the highest bidder?

Right.  I’ll await your apology, Norm.  Write it on a piece of paper and stick it in the box of the Wii you’re going to buy me to show how sorry you really are.

In addition, also up for auction is my friend Samson who I haven’t seen in AGES.  LITERAL AGES!  I’m trying to convine AIP to adopt him, but at a $6 million price tag all they would say was, “BWAH-HAHAH!”

What does that mean in English?

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species:
Rex

Various Curiosities

1. Well the G-20 is over and while many of you stayed away either because you wished to or were told to, I have to tell you, international reporter babes are so much fun.

I would tell you “Don’t tell Sally” but she was up to her eyeballs in love with a reporter from France, so I don’t think she would even notice if I was otherwise occupied with international reporter babes.

I wonder if River Rescue ever fished that reporter from France out of the Mon.  No clue how he got there.  At all.

Also, best part of the G-20? HORSES!

What?

2.  An adoring fan of mine, @getfreshdesigns, sent me this picture:

It’s a T-Rex game and the object of the game is to flee the angry, monstrous, king of beasts, the terrible tyrant lizard T-Rex.

Please note the box says you will move “realistic dinosaurs” safely away from the T-Rex.  I assume this means the dinosaurs cry like little babies all, “Don’t eat me! Please don’t eat me!”

I approve this game and if the maker of this game would like me to film commercials for this game, I will put that loser Sham-wow guy to shame.

3.  Pittsburgh is wondering what happened to the lions that normally guard the Dollar Bank on Fourth Avenue.

Norm even posted about it!  Here’s the before when the lions were on guard:

Here’s the now:

As you can see, their handler/wrangler is just staring at their empty seats wondering where his charges disappeared to.  You know his tranq gun is hidden safely in that bag, locked and loaded.

Um, those are my buddies Leo and  Leonis (they’re twins doncha know?) and when they read about my adventure in stealing the Stanley Cup, they came to me and said, “Rex, your life is so awesome and all we do is sit there on our pedestals and sleep and eat the occasional bank burglar.  We wish we had lives as exciting as yours.  And a girlfriend as hot as yours.”

I’m paraphrasing a bit.

So I instructed Leo and Leonis to find themselves an adventure.  I’m expecting a postcard back from them any day now.

I think they said they were heading east first.  Something about New York City.

I’ll keep you posted, Dollar Bank, and I’m sure as soon as they’ve sown their wild oats, those two rascals will be right back guarding your building before you know it.

And to you, dear readers, if you see Leo and Leonis’ handler around and he asks you if you have any idea where they’ve gone, repeat after me: “I don’t know anything about that.”

4. Finally, no, I can’t talk about the Steelers right now.  I’m too mad, it’s too painful, and Norm has told me I’m under no circumstances to eat Limas Sweed.

Even though he deserves it.

Rawr.


Rex

I’m kind of a big deal.

You know you have made it, finally truly have been recognized as the handsomest, most awesome dinosaur in the world when you’re subject to fan Photoshops (or whatever the heck program you creative types use to incorporate my chiseled face into photographs).

Take a look.

This first one, if you put your ear to your monitor, you can actually hear those guys thinking, “We are just not worthy.”

TRIPPY!:

That’s pretty much how I look after I’ve eaten a sheep.

New York!

Picture that face with this text over it: “Ninja Dinosaur.”

Why isn’t that a movie yet?!

No matter what color I am, I’m pretty ridiculously awesome:

Finally, I want this one to be poster-sized and hung in my bedroom.

Sally, surprisingly, has rejected that idea on the grounds that that girl is a total babe.

Norm, couldn’t you just imagine a photography exhibit at AIP’s gallery that focuses on, well, ME?

I agree. Best idea ever.  Get on that.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Stunning.

Here I am with my new G-20 background, which is the world map formed from various international ways to say “Welcome!”:

You might also notice that I’m wearing my best tie so that I can show the leaders of the world that I am a classy dinosaur. A dinosaur of taste.  A dinosaur who knows which fork to use.  A handsome dinosaur.  Pulchritudinous, if you will.  A dinosaur of many languages. Languageisimos, if you will.   A dinosaur Michelle Obama can feel comfortable inviting to State Dinners. A dinosaur that only on rare occasions misbehaves and steals major sporting event trophies. And I mean, VERY RARELY.

If you’re downtown for the G-20, stop by and say aloha to your bueno ami Rex.

Of course with all the security restrictions in place, you might have a hard time getting to me.  Too bad you’re not a giant dinosaur that can just walk across the riverbed like I can.

Also, Norm, yeah I found your car.  It’s drying off on the wharf.  YOU’RE POZHALOVAT!

Rawr.


Rex

The night I kissed Lord Stanley.

As I told you last week, I did not make it to the NFL kickoff concert at Point State Park, nor did I, the King of Steeler Nation, attend the game at Heinz Field.

With the entire city held captive by either that “dress” Fergie wore or by the mad football stylings of Troy Polamalu, Jake and I seized on a once in a lifetime opportunity to do what I have been threatening to do for three months.

Steal the Stanley Cup right out from under Sidney’s nose.

The first step was to be sure the entire student body was distracted and wouldn’t notice Jake and I slipping into the night like dinosaur ninjas.

You’ll notice Jake was SERIOUSLY angry about that bogus interference call on Troy Polamalu.  I managed to silence him right before he roared in anger.

Out into the cool night, Jake and I reviewed the plan which was 1. sneak out 2. steal the prize 3. laugh like mad maniacal dinosaurs 4. snack 5. nap.

That plan is foolproof.

Jake and I sneaked ninja-like through dark alleys and then swam the river up to Sewickley.  Here we are after exiting the river.

You’d never guess you were looking at dinosaurs would you?  Sally is a genius seamstress by the way.  Also, you should see the size of her sewing machine.

Look how happy Jake is!  Am I not the best mentor in the whole world?

After once again reviewing the plan and also informing Jake that under no circumstances was he to eat any of the Lemieux family pets except fish, we disabled the alarm system using a trick I learned on MacGyver last week (God bless bubble gum and toothpicks!) and slipped into Sidney’s bedroom to find this:

Aw. Sleeping with the Cup. How cute.

I turned to Jake and I said, “Ok. very gently, pick it up.”

And Jake walked over and gently picked Sid up like a little baby, to which I said, “WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?!”

And Jake looked very confused and said, “I thought we were picking up dinner!”

Kids these days. I swear. Can’t even steal right.

After I set him straight, Jake gingerly returned a still-sleeping Sid to his bed then I grabbed the Cup, gave it a quick smooch and we were off.

Unfortunately for us, we didn’t know Billy Guerin was also staying the night at Mario’s place.  He saw us sneaking off the property and promptly hopped in his car to chase us down while angrily punching Norm’s number into his cellphone to let him know what I had done.  I can’t for the life of me figure out how he knew it was us. I mean, hello? Disguises!

I guess Jake just doesn’t make a very good ninja.

This is the last thing I remember as I slipped into a tranq-induced unconsciousness:

Pretty sure he’s telling me where I can go and it’s not “to have a nap.”

The Cup is gone. But I had it briefly. I kissed it. I hugged it. I drank out of it. I wore it as a hat.

I’m in a WORLD of trouble.

I haven’t seen Norm this mad since I flicked his car into the river because I was teaching Jake about objects that sink versus objects that float.

Here’s a lesson for you today. Cars? Not very floaty!

Rawr!


Rex

It’s a football night in Pittsburgh!

I don’t have much time to write. As soon as I find my Terrible Towel, I’m walking down to the Point with a bunch of AIP students who invited me along to watch the free concert with Tim McGraw and the Black Eyed Peas.  I have the sneaking suspicion the only reason they invited me is because they hope I’ll give them turns atop my shoulders so they can have a better view. I’m okay with this.  As long as they’re babes.  And not Sally.  She’s ENORMOUS.

Then we’re heading over the watch the Steelers game at Heinz Field.  I don’t have a ticket, but I don’t see how that is going to stop me from getting in to watch the game. I mean really. Have you SEEN me?!

I’m going to take Jake with me because I think it would be a great learning experience for him to see how I finesse the security guards to let us through the gate and by “finesse” I mean [redacted by Norm].

I bet you $87 million that Norm redacts that.

Rawr.