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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

A chat with Norm

Me: [sigh]

Norm: Don’t sigh. You’ll blow the fridge over again. What’s wrong?

Me: The Steelers.

Norm: Yeah. Bummer.

Me:  MORE than ‘bummer’. This is terrible. We might not even make the playoffs this year!

Norm: Stop shouting. You’ll blow the window out again. Look, it happens. Teams win championships and then fall apart.

Me: Well, we have to beat Miami or we really are done for.

Norm: Yep.

Me:  We need  better defense.

Norm: Yep.

Me:  We need Troy Polamalu.

Norm: Yep.

Me: We need mojo.

Norm:  Yep.

Me:  I should eat a dolphin.

Norm:  Yep — NO!

Me: But it worked with the Penguins!  I won them the Stanley Cup! They were almost losers and I ate an octopus and just like that, WINNERS! I was a hero, a national hero! If I eat a dolphin and the Steelers win and somehow get to the playoffs, why, they’ll throw ME a parade!

Norm:  You’re NOT EATING A DOLPHIN! There is a difference in the eyes of a human when it comes to eating a tentacled, suction-cupped ocean dweller versus a kind, loving, beautiful, life-saving ocean dweller.

Me: But –

Norm:  No.

Me: But -

Norm: NO!

Me:  Fine.

(Ten minutes later)

Me: Do you happen to know which bus goes to the Zoo?

That’s the last thing I remember.

So if the Steelers lose on Sunday, don’t blame me.

I tried.

Blame Norm.

Rawr.


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Rex

Bring it, blogger.

This is a Rex Christmas card built by a six-year-old.

Except that it’s actually a Rex card built by a 35-year-old lady blogger.

I assume she is visually impaired because, first, my face is split open and second, my arm is falling off and third, my legs aren’t supporting my weight which is making me appear to be doing a split, and I haven’t done a split since my Broadway days, and fourth, I’m not even going to discuss the tape on my head, and fifth, I sure AM going to address her snide comment about my arms being unable to support the weight of a Terrible Towel, because it sounds very much like she insulted my massive arms.

I’m going to assume she’s just jealous because my blog is eons better than hers and because a baby giraffe (mmmmm) could build a better Rex than she can.

Norm told me to be nice because “you do not want to get on her bad side,” and I replied, “Buddy, I’m not on her bad side, SHE IS ON MINE.”

Rawr!


Rex

Adoring fan cards!

My fans have been busy building mini-Rex cards, as you can see by this picture I was sent:

rexcardcreation09

Even in black and white, I am devastatingly handsome.

The second from the left me appears to be either intoxicated or recently tranqed.

Gosh darn that Norm guy! Such a trigger finger that he shoots at anything that remotely resembles me.

I can’t even begin to imagine what he’ll do when the Rex bobblehead is made.

“It’s moving! [blam!]  It’s moving again [blam!]  Still moving! [blam! blam!]“

Rawr.


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Rex

All I want for Christmas.

alligator meat

I know. I know.  I haven’t written anything in days and the reason for that has nothing to do with me stalking the Mayor in order to exact revenge on behalf of AIP over the tuition tax.  It does however have everything to do with … uh … something else and I’m not going to tell you what so that you’ll have plausible deniability when you say, “No, I don’t know anything about that.”

I also spent some of my free time over the last few days combing through the internet to find the perfect things to include on the list I will leave laying around for Norm to accidentally discover — my list entitled, “Things I Want for Christmas, and if You Know What’s Good for You, You Will Buy Them for Me or I Will Hurt You While You Sleep. Rawr.”

And look at what I found!

1-800-exotic-meats!

No, it is not a dating service.  It is a place to buy exotic meats for that special dinosaur in your life named Rex.

They have EVERYTHING!  Deer meat, lion meat, alligator meat, llama meat, wild boar meat!

Now, calm down, animal lovers.  I’m sure 1-800-exotic-meats doesn’t go around shooting llamas.  I’m 100% sure they just walk behind the llamas waiting for them to drop dead, and THEN they take their meat.

Regardless,my “Things I Want for Christmas, and if You Know What’s Good for You, You Will Buy Them for Me or I Will Hurt You While You Sleep. Rawr.” list goes like this:

1. Lion meat, but only if the lion suddenly dropped dead so as not to get the animal lovers writing me nasty letters

2.  One whole week without me waking to find a tranq dart sticking out of my snout because you are a lousy shot who couldn’t hit my butt if I painted a bullseye on it.

3.  Bull meat.  See number 1.

4.  Ten minutes alone with the Mayor

5.  The return to me of the Stanley Cup that I rightfully stole

6.  A chance to speak at Barney’s funeral

And boy, if Norm gets me number 6 for Christmas, I already know what I’ll say at the funeral.  I’ll say, “BOO-YAH! Told you I’d outlive your purple [redacted by Norm], you [redacted by Norm] piece of [redacted by Norm].

‘Tis the season!

Rawr.


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Rex

Crafty little Christmas card of amazing handsomeness.

You have no idea how many fans I have and the reason is because I’m not sure there’s a number that goes that high.

And because I have so many fans, if I wanted to mail each of you a Christmas card, it would probably cost Norm about six trillion dollars in postage.

And since Norm is a stingy wrangler who has fits of dry heaves every time I ask him to open his wallet and spare me a few dollars, I’m pretty sure we can safely assume there aren’t six trillion dollars available in AIPs postage budget.

So I went to my friend Jordan, a student here at AIP, and I said, “Jordy, could you design a Christmas card for me?  About me?  OF me?”

And he said, “Don’t call me Jordy, Barney.”

And after we had a little argument that turned into a blazing fight, LOOK AT WHAT HE MADE!

holidayrex

Look at the Terrible Towel replica, just like the one I wept into this Sunday!

If you would like a Christmas card from me that you can fold into your very own miniature me and have ME on your desk forever and ever or until the next asteroid, all you have to do is click on this picture:

rex_holiday

Print it out and then follow the directions.

If you need help, here’s a video of the card being assembled:

Well done, Jordy!

Oh, did I mention I won the fight?

Rawr.


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Rex

A chat with AIP’s President

516AW5ZS95L._SL500_AA280_

So the other day, I was sitting with my laptop on the Boulevard, minding my own business while shopping online for Christmas gifts for Norm and Sally and Matt Lamanna and Barney (Play-Doh, diamonds, coal and botulism, respectively) when AIP’s president suddenly appears in front of me and he is pacing up and down the sidewalk, clearly worried about something, so being the kind and caring dinosaur I am, I asked him if he was okay:

Rex: WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT?!  That muttering and pacing and muttering and pacing.  I’m trying to shop here.

George:  Sorry.  I’m very worried.

Rex: Yeah, join the club.  Did you know you can’t just buy botulism online? Is this not 2009?!

George:  The mayor is trying to tax the students.  I’m very worried.

Rex:  You already mentioned.  Why don’t you just eat him?

George:  It doesn’t work that way, Rex.  He’s going to tax our students 1% of their tuition.  Taxing education!  Whoever heard of such a thing?

Rex:  Not me.  You want ME to eat him?

George:  NO!

Rex:  What good is owning a monstrous killer death lizard if you never let him help you?

George:  NO!  You will not harm the Mayor.  Final answer.

Rex:  Stretch him a little bit?

George:  No!  We will deal with this in council chambers and through lobbying and through the courts.

Rex:  Ok.  How about I just pick him up, swing him around like a Terrible Towel, and then fling him into the river for a swim?  He might actually enjoy that.

George:  Rex …

Rex:  You humans are no fun.

George:  Anyway, I’m so worried–

Rex:  YOU SAID!

George:  Our students already pay their fair share.  They live here and work here and spend their money here and that means they’re already paying taxes and bearing some of the burden.  Why burden them further?

Rex:  Oooh!  Look!  Amazon.com has the Play-Doh Barber Shop on sale.  Norm would play with that for DAYS.

George:  –This is like being punished for choosing to be educated in the City of Pittsburgh.  It doesn’t make any sense.

Rex:  Know what else doesn’t make any sense?  How freaking expensive coal is.  Geez. I might need to sell another piece of art.

George: –is a short-term solution that abandons ethics and logic and will generate long-term damage to the higher education community in Pittsburgh. I’m frustrated beyond belief.

Rex:  Are you SURE I can’t just stretch him a little?

George: —–

Rex:  YES!

George: NO!  I will call Norm.

Rex:  Go ahead.  If he tranqs me, he’s getting coal, too.

George:  I’m going back in now.  Thanks for letting me talk it out.  Behave.

Rex:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Promise.

Then after he left I started tiptoeing up to Grant Street but someone tipped Norm off because I lost consciousness around Cherry Way.

SOMEONE isn’t getting real Play-Doh for Christmas.

Rawr.

Wrangler Note:

Despite Rex’s best intentions the river probably isn’t the best way to influence City Council and the Mayor’s Office. If you would like to oppose this tax you can email your City Council Member from the city’s website.


Rex

Light Up Night 2009!

Because I don’t say this enough, I am a freaking fantastic mentor.

Because I don’t get enough pats on the back for that, please, hot babes, come here and give me a pat on the back.

I took Jake to Light Up Night in downtown Pittsburgh last Friday and while any old dinosaur can use his perfectly right-sized and useful arms to hold a camera and snap some awesome pictures, it takes a special dinosaur, a talented dinosaur, to instead create original artworks depicting the fun of the evening.

This first one is called, “NO, JAKE!”

As you can see, Jake wanted to steal the bag of toys from Santa.  I tell you, you allow your mentor to participate in one teeny tiny Stanley Cup heist and the next thing you know, he thinks he can just steal anything he wants.  I scolded him and lured him away with the promise of fireworks.

As you can see, the city was so crowded it was hard to find a place for two giant dinosaurs to stand to watch the fireworks display.  Lucky for Jake and I, we were able to watch while taking a dip in the river.   If you look at the bridge, ninth person from the left, you’ll see Norm aiming the tranq gun at us.  He failed.

Lousy shot.  After the show, we headed over for some ice skating at PPG plaza.

What?  Don’t you judge me unless you can say that you’ve never flung human beings out of an ice rink to make room for you and your mentee to skate freely.

Like I said, I’m a fantastic mentor.  Come pat my back.

Rawr.


Rex

Halloween 2009.

Jake and I had such a blast this Halloween!

We started our evening handing out candy to AIP students and that was awesome for about three minutes because that’s how long the candy lasted before Jake snarfed it all down.

I used to be like Jake, eating all the candy I could get my mouth on, even going so far as stealing candy from young trick or treaters.  But I only did that one time back in the 1950s.

How was I supposed to know it wasn’t a real rabbit?!  And relax, I didn’t eat the kid.  He had at most one or two puncture wounds before my old handler Matty tranqued me within an inch of my life.  The point is, I learned my lesson.  Don’t eat ANYTHING on Halloween just because it looks like an animal.

So this Halloween, to be sure we were looking at REAL animals, Jake and I headed to the Zoo to trick or treat.

Can I just tell you, contrary to what you may believe, the Pittsburgh Zoo will not in fact toss a baby monkey into your treat bag just because you show up in a caveman outfit and say “Trick or treat!”

Not only will they not give you a monkey, they will kick you out and call your handler who will come to the zoo with guns blazing.

Blazing, I tell you.

When I came to, it was this morning and who should be standing in front of me, mocking my outfit, calling me Barney and being all brave-like, but Chachi.

Lucky for me, it didn’t take me but a moment to clear my head and realize I was still holding a club and that I was still a fierce monstrous killer death lizard.

Here lies Chachi.

Someone come get his body.  I’m not saying he’s dead, but he sure does stink.

Rawr.


Rex

Let’s be terrifying!

Having lived on this Earth for over 65 million years I have seen a lot of Halloweens and that means I have seen Halloween gradually transform from a holiday full of scary costumes, into a holiday that merely encourages young human women to dress as provocatively as possible as anything from a sexy maid to a sexy honey bee.  I’m not even making that up. Who is the genius that first looked at a honey bee and said, “Wow. Hot!” Or, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.

It’s stupid.  Halloween is for scaring people so I say we get back to that. Forget the silly sexy police costume or the sexy cow costume (I have no idea if that even exists, but I bet you $87 million it does), and let’s get back to being terrifying.

And what’s more terrifying than a dinosaur? Nothing.

Except these horrible costumes. Don’t wear ANY of these:

1. Adult Barney, because you look dumb and because I’ll probably flay you if I see you in it.  I can’t control my killer instinct when I see that stupid green belly.

2. Don’t wear this one because it apparently will make you dance like the last drunk, single guy on the dance floor of a winding-down wedding reception.

No one needs to see that.

3.  Don’t wear this one unless you want to look like a Jackal dressed as a dinosaur heading to a Furry convention.

That should be illegal.

4.  Don’t wear these ones because we’ve already talked about how we dinosaurs don’t believe in being saddled up by humans unless we have an express written agreement that we’re allowed to eat the human at the end of the ride.

Although I gotta say, riding a Pterodactyl sounds like an awesome good time.

5.  Finally, whatever you do, DON’T WEAR THIS ONE!  Because as you can see, Norm plans to wear it:

If that isn’t just the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

Well, I’m going to go work on my costume for a bit and I’m going to do it being thankful that there is no such thing as a sexy dinosaur costume.

Oh, crap.

Rawr.


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Rex

Concept art by Rex.

I’m so excited for Halloween this year, so I’ve put my incredible art skills to work at some concept art for possible Halloween costumes. As of this writing, AIP has insisted that I can not be Dead Barney for Halloween so I’ve come up with these other possibilities.

First, I was thinking of being Buzz Lightyear and making Norm go as Sheriff Woody, since he’s already got the hat and the gun and the trigger finger and the whiny voice:

You’ll notice Jake has zoomed off in a space ship to fight evil Emperor Zurg and his galactic forces. Godspeed, Jake. Bring me back Little Bo Peep’s sheep. In a handy carry-out container with hot sauce, if at all possible.

My other idea was to dress as Indian chief Giant Scary Teeth, and have Norm be a lowly Indian servant forced to do my bidding.

Note I threw in some snacks in this picture, also known as buffaloes. This is fabulous, I like it a lot, and the first reader to comment ANYTHING about “Stegosaurus” will be [redacted by Norm].

Did Norm just redact that? No matter. Use your imagination. Then add pointy teeth.

Rawr.


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