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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Future Proactiv Spokesdinosaur

I stumbled upon this while searching for information on how to medically treat a dinosaur who swallowed a vuvuzela. Uh, I was searching on behalf of a friend. Who got mad. When the US lost. And he ate a Ghana fan’s vuvuzela. And now his burps are muffled and his farts sound weird…er.

Anyway, what I found was this little puppet show being featured in the Minnesota Fringe Festival of Performing Arts:

“Fartosaurus Rex!” is the saga of what happens when the king of carnivores decides to take up a vegetarian diet of legumes, broccoli and cabbage. His cholesterol levels go way down and he finds friendship with fellow prehistoric creatures now that they no longer worry about getting their heads bitten off.

But there’s also an unfortunate change to his digestive system. Fartosaurus Rex’s former prey used to flee his fangs. Now they fear his flatulence. Will the dinosaur lose his new buddies? Will climate change ensue because of this new source of methane?

A puppet show about flatulence, friendship and food politics, starring a giant green dinosaur who sings, dances and cuts the cheese.

I’m pretty sure I got ripped off, because last year when Norm was on his beans and more beans diet, I submitted an idea to the Three Rivers Arts Festival for a mini-theater production called Normasaurus Farts, about an annoying dinosaur who runs around tranquing innocent victims with silent but deadly farts. I was going to play the ruggedly handsome hero that eventually vanquishes the nuclear cloud hovering over the city.

Surprisingly, I never heard back. No matter, I’m sending a cease and desist letter to the Fringe Festival along with a bill for six trillion dollars.

Now, I’m off to Google “Does pooping out an entire vuvuzela hurt?”

For my friend.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

Norm should really password protect his laptop

Without his knowledge, I’ve replaced Wrangler Norm’s normally boring, staid screensaver, this one:

With this supercalifragilisticfreakingamazing one:

(source)

Let’s see if he notices the difference.

I’ll let you know tomorrow exactly which body functions he loses control of.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

A bargain, for sure.

Late Pittsburgher Andy Warhol (just another one of the billions of people I have outlived) had a self-portrait sell for a whopping $32.6 million at auction at Southeby’s when famed fashion designer Tom Ford put it on the block.

It’s basically a giant painting of a skinny purple man with messy hair, and Norm informs me that as an official representative of a respected and reputable art school, I should have a better appreciation of iconic art and should not call it a “giant painting of a skinny purple man with messy hair.”

He gets particularly mad when I call the Mona Lisa “that ugly chick.”

Forget skinny and messy, here’s an even better painting that I will sell for the low low bargain basement price of $25 million.

Does anyone have Tom Ford’s number because I understand he has a giant blank space on his wall now.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

May the fourth be with you.

In Norm’s apartment:

Norm: What the heck are you doing?

Rex: Using the Force.

Norm: What force?

Rex: THE Force.

Norm: The — hah hah — Jedi Force?

Rex: Laugh, you do. Eat you, I will.

Norm: What are you attempting to use the Force to do, exactly, because it looks like you’re just sitting there on the couch with your eyes shut real tightly.

Rex: From you, silence. Concentrating, I am.

Norm: On what!? Oh, never mind. Move please, I think you’re sitting on my laptop.

Rex: Sitting on it, I am.

Norm: Then move!

Rex: Move, I will not.

Norm: You’ll crush it!

Rex: Yes. Crush it, I will. [opens eyes] Unless you pay me a hundred bucks.

Norm: No way.

Rex: [closes eyes] Then crush it, I will. A thousand pieces, into. A pressure slight, it will only take. Watch –

Norm: OKAY! I’ll give you a hundred bucks!

Rex: Here’s your laptop. And what do you know, the Force works.

Having discovered that I do in fact have the powers of the Jedi Force, and also having a hundred dollars to burn, I bought myself a snazzy new outfit for May 4th, also known as Star Wars Day.

What do you think?

We’re going to have a photo shoot on Tuesday, May 4th at noon if you want to come down here and get your picture taken with me looking all Jedi-awesome. I wonder if I can get the mayor to come down and visit me so I can get a chance to say, “Luke, I am your FAH-THER!”

I just realized though, that I don’t have a light saber and I’ve used all my money on my costume. Looks like I’m going to have to use the Force to get some more money out of Norm.

I wonder how much me NOT sitting on his car would be worth?

Rawr.


Rex

Aboot last week.

I know. I know. It’s not that I mean to disappear for a week at a time, leaving Norm wondering where I’ve gone to and if I’m getting in trouble and how on earth it can be so darn difficult to track down a monstrous killer death lizard on the loose in Pittsburgh, it’s just that, it’s very hard to find a senator ripe for the taking.

As it happens, while I was stalking Senator Casey in DC, I learned the Pens managed to beat the Senators because Jake texted me with the score (you should see the size of my cell phone; it’s called an iPad).

I returned to Pittsburgh to find Norm waiting with guns blazing and with solidified plans to chain me down when he goes to sleep at night.

Either way, the Pens move on to round two, where I’m either eating a Bruin or a Canadien.

I’m hoping for a Canadian because I have no clue on earth what a bruin is.  It could be a car or a tree for all I know.  At least with a Canadian, I know I’m getting some bloody carcass, eh?

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

All I’m asking for is one little senator!

So, as you know, the Penguins did not win their game and the reason they did not win is this …

Norm wouldn’t let me eat a senator.

I’m not even asking for a United States Senator! A lowly state senator would do. I wonder if I can get a state senator to “take one for the team,” so to speak. I wouldn’t even kill him. Just maim him a little bit.

Also, do you guys read the Pensblog?  They’re having a little photoshop contest about what “Out for Justice,” the phrase on the back of the White-Out shirts, means to you.

Here’s what I submitted:

I think the word you’re searching for is “bazinga!”

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

Let’s go Pens!

As you can see, I am showing my Penguins pride today by wearing my white shirt for tonight’s White Out as our boys take on the Senators in game 1 of the first playoff round.

I wish I could do more to help the Pens’ mojo, but Norm has this really ridiculous rule about me not being allowed to eat Senators.

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species: , ,
Rex

Dear Pittsburgh,

I came to the Google Day photo session only because I wanted to be a period at the end of the word Google or perhaps a part of the thing that hangs down from the second “g.”

You didn’t have to all go running off screaming like Godzilla was after you and the Mayor certainly didn’t need to call Norm up and Norm certainly didn’t need to set the tranq gun to “DECIMATE” before firing it at me.

It’s okay though.  I got Norm back.  I set my butt to “ANNIHILATE” before I [redacted by Norm] in his apartment.

Rawr.


Rex

Googlesaurus

Norm informed me that today is Google Day here in Pittsburgh, and so I figured that means I’m supposed to Google stuff.

So I decided to Google dinosaurs, specifically I decided to Google “dinosaurs are the best” because I figured I would find some really great dinosaur fan sites maybe being run by some really great and cute babes.

However, I didn’t get past typing “dinosaurs are” before Google decided it knew what I might want to search for:

Dinosaurs are Jesus ponies?

Dinosaurs are dragons?!

Dinosaurs are a myth? Yeah, come here and I’ll show you all the pointy myths in my mythical mouth.

Norm walked into the room as I was sending a strongly worded email  to every website that came up when I clicked on “dinosaurs are a hoax.”

Norm: Why are you banging on your keyboard so hard? And why have you destroyed my room again?  Also, have you seen my calculator watch?

Rex: Hmph.

Norm: What are you doing? You’re not sending Chachi hate mail again are you?

Rex: It’s Google Day, you said, so I’m “Googling” and I discovered that Google is prejudiced against dinosaurs because as soon as you type the word “dinosaur” into the little box, it starts spewing lies at you.  I mean, “JESUS PONIES?!” 

Norm: Oh, relax.  Try typing in “Barney is” and I think you’ll feel better.

What do you know?  I DO feel better.

I’d rather be a mythical Jesus pony than a very real, very flammable antichrist.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species: ,
Rex

I’m not saying humans are gullible. I’m SHOUTING IT.

If spending $12,000 on a watch that contains dinosaur poop isn’t your idea of high fashion, then perhaps you’ll feel more inclined to spend $140,000 on a designer watch that contains dinosaur bones.

Here’s the watch …

Do you see the dinosaur bones in there?  Right there.  See them?  Me neither.  But it gave me ANOTHER business idea.

I’m going to sell you this watch that ALSO contains dinosaur bones, and I’ll sell it to you for the low low price of $50,000:

Do you see the dinosaur bones in there?  They’re in there.  I promise.  That’ll be $50,000.

Also, if Norm asks if you’ve seen his lost watch … I don’t know anything about that.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: