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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Armageddon.

I was trolling the Scientific American site today when I came across an article entitled thusly:

First, I must ask why even ask this question?  Do we dinosaurs take to scientific journals to ask, “If a human being came face-to-face with a wild mountain lion, what are the chances of survival, given the human’s gross inferiority to all animals in general?” We don’t.

Anyway, after I awoke from the gosh darn tranq-ing that Norm gave me because I started trashing his place in anger, I had to read the article.

Please, please, dear friends, read to the end of this excerpt:

American paleontologist Henry Fairfield Osborn, the first one to describe T. rex, initially expressed doubts that the relatively small humerus, or upper arm bone, associated with this enormous animal really belonged to it. Once convinced, however, he forwarded the first theory in 1906 of their utility–in grasping organs for copulation.

I don’t normally like to use your childish LOLs or ROTFLs, but seriously … Oh. Emm. Gee.

The arms of a monstrous killer death lizard can easily bench 400 pounds and THAT was the only use he could come up with?

Rest easy, tonight, “Dr.” Matt Lamanna, there existed a dumber paleontologist than you.

Rawr.


Rex

Asking for it with please and a cherry on top.

Yesterday, just before lunch time, I walked into the student lounge here at AIP looking for my running shoes.

Some [redacted by Norm] had Barney playing on the TV. I’m not making that up.

Barney.

Not “SUIT UP!” Barney.

I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family [gag] Barney.

The purple freak of joy.

The biggest, smelliest [redacted by Norm] of [redacted by Norm] that ever [redacted by Norm] who can [redacted by Norm] for all I care.

I’m beginning to think whoever stole my racing shoes is the same person that shoved the newspaper in my mouth and is the same person that tuned the TV to Barney. Someone is out to get me and I’m betting you a million dead pteryodactlys that his name starts with “Dr.” and ends with “Matt Lamanna.”

It’s on.

RAWR!


Rex

[ptewie!]

Good morning, children!

How are you today, my dear Art Institute of Pittsburgh students and downtown workers?

Are we having a good day?

Isn’t the weather lovely?

Are we excited for the marathon this weekend that I’ll be winning with an hour to spare even though I’ve been training without my shoes?

Now that the chitchat is out of the way, let’s make this easy and you guys tell me which one of you shoved the library’s copy of the Wall Street Journal in my mouth this morning while I was still sleeping.

Sometimes you humans have no respect for the incredible destruction I could rain down on your toothpick-like bones.

If you’re going to put something in my mouth while I’m sleeping can I recommend you place a meat of some sort? A scutellosaurus would be perfect. Or Matt Lamanna’s car. Or the unconscious body of whoever STOLE MY RUNNING SHOES!

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  Oh, Penguins.

Grrrrr.

2. Oh, FSN and The Great Outage of 2009 During Which Pens Fans All Over Pittsburgh Came Close To Descending On FSN Headquarters While Moaning BRAINS. BRAIIIIIIINS.

Hisssssss.

3.  In comments to my post about the students being do-gooders this week, two people commented wanting to remind you students to complete your FAFSAs because you only have until next week to do it and if you don’t do it, you can kiss your financial aid money goodbye.

Then I imagine it will be like that Geico commercial where everywhere you turn there will be a pile of cash with eyeballs on it and someone will say to you, “Oh, that? That’s just the money you could have had if you had BOTHERED TO FILL OUT THE FAFSA!”

Do it, because I told you to. Because I care about you. Because I will bite you if you don’t.

See what you did? You made me resort to violence.  I abhor violence.

What?

4.  My marathon training is really going great with me running 26 miles in an hour yesterday. I would have gotten a better time if I didn’t swing by the Carnegie Museum to … uh …

Never mind.  I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, NORM!

5. Why Calvin should be in charge of everything forever and ever.

I accept.

6.  If the giant T-Rex skeleton at the Carnegie crumbles to the ground this weekend, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  Why am I not wearing any Penguins gear?  We are halfway through the first round of playoffs and I’m standing here COMPLETELY and UTTERLY NAKED!

If this were football season, I’d at least have a dead raven or a mangled cardinal or a begging bengal in my mouth by now.

2.  Norm won’t let me tweet on twitter, but he told me that Oprah recently joined twitter.

Oprah is on twitter?!

What could she possibly have to tweet about?

Oprah Made a gazillion dollars today.

Oprah Spent a billion dollars this afternoon.

Oprah Made a trillion bamillion eleventy google dollars this hour

Oprah Living my best life.

Oprah Spent a billion dollars

Oprah Living my best life with the rainbow of fruit flavors of my chi.

I mean, really.  Some people don’t need to be on twitter.

3.  Is Barney on twitter?

I don’t want to know.

4. One of AIP’s own was profiled in the Tribune Review.  He is Barron Whited, the director of counseling.  I bet he’s the guy Norm runs to when I make him cry.

5.  Ignoring the grossly minuscule size of the arms, here’s a really wonderful t-shirt you can get from Snorg.

Rawr doesn’t really mean “I love you.”  SOMETIMES it means “I love you” and sometimes it means “I’m going to eat you.”

It’s all in the inflection.

Also, that girl is cute.

Don’t tell Sally!!

6.  Chasing a wild turkey the other day, I ran 10 miles in three minutes.  This is stellar time, so I’ve decided to run in the Pittsburgh marathon.  Which means I REALLY need to find those shoes or the person that stole the shoes. In the meantime, I’m running barefoot.  Hopefully I won’t get injured because it would be just like Norm to take me to “Dr.” Matt Lamanna for treatment, and the next thing you know I’m a poorly assembled statue of rickety bones placed in his museum for the kids to look at.

Rawr! (guess which one I mean)


Rex

Okay/Not Okay

Today’s edition of Okay/Not Okay covers baking products.

Okay:

These are adorable little cookie cutters you can use for your child’s dinosaur-themed birthday party (as if there was any other kind).

NOT OKAY!

Norm sent me this link wondering if “Dr.” Matt Lamanna had anything to do with this product and I must say, I’m pretty sure Norm was laughing hysterically as he sent the email.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my life and that includes the time that the cavemen managed to saddle me and ride me like a horse.

Get your tranq gun powered up, Norm, because there’s about to be some destroying happening up in here.

RAWRRRRRR!


Rex

Best. Costume. EVER!

Humans are ridiculous with their overuse of “Best EVER!”

Best coffee EVER!

Best show EVER!

Best headline EVER!

Best whatever EVER!

And it’s never ever the best ever.  EVER!

Until now.

Humans, I give you the Best. Costume. EVER!

I hope Matt Lamanna gets this for Halloween.  If not, I suppose I can just kidnap him and carry him around in a little cage for a bit.

Best. Meal. EVER!

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

If it flies away and never comes back, it got tired of the nagging.

Here’s some dinosaur news:

Paleontologists have claimed that dinosaurs may have evolved wings to woo the opposite sex, a theory which puts an end to the decades-long debate on the evolution of flight by the ancestors of modern avians.

I don’t know who these erroneous paleontologists are, but I have a feeling that one of them has a name that starts with Matt and ends with Lamanna.

Let me tell you, every dinosaur I have ever known in my life that suddenly sprouted a pair of wings, did not gain or use those wings to “woo” (who even uses that word?!) the opposite sex.  No, every dinosaur I ever knew that sprouted wings and flew away did it to GET AWAY from the opposite sex!

You’ve never heard nagging until you’ve heard a female dinosaur nag.

“These eggs aren’t going to fertilize themselves!”

“The survival of our kind is resting on your shoulders!”

“Look at this place!  A dodo bird couldn’t live in this mess!”

“When is the last time you cleaned your teeth?  Your breath is horrid and you have a pterodactyl eyeball stuck in your teeth!  God.”

“I thought I told you to stop bringing the cave children home! For the last time, I don’t believe you that they followed you and also, we have enough pets!”

Fly away, little dino.  Fly away.

(Don’t tell Sally!)

Rawr.


Rex

Rex Responds

Reader Snuffelupagus (I’m guessing that’s not his/her real name) commented on this post and wrote:

Whether “Dr.” Matt Lamanna designed that awful Godzilla-esque doll or not, I’m sure he’d be very disappointed that Rex forget to italicize Triceratops. But maybe this will answer a long-standing question for me – while it’s scientific convention to italicize the genus and species names of organisms, do the organisms themselves do so? Or even care?

To expand on that thought, sort of like in the T.S. Eliot poem, do you identify with the name that scientists have given you or do you have your own secret name for yourself?

First, no, we dinosaurs are not big on italicizing our genus and species because that’s a human rule and dinosaurs are not ruled by human rules.  We follow Dinosaur Rules.

Secondly, I love the name Tyrannosaurus Rex because it means “Tyrant Lizard” and it sounds scary and big and fascinating and teethy.  Everything that I am.

On the other hand, my friend Sophie is a Barapasaurus and boy does she hate that name because every time we say it, we burp.  Drives her crazy.

Finally, do I have a secret name for myself? Other than Rex, I don’t. But I do have a nickname for my girlfriend Sally and that is Ponn Farr.

Google it.

Rawr.


Rex

A Rex Quiz

Who said it?

“This is ampiocoelias, this bruhathakayosaurus, puertasaurus, argentinosaurus, turiasaurus and this one is argyrosaurus.”

A.  Sally, showing me pictures of all of her former boyfriends. None of whom had a blog. Pbthh!

B.  “Dr.” Matt Lamanna, just making up crap, as usual. “Oooh, look, a Doofusaurus!”

C.  Norm, showing me dinosaurs that he can replace me with if I don’t behave myself more often. Pbthh!

D.  A five-year-old human kid from Czechoslovakia named Petr.

Of course the answer is D!

A five-year-old boy showed a formidable memory and pronunciation in a palentology test on Tuesday when he managed to distinguish 69 dinosaur species, to the astonishment of the examiners from an agency for national records registration.

If I could adopt a human child, this is the child I would adopt.

Also, I bet he would treat me better than Norm because I bet Petr would understand that sometimes, it’s okay for a dinosaur to crave zoo animals.

Rawr.