Presented by The Art Institute of Pittsburgh

Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

A chat with AIP’s President

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So the other day, I was sitting with my laptop on the Boulevard, minding my own business while shopping online for Christmas gifts for Norm and Sally and Matt Lamanna and Barney (Play-Doh, diamonds, coal and botulism, respectively) when AIP’s president suddenly appears in front of me and he is pacing up and down the sidewalk, clearly worried about something, so being the kind and caring dinosaur I am, I asked him if he was okay:

Rex: WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT?!  That muttering and pacing and muttering and pacing.  I’m trying to shop here.

George:  Sorry.  I’m very worried.

Rex: Yeah, join the club.  Did you know you can’t just buy botulism online? Is this not 2009?!

George:  The mayor is trying to tax the students.  I’m very worried.

Rex:  You already mentioned.  Why don’t you just eat him?

George:  It doesn’t work that way, Rex.  He’s going to tax our students 1% of their tuition.  Taxing education!  Whoever heard of such a thing?

Rex:  Not me.  You want ME to eat him?

George:  NO!

Rex:  What good is owning a monstrous killer death lizard if you never let him help you?

George:  NO!  You will not harm the Mayor.  Final answer.

Rex:  Stretch him a little bit?

George:  No!  We will deal with this in council chambers and through lobbying and through the courts.

Rex:  Ok.  How about I just pick him up, swing him around like a Terrible Towel, and then fling him into the river for a swim?  He might actually enjoy that.

George:  Rex …

Rex:  You humans are no fun.

George:  Anyway, I’m so worried–

Rex:  YOU SAID!

George:  Our students already pay their fair share.  They live here and work here and spend their money here and that means they’re already paying taxes and bearing some of the burden.  Why burden them further?

Rex:  Oooh!  Look!  Amazon.com has the Play-Doh Barber Shop on sale.  Norm would play with that for DAYS.

George:  –This is like being punished for choosing to be educated in the City of Pittsburgh.  It doesn’t make any sense.

Rex:  Know what else doesn’t make any sense?  How freaking expensive coal is.  Geez. I might need to sell another piece of art.

George: –is a short-term solution that abandons ethics and logic and will generate long-term damage to the higher education community in Pittsburgh. I’m frustrated beyond belief.

Rex:  Are you SURE I can’t just stretch him a little?

George: —–

Rex:  YES!

George: NO!  I will call Norm.

Rex:  Go ahead.  If he tranqs me, he’s getting coal, too.

George:  I’m going back in now.  Thanks for letting me talk it out.  Behave.

Rex:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Promise.

Then after he left I started tiptoeing up to Grant Street but someone tipped Norm off because I lost consciousness around Cherry Way.

SOMEONE isn’t getting real Play-Doh for Christmas.

Rawr.

Wrangler Note:

Despite Rex’s best intentions the river probably isn’t the best way to influence City Council and the Mayor’s Office. If you would like to oppose this tax you can email your City Council Member from the city’s website.


Rex

Super Ninja Robot Sea Monster Dino!

While I was angrily ranting and raving about those jerk Geekologie writers making fun of my arms, AIP student Eric happened to be walking by and this happened:

Rex: RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eric: You okay, Rex?

Rex: RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eric: Uh-oh. What happened?

Rex: RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  [shows Eric the Geekologie post]

Eric: Aw. Silly nerds.  Here, this will make you feel better.

And Eric whipped out his drawing pad and quickly sketched a picture showing how he views me:

robotdino

Yes. Robot Ninja Sea Monster Dinosaur rules Pittsburgh!

I asked Eric to be sure to include in the sketch the Geekologie writers, Barney, Matt Lamanna, Scott Mervis and all the other enemies I have and he did.

Don’t you see them?

They’re in that there plane I just sent down in a ball of fire.

I feel better already.

Rawr.


Rex

Doing … and not doing.

Things I am doing this weekend:

1. Seeing as today is New Student Orientation at AIP, I’ll be spending the start of this weekend teaching a whole batch of new students all of the ways they should avoid ticking off AIP’s monstrous killer death lizard. First lesson … DON’T STEAL MY STUFF!

2.  Going through my 672 vacation photos to pick the cream of the crop to show you. Prepare to be blown the heck away.  When Rex vacations, HE VACATIONS!

3.  Taking Jake to Sandcastle Water Park. This is going to be very interesting.  I’m imagining lots of running and terrified screaming. Can’t wait.

4.  Teaching Norm some math. He’s not very mathy. I think I’ll start with the most basic of equations.

Rex + <30 lbs of carcass per week = Norm + bruises + bleeding ouchies

This I am NOT doing this weekend. No sir. Not doing ‘em.

1. Dismantling and correctly rearranging the T-Rex versus T-Rex display at the Carnegie because “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is a dinosaur dummie.  Not doing that.

2.  Stealing the Stanley Cup. Definitely not doing that. No sir.

3.  Hunting down whoever submitted this as a design for a Woot! shirt and sic-ing angry chickens on her.

4.  Seeking a tech expert to help me disengage the web-cameras at the T-Rex versus T-Rex display. Don’t need that. Don’t email me at rex@normanhuelsman.com/creationrex if you know anyone that could do that for me. I won’t respond. No sir.

Rawr.


Rex

A vacation story. Pictures by Norm. Words by Rex.

Please accept my apologies that I did not post anything on Friday.  As you recall, that was graduation day at AIP, so you can imagine the hustle and bustle of the day for a graduate like me.

I’m not the only one that was AWOL on Friday.  As you also recall, my wrangler Norm was on vacation last week which meant I got to post whatever I wanted to without it having to go through The Wrangler Filter of Suctioning the Fun out of Everything.

Well, as it happens, Norm is too busy today to turn off my publishing abilities.  AND he emailed me some pictures from his trip. AND I don’t have to get his approval before I post them. And I love this.

Here’s Norm’s vacation photos.  With captions by Rex. Because all Norm did was clog my email with a bunch of enormous pictures and tell me he’d catch up with me later.  I guess it is up to me to fill in the blanks.

Only a dinosaur wrangler and maybe “Dr.” Matt Lamanna would use their vacation time to see MORE dinosaurs, but that’s exactly what Norm did with his vacation.

That’s his summer wrangler hat, in case you’re wondering.

What’s happening in that picture is Norm is thinking, “I miss Rex so much.  I wonder what that fearsome and far superior being is doing right now.”

NOT stealing the Stanley Cup, that’s for sure, Norm. No, sir, I would never do such a thing.

Moving on:

Ever see those pictures of people who position themselves just so and then pretend like they’re holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa?  Here’s Norm’s dinosaur version where he holds up the neck of what looks to be a dinosaur with a serious disease that turned her skin greenish blue.  Look, she’s totally about to puke on that car.  I hope that’s Norm’s car.

Ha. Ha. Norm. So funny. Look at you holding up the giant dinosaur neck with your head.

In that picture, Norm is thinking, “Rex is really the best dinosaur ever and I can only hope to one day be as magnanimous, awesome, perfect, popular and brilliant as he. When I get back home to Pittsburgh I am totally taking him to the farm for a snack.”

And finally, we have this picture:

Apparently, as he often does, Norm has done something to tick off this puking puke-green dinosaur, because that’s a “you’re going to die now” look if I’ve ever seen one.

Instead of running for his life like he should, Norm is thinking, “Rex is just the best. It is far time I realized that I will never be as adored or magnificent as he. In fact, I miss him so much, I will never tranq him again. No matter what he does. Not even when he steals the Stanley Cup.”

Er. I mean IF.  “IF he steals the Stanley Cup.”

Wink.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

im in ur bordz …

funny pictures

Today is all about hockey.  I can’t stop thinking about hockey to the point that Sally can’t stand to be around me anymore because I’m like, “And then I ran into Matt Lamanna and hockey I chased him hockey for about three hockey blocks before hockey he started crying hockey hockey hockey.”

I can’t argue with her that I’m being obsessive.

There are so many things being said today by Penguins fans as we pump ourselves up.  Things like:

Psst. Councilman Peduto? THEY’RE going to take THEIR stuff over THERE.  Okay? Okay.

And so many pictures being emailed around as we attempt to express visually that which we feel way deep down but can’t find words adequate enough.  Things like:

Those pictures were actually created by AIP staff member Sunil Ketty

But despite what we say and despite what we create, it all … always … comes down to math.

Mojo > No Mojo

Iceburgh > Stinky dead eight-legged cephalopod

Everything on Earth > Marian Hossa

Me > Everything on Earth

Penguins > Red Wings

Rawr.


Rex

Dinosaur, tranq thyself.

Okay, so listen. Norm is off today and he has left me with specific anti-destruction instructions that go something like this: “Don’t destroy anything in my absence or we will melt you down.”

Problem, SOMEONE STOLE MY FRICKIN’ OCTOPUS WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!

Are you kidding me?

This explains why the Pens lost and lost so miserably. Someone took the octopus and gave the Red Wings their mojo back.

Here are the people I’m currently stalking, believing they may have taken it:

1. “Dr.” Matt Lamanna. This might be wishful thinking on my part so that I finally have a legitimate excuse to give him the stretchy treatment. That’s when I grab your legs in one hand, your arms in the other and, well, you get the picture.

2. Whoever took my running shoes.

3. Scott Mervis. I will destroy him.

4. Barney. He just LOOKS like he would support a team that had a purple mascot. This also might be wishful thinking on my part so that I finally have a legitimate excuse to [redacted by Norm's boss].

5.  Marian Hossa. I WILL DESTROY HIM!

So, I’m going to be out and about for the remainder of the day trying to get to the bottom of this.

I need three volunteers:

  • One to find me a new octopus, dead or alive.
  • One to stand outside the Post-Gazette building and let me know if Scott Mervis shows the whites of his eyes.
  • One to tranq me when it finally really truly hits me that SOMEONE STOLE MY FRICKIN’ OCTOPUS.

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


Rex

And it was so.

… and it came to pass that Rex was very prophetic.

What did I tell you? You eat their terrified octopi, you take away their mojo.

One down. Three to go.

Also, suction cups are delicious and very sucky.  In a good way.

My willingness to eat one for the team, so to speak, has gained me some new lady admirers on twitter:

My responses are, from top to bottom:

  1. I love you, too. (Don’t tell Sally!)
  2. No. (Don’t tell Sally!)
  3. LIAR!

I would sooner kiss that [redacted by Norm] “Dr.” Matt Lamanna before I would ever reject a kiss from a babe. She must have me confused with another handsome dinosaur.

And then there’s this.

Yeah, you go poop out a penguin and then come back and tell me if “funny” is really the appropriate word to describe the experience.

Rawr.


Rex

Rexy = Not Okay!

You’ll remember that I talked to you about the Will Farrell movie coming out called Land of the Lost and we also discussed how magnificent the monstrous killer death lizard appears to be in the trailer.

There’s another current movie with a dinosaur and that movie is called a Night at the Museum: Battle at the Smithsonian.

I saw this post from Pittsburgh’s very own Annoyed Angel and I learned some things.

1.  The dinosaur in the movie is named … wait for it … Rexy.

That’s one letter away from Rex, but also one letter away from Roxy, three letters away from icky and approximately 15 letters away from ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

2. If you go to McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal with your human kids, they will get their very own Rexy to play with.

You’ll notice that according to McDonald’s, a T-Rex’s feet are equal to the length of his body.

Clearly they hired “Dr.” Matt Lamanna as their scientific adviser when they designed Rexy.

3. Rexy comes with a trading card that informs us that Rexy is like a puppy dog that likes to wag his tail and play fetch.

The only thing a REAL monstrous killer death lizard likes to fetch is dead meat and the last time I wagged my tail I knocked down 40 vendor carts at the Three Rivers Arts Festival. I couldn’t help it. My tail gets waggy when I smell gyros.

4.  The pièce de résistance (translated to English that’s “piece of resistance”)  though is the video of Rexy walking.

You must watch it so that you too can experience the stumbling, bumbling, drunken gait.

In other words, exactly how I walk those first moments after Norm tranqs me.

As for Annoyed Angel, she asks what I would like her to do with Rexy.

I did Rock, Bamm-Bamm, Pebbles, spear, axe! with Norm to decide, and I won.

I hope you have an axe.

Rawr.


Rex

Putting some junk in my trunk.

Norm sent me an email asking me to give him some junk.

I’m not even joking.  See.

WE NEED YOUR JUNK! PLEASE SHARE WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS and PEOPLE WHO MIGHT WANT TO DONATE ITEMS FOR OUR SALE!

The all-caps makes me think that he URGENTLY needs my junk.  He tells me it is for the upcoming AIP Rummage Sale on June 3, which helps provide scholarships for the students — my kids.

Boy, 65-million-years of life brings a whole lot of junk.

I’m donating the following, so if you wish to buy them, and I know you will, you should get there bright and early for the sale to wrestle with the other Rex-lovers trying to get their hands on my things:

1.  One very damaged pair of giant pink bunny ears.

2.  One very damaged set of giant bagpipes.

3.  A very expensive watch monogrammed with ML.  I have no idea where I got it or who ML is, but I bet there’s a really ticked off paleontologist tearing through his stuff right now. But I don’t know anything about that.

4.  Some old audiotape marked “W-Gate”.  No clue.

5.  Carmen Sandiego’s hat. That’s right. Who found her? This dino.

Anyway, get out your junk, throw it in your trunk, and head over to the 1st Avenue loading dock in the rear of the AIP building – read the poster for complete details. Say hello to your good friend Rex when you stop by, however, be warned that if your junk includes a dinosaur-sized pair of running shoes … it is so on.

Rawr.

rummagesale09

Click for larger image.

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Rex

This coconut is very meaty! And is screaming.

Oh, this is rich.

There is a museum in Kentucky called The Creation Museum that believes and teaches that all dinosaurs were originally friendly plant eating creatures.

When a curious museum visitor asks, why exactly T. rex had six-inch long serrated teeth, the guides go on to explain that T. rex used his big teeth to open coconuts.

Oh, I have to.  Can I just this once? Thanks.

ROTFL!

Sure kids, these giant teeth of mine were originally given to me so that I could open coconuts.

And by coconuts I mean anything with two legs, meat covered bones and a beating heart.

Suddenly, “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is like the smartest dinosaur guy in the universe.

Rawr.