Presented by The Art Institute of Pittsburgh

Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Apologies for my stink

It has been very muggy and humid here in Pittsburgh as of late and I don’t know if you know this, but what humidity does to curly hair (Sally is SUCH a whiner about that), has got nothing on what humidity does to dinosaur skin.

Humidity + sweat + dinosaur skin + random drops of carcass blood * 50,000 = P.U.

I decided to do Norm a favor and go take my semi-annual bath a few weeks early when I encountered THIS:

What have they done to my spa bathtub at the Point?! It is completely dry!

This needs to be fixed immediately because believe you me, I can live with the smell, but as for you humans, I apologize for the scent of putridity and rotting flesh that is currently permeating downtown Pittsburgh.

On the bright side, now you know what Alex Ovechkin smells like.

Rawr.


Rex

Kiss me, I’m awesome and I have perfectly useful arms.

This Saturday is the Pittsburgh St. Patrick’s Day parade, and as it is for all downtown parades, I’ll have the best spot on the sidewalk to watch the action as the parade rolls right in front of me.  And this year I borrowed a camera from the Photography Department so that I can take pictures of the action.

Let’s discuss the rules again, in case you’ve forgotten:

1.  Do not sit on me.

2.  Do not climb on my back.

3.  Do not climb on my head.

4.  Do not touch my tail.

5.  Do not put anything in my mouth except carcass.

6.  Do not bring food within 30 feet of me if you don’t plan to share it with me.

7.  Do not stand in between me and any of the horses taking part in the parade.

8.  Do ignore all of these rules if you are a cute babe.

As you know, the Art Institute of Pittsburgh is partnering up with WearPittsburgh to provide three shirts you might want to wear at the parade.

Norm asked me which I wanted to wear and this is what happened:

Norm: Whaddaya think?

Me: Do you really need to ask?  A shirt that instructs cutie pies to smooch me or two shirts that don’t?  Do the math.

Norm: Math?

Me: Dinosaur plus handsome times a billion plus instructional shirt minus Sally equals lots of smooches for Rex.

Norm: That’s a hell of an equation.  I see you borrowed a camera from Photography.

Me: I’m going to take some unbelievable pictures of the parade.  You might want to clear a date at the art gallery for a showing of my photographs.  I’ll sell them for $40,000 each, easily.

Norm: Have you taken a picture with a camera ever in your life?

Me: Hmm, can’t say that I have.

Norm: I see. Why don’t you go ahead and practice on me?  Go ahead. Pick up that camera and hold it up in front of your face and click the button.  Go on.  You got it in your hands?  Got it?  Okay, now using your GIANT LONG arms, lift that camera up high enough in front of your face so you can see the view-finder.  Up. Up. This is up, that is not up.  Up. Higher. Higher.  Are you lifting, Rex?  That’s all the higher you can go?  To your throat? Do you see my point, Rex?  Don’t stomp on the camera, REX!

Dear Photography Department, about that camera you loaned me.  Yeah, I don’t know anything about that.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. The Pirates are unloading players like crazy these last few days.

I wonder if the Pirate Parrot is available for trade because if it is, I think you know what to do: trade a pack of gum for him, knock him unconscious with a tranq gun I’ll give you that I totally didn’t steal from Norm, and then after you’ve rendered him unconscious, bring me the giant bird. With some salt and pepper. And a giant toothpick.

Love you.

2.  The Steelers signed Heath Miller to a six-year deal, which was a smart move considering he is the one human on Earth I consider the closest to being a dinosaur. Or a machine. Or a robot. Or a robot dinosaur.

Let’s go with that.

3.  I think I’ll take Jake to the next AIP open house so he can meet some more humans. I take my mentor duties seriously and the lad clearly needs to practice his don’t eat the people skills.

Stop by and say hi to us if you come. We don’t bite.

LOL!

Get it? We totally bite. Hard.

But still, say hi!

4.  I have been foiled over and over again, mostly by Norm, in my attempts to steal that cuppy thing that lives at Mario’s house.  I’m bringing in reinforcements though, so watch out, Mario. Watch out.  It’s about to get all ninja up in here.

5.  A thought: There needs to be a movie about a ninja dinosaur and I need to star in it.

I’m glad you agree with me.

6.  Smithsonian.com has a post up about the Five Worst Dinosaur Movies of All Time which led me to a movie so bad, so atrocious, so hilariously devoid of anything positive that it might actually make your day.

Let’s do MATH TIME WITH REX!  Making you mathier because I care.

Girl in a brown bikini + dinosaur puppet + director + script – talent – special effects budget – plot – more talent + ridiculousness*763,000 = HAHAHAHAH.  HAHAHAHAH!  HAHAHAHHA!

I can’t pick my favorite part of the trailer. Maybe when the girl leapfrogs to safety, or the giant fake alligator, or maybe when the big fake Graboid shows up.

There’s no telling!

Worst movie ever or WORST BEST movie ever or BEST WORST movie ever?

I can’t decide. But I do know this, Ninja Dinosaur will win an Oscar.

Rawr.


Rex

Doing … and not doing.

Things I am doing this weekend:

1. Seeing as today is New Student Orientation at AIP, I’ll be spending the start of this weekend teaching a whole batch of new students all of the ways they should avoid ticking off AIP’s monstrous killer death lizard. First lesson … DON’T STEAL MY STUFF!

2.  Going through my 672 vacation photos to pick the cream of the crop to show you. Prepare to be blown the heck away.  When Rex vacations, HE VACATIONS!

3.  Taking Jake to Sandcastle Water Park. This is going to be very interesting.  I’m imagining lots of running and terrified screaming. Can’t wait.

4.  Teaching Norm some math. He’s not very mathy. I think I’ll start with the most basic of equations.

Rex + <30 lbs of carcass per week = Norm + bruises + bleeding ouchies

This I am NOT doing this weekend. No sir. Not doing ‘em.

1. Dismantling and correctly rearranging the T-Rex versus T-Rex display at the Carnegie because “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is a dinosaur dummie.  Not doing that.

2.  Stealing the Stanley Cup. Definitely not doing that. No sir.

3.  Hunting down whoever submitted this as a design for a Woot! shirt and sic-ing angry chickens on her.

4.  Seeking a tech expert to help me disengage the web-cameras at the T-Rex versus T-Rex display. Don’t need that. Don’t email me at rex@normanhuelsman.com/creationrex if you know anyone that could do that for me. I won’t respond. No sir.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. No posting yesterday because I was busy with Jake, finalizing plans for the super secret caper we’re going to pull off that has nothing to do with a certain 35 lb. cup-like trophy currently residing somewhere in Sewickley. Nothing at all.

Heh.

2.  On twitter, I saw this from an adoring fan:

Well, you need only take a look at the movie poster and you’ll quickly see that this will be the greatest movie of this human generation and that it will win every single Oscar next year, even the foreign language film. It’s going to be that epic.

Woolly mammoth. Mmmm.  Plus, they come already equipped with after-meal toothpicks.

3. Are you jealous that Norm gets to hang out with a giant awesome dinosaur all the time? Do you wish you could get your own giant awesome dinosaur to wrangle and yell at and tranq?

Now, for the low low price of $48,000, you kind of can!

4.  Now, brace yourselves for some Math!

1 fearsome handsome dinosaur +

6 months +

20 hours of classes per week -

3 hours of necessary sleep per night +

1 time suctioning mentee

+ 35 tranqings

= VACATION!

I’m spending next week visiting my friends all around the world.

First stop, Scotland to visit my best friend Lester.  Here we are swimming in the lake the last time I was able to get out for a visit:

(source)

Ah, I can already hear the relaxing sounds of nature and the horrified screams of the people.

Someone be sure to check in on Norm for me from time to time, okay? I’m sure he’s going to miss having me around for target practice.

See you in a week!

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species: , , , ,
Rex

im in ur bordz …

funny pictures

Today is all about hockey.  I can’t stop thinking about hockey to the point that Sally can’t stand to be around me anymore because I’m like, “And then I ran into Matt Lamanna and hockey I chased him hockey for about three hockey blocks before hockey he started crying hockey hockey hockey.”

I can’t argue with her that I’m being obsessive.

There are so many things being said today by Penguins fans as we pump ourselves up.  Things like:

Psst. Councilman Peduto? THEY’RE going to take THEIR stuff over THERE.  Okay? Okay.

And so many pictures being emailed around as we attempt to express visually that which we feel way deep down but can’t find words adequate enough.  Things like:

Those pictures were actually created by AIP staff member Sunil Ketty

But despite what we say and despite what we create, it all … always … comes down to math.

Mojo > No Mojo

Iceburgh > Stinky dead eight-legged cephalopod

Everything on Earth > Marian Hossa

Me > Everything on Earth

Penguins > Red Wings

Rawr.


Rex

A Picture Story, with words, by Rex

You might be surprised to know that not only am I incredibly handsome and astoundingly mathy, I’m also quite the author.  Here’s a little story for you, perhaps one you’ll want to share with your kids before you tuck them in tonight.

Once upon a time there was a dinosaur, the handsomest most feared dinosaur in all of the land.

We’ll call him Rex.

In addition to being the eyes, ears, and sharp pointy teeth of the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Rex was also the Ruler of all the Nation of Steeler and the biggest Pittsburgh Penguins fan on the planet.  Literally the BIGGEST!

It came to pass that the evil, hated, and let’s be honest, quite ugly Red Wings came to town for the Stanley Cup finals after having won the first two games of the series — something that caused Rex to question his finely honed math abilities. But that’s another story.

The Red Wings had an unofficial mascot of sorts in that the fans would regularly toss an octopus onto the ice before or during a hockey game.

Yes, kiddies, an octopus. Is their mascot. Because they are dumb.

But that’s another story.

No, it’s not! It’s THIS story! They’re very very dumb.

Rex, being fearsome, decided to show the People of the Land of Octopi what’s what.

He went to his pageboy Norm and demanded that an octopus be brought to him or heads would be chomped off and spit into the Mon.

Luckily for Pageboy Norm, his friend Jim Lokay from KDKA-TV had an octopus. On his person. This raises questions, but that’s another story.

The octopus was terrified when it saw Rex, with eyes that pleaded please don’t eat me. I can’t help it if my people are stupid!

Rex ignored the pleas of the doomed octopus and gave it a nice squeeze to make sure it was squishy enough.

It was.

And Rex ate the CRAP out of that octopus, the Penguins won the next four games, Rex was regularly smooched by pretty girls and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

Rawr.


Rex

A sudden craving for suction cups.

I just don’t get it. My math is superb so I don’t understand why the Penguins are down two games when my math showed that we should be sweeping the Red Wings.

I must have gone wrong somewhere in my equation and I’ve placed a call to Sheldon for help.

Maybe it needs some Higgs Boson or some string theory or possibly Schrodinger’s Nom.

If the Red Wings win, placing the Stanley Cup into the quivering hands of Marian Hossa, we can all be sure that God has a terrible sense of humor.  Further proof can be found by looking at the Nigersaurus.  I was once friends with a Nigersaurus named Niles, but he kind of got tired of me pointing and laughing.

While the two losses have been very un-awesome, what has been awesome is my playoff beard.

Behold the before:

Behold the now:

We need to end this season before I’m tripping on my beard.

The Red Wings come to town tomorrow and suddenly, I’ve got a hankering for octopus.

Norm?

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities.

1.  What in the name of the lightning bolts of Zeus has gotten into Evgeni Malkin?

He is a man on a mission and that mission is to win the Stanley Cup and hopefully to give us more interviews like the one that he gave yesterday in which he basically said, “Mom. Love. Cook. Game. Goal. Dad. Shoot.”

Those were all the words I understood.  I tried to translate more but I don’t speak Hockey God.

And then there was Norm on twitter, as the game ended, once again showing off his death grip on the English language.

That’s poetry, Norm. Is that how you say “hat trick” in Hawaiian?

2.  How long do you think before Geno’s parents just start making out in the stands when he scores a goal?

3. I think I’ll watch the next home game at the big outdoor screen with the rest of the fans. Norm, I’m going to need you to get there early and block off a 15-foot by 15-foot space for me. Use velvet rope, please.  If anyone gives you a hard time, tag their shoulder with a Sharpie and I’ll maim them when I get there.

4.  Rexrolled you!

5.  Do not freak out, because I freaked out a little bit and broke some sidewalks (Sorry, Mayor Luke!  Send the bill to AIP to the attention of Paul Pezich).  Would you look at this computer mouse that transforms into a Monstrous Killer Death Lizard?

This is a very very okay product!

If he knows what’s good for him, Norm is getting me one of these for Christmas.  I’ll probably give him my usual gift … stress.

6.  A NOT Okay product?

A dinosaur pinata? NOT okay!

Hey, how about I shove some hard candies down your throat and then beat you with a pointy stick until you puke them back up?

7. Math time!  My new motto for this portion of the blog is “Math Time with Rex.  Making you mathier because you’re chromosomally inferior.”

I still love you, so help me help you.

2 regular weekend days +

1 holiday day -

1 dinosaur wrangler who is busy partying on Monday -

1 imminent threat of tranquing +

1 dinosaur with the knowledge of Matt Lamanna’s whereabouts =

No posting on Monday.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities.

1. Let’s go Pens!

Have you noticed I’m growing a playoff beard?

2.  I have a sense of humor and as proof, I tell you that this list of “9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex” gave me a chuckle (if you were downtown, maybe you felt it?), particularly reason #4.  Ignore reason #2, because it’s just not true. What is true? Carcass is delicious.

3.  Here’s a twitter update that gave me pause.

I don’t need to click on that link or speak the language to know that I’m being insulted.

fugle? sagt pip? wraaah?

Yeah? So’s your mother!

Zing.

4.  Math time! I understand Americans lag behind other countries in their math skills, so I consider it my duty to help you get mathier.

1 girlfriend named Sally +

1 ex-girlfriend named Gertie +

1 accidental meeting while Gertie is in town +

1 girlfriend unaware that ex-girlfriend existed +

1 flaring nostril * 2 +

1 underhanded insult lobbed by Gertie to Sally +

1 blatant insult lobbed by Sally to Gertie -

1 monstrous killer death lizard who knows better than to get in the way =

Dino-fight!

According to the Richter Scale, Sally won.

That’s my girl.

Rawr.