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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Rex Remembers

I don’t know about you, but I don’t recall breathing from the time the Flyers scored their goal until the time Max Talbot put one in the net during last night’s Penguins game.

That was meteoric fireball intense. I would know about meteoric fireball intensity.

You might be surprised to know that I played hockey as a young lad with the cavepeople’s children in a youth league called “We can’t figure out the wheel, but we made an ice hockey rink!”

What?

Anyways, you seem skeptical. Luckily for you my mother emailed me some photos.

First, here’s me with my team.

What’s happening is that blurry kid skating away from me is CaveMan Blor’s kid Blor (cavemen are giant stupidheads in case you can’t tell) and he had just said to me, “I can’t wait until you guys go extinct!”

To which I responded, “[redacted by Norm]!”

As you can see it takes about a dozen human kids to stop me from eating Blor’s kid Blor.

Here’s me in action doing Sidney Crosby type things 65 million years before Sidney Crosby’s existence.

See that human kid #55 in front of me all crouching with his knees buckled together. That was the first time I realized I could make humans lose control of their bodily functions. That was a good day.

I’ll see if I can find more pictures from my hockey playing days to share with you soon!

Also, I’m STILL not wearing any hockey gear and it’s making me look like a bad Penguins fan. Have you seen Norm lately? Was he feverishly sewing a giant Malkin jersey while openly weeping?

Good.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  Why am I not wearing any Penguins gear?  We are halfway through the first round of playoffs and I’m standing here COMPLETELY and UTTERLY NAKED!

If this were football season, I’d at least have a dead raven or a mangled cardinal or a begging bengal in my mouth by now.

2.  Norm won’t let me tweet on twitter, but he told me that Oprah recently joined twitter.

Oprah is on twitter?!

What could she possibly have to tweet about?

Oprah Made a gazillion dollars today.

Oprah Spent a billion dollars this afternoon.

Oprah Made a trillion bamillion eleventy google dollars this hour

Oprah Living my best life.

Oprah Spent a billion dollars

Oprah Living my best life with the rainbow of fruit flavors of my chi.

I mean, really.  Some people don’t need to be on twitter.

3.  Is Barney on twitter?

I don’t want to know.

4. One of AIP’s own was profiled in the Tribune Review.  He is Barron Whited, the director of counseling.  I bet he’s the guy Norm runs to when I make him cry.

5.  Ignoring the grossly minuscule size of the arms, here’s a really wonderful t-shirt you can get from Snorg.

Rawr doesn’t really mean “I love you.”  SOMETIMES it means “I love you” and sometimes it means “I’m going to eat you.”

It’s all in the inflection.

Also, that girl is cute.

Don’t tell Sally!!

6.  Chasing a wild turkey the other day, I ran 10 miles in three minutes.  This is stellar time, so I’ve decided to run in the Pittsburgh marathon.  Which means I REALLY need to find those shoes or the person that stole the shoes. In the meantime, I’m running barefoot.  Hopefully I won’t get injured because it would be just like Norm to take me to “Dr.” Matt Lamanna for treatment, and the next thing you know I’m a poorly assembled statue of rickety bones placed in his museum for the kids to look at.

Rawr! (guess which one I mean)


Rex

Okay/Not Okay

Today’s edition of Okay/Not Okay covers baking products.

Okay:

These are adorable little cookie cutters you can use for your child’s dinosaur-themed birthday party (as if there was any other kind).

NOT OKAY!

Norm sent me this link wondering if “Dr.” Matt Lamanna had anything to do with this product and I must say, I’m pretty sure Norm was laughing hysterically as he sent the email.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my life and that includes the time that the cavemen managed to saddle me and ride me like a horse.

Get your tranq gun powered up, Norm, because there’s about to be some destroying happening up in here.

RAWRRRRRR!


Rex

If it flies away and never comes back, it got tired of the nagging.

Here’s some dinosaur news:

Paleontologists have claimed that dinosaurs may have evolved wings to woo the opposite sex, a theory which puts an end to the decades-long debate on the evolution of flight by the ancestors of modern avians.

I don’t know who these erroneous paleontologists are, but I have a feeling that one of them has a name that starts with Matt and ends with Lamanna.

Let me tell you, every dinosaur I have ever known in my life that suddenly sprouted a pair of wings, did not gain or use those wings to “woo” (who even uses that word?!) the opposite sex.  No, every dinosaur I ever knew that sprouted wings and flew away did it to GET AWAY from the opposite sex!

You’ve never heard nagging until you’ve heard a female dinosaur nag.

“These eggs aren’t going to fertilize themselves!”

“The survival of our kind is resting on your shoulders!”

“Look at this place!  A dodo bird couldn’t live in this mess!”

“When is the last time you cleaned your teeth?  Your breath is horrid and you have a pterodactyl eyeball stuck in your teeth!  God.”

“I thought I told you to stop bringing the cave children home! For the last time, I don’t believe you that they followed you and also, we have enough pets!”

Fly away, little dino.  Fly away.

(Don’t tell Sally!)

Rawr.


Rex

A Rex Quiz

Who said it?

“This is ampiocoelias, this bruhathakayosaurus, puertasaurus, argentinosaurus, turiasaurus and this one is argyrosaurus.”

A.  Sally, showing me pictures of all of her former boyfriends. None of whom had a blog. Pbthh!

B.  “Dr.” Matt Lamanna, just making up crap, as usual. “Oooh, look, a Doofusaurus!”

C.  Norm, showing me dinosaurs that he can replace me with if I don’t behave myself more often. Pbthh!

D.  A five-year-old human kid from Czechoslovakia named Petr.

Of course the answer is D!

A five-year-old boy showed a formidable memory and pronunciation in a palentology test on Tuesday when he managed to distinguish 69 dinosaur species, to the astonishment of the examiners from an agency for national records registration.

If I could adopt a human child, this is the child I would adopt.

Also, I bet he would treat me better than Norm because I bet Petr would understand that sometimes, it’s okay for a dinosaur to crave zoo animals.

Rawr.


Rex

If I tweeted.

You know about twitter, right?

Twitter is awesome because you get sort of up- close and personal with famous people like John Mayer and Soleil Moon Frye. Punky Brewster in the house!

I don’t twitter because Norm is afraid of what I’d say. He gets to approve everything I write on here before it is posted, but on twitter I would be free to just go ahead and call Dorothy the Dinosaur a [redacted by Norm] with a [redacted by Norm] who always [redacted by Norm].

See? I bet Norm just took all the good stuff out again.

If we dinosaurs had had twitter when we were growing up we could have tweeted things like “the cave people just tried to make a square wheel. I’m not even kidding.” or “hey, how do you know if woolly mammoth meat has gone bad? It is okay to eat once it turns green?” or “do you guys see that giant ball of fire in the sky that’s heading this way?”

But if I did tweet on twitter, here’s what I would have twat (?):

CreationRex Lunchtime. Chasing some kids down Smithfield. They’re slow so I’m hopping on one foot to make the chase more interesting for me.

CreationRex Eating. But not the kids. They ducked into Macy’s and I get so tired of those pushy perfume salesgirls. NO I DON’T WANT TO SMELL LIKE A SUNSET!

CreationRex NOT putting whipped cream in Norm’s shoes.

CreationRex Uh oh. Sally found out about my blog. She’s not happy.

CreationRex Soleil Moon Frye is a cutie pie. Don’t tell Sally!

CreationRex Taking pictures with some tourists. They’re behaving and have promised me a treat. Hope it’s a bacon-wrapped velociraptor.

CreationRex Attention humans: An apple is NOT A TREAT!

CreationRex NOT crushing Dr. Matt Lamanna’s car like a hadrosaur pancake.

CreationRex Picking windshield glass shards out of my foot.

CreationRex Heard Norm is looking for me. Have you seen him? Does he look mad? Is there whipped cream oozing out of his shoes? I don’t know anything about that.

CreationRex Eating noms. And yes, by “noms” I mean “kittehs”. Yum.

CreationRex Calm down. I didn’t really eat a kitten. Today.

Rawr.


Rex

Colored pencils?!?! EEK!

Today is April Fools Day, so of course I’ve been spending this beautiful day doing two things, avoiding the RickRoll and chasing the art students down the Boulevard of the Allies every chance I can.  Not only do they scare easily, as I have mentioned previously, but you should see how hilarious it is when they start throwing art supplies at me in a desperate attempt to slow me down.  Oooooh, a fistful of colored pencils!  SCARY!

I usually stop chasing them once I smell the pee.

Kids.  So cute.

So, I saw this headline today:

“The way of the dinosaur”?  What does that mean?  That newspapers are going to become bigger?  That newspapers are going to start stomping bad guys?  That newspapers are going to get smarter and more fascinating?  That newspapers are going to start chasing art students down the block until they pee their pants?

I bet that headline was an April Fool’s joke.   Only explanation.

I’d love to write more today, but as you can see by this awesome photo I just took, I have spied a group of art students heading for the exit.  And they look slow.

Rawr.

P.S.  You’ve just been RexRolled.


Rex

Various Curiosities.

It’s Monday and cold here in Pittsburgh. So cold that we actually got some snow last night. And it’s Spring. And practically April.

Oh, you humans and your big global warming joke. Ha-ha. Funny.

1.  Pitt, it would appear, is NOT it.

Grrrawr.

2. Norm emailed me this link saying, “Check this guy out.”  So I checked out the site written by some male human named Cotter and found this:

I’d really like to be the guy who writes this blog. If anyone knows how to make that happen, please let me know [Creation Rex]

Mistah Cotter (har), I understand why you would want to be a dinosaur, but why in the world would AIP ask a mere human being to write their dinosaur’s blog?  You write your human blog and I’ll write my dinosaur blog and no one gets eaten or stomped, deal?

3.  Reader CopySix linked me to this story out of England:

This is the moment a group of students tried to abduct a giant model dinosaur from a museum as a drunken prank.

The young men had been out celebrating the end of their course when they walked past the life-size monster.

Deciding to relocate it in the middle of a roundabout as a joke, they set about lifting the 20ft long and 10ft tall plastic triceratops.

It took ten of them carry the giant model over an iron gate outside the Dinosaur Museum in Dorchester, Dorset.

But just as they carried it off above their heads into the night, they were stopped in their tracks by a policeman.

My God.  I have friends that are Triceratops and when they are mad, they aim low. How drunk does one need to be to not care about what a Triceratops’ horn can do to your posterior? Trust me. I’ve seen it. It is exactly as gruesome as you’re imagining a triceratops horn to the posterior to be.

Incidentally, I once tried to date a Triceratops (don’t tell Sally), but let me tell you. Horns. They get in the way.

Also:

The museum’s website says the models ‘beg to be touched by little hands – and that is encouraged.

I realize you have been alive less than my 65 million years, so I don’t mind educating you about this. Life Lesson by Rex: Encouraging kids to manhandle a dinosaur is poor parenting.

My final note. If you guys ever try to steal me, I will be picking Burgher meat from my teeth for weeks.

3.  Okay/Not Okay

Our category today is animated dinosaur toys.

This one is okay:

Not okay:

I don’t know what the heck kind of dinosaur that “Rex” is supposed to be, but I know that T-Rexes don’t have green leaves growing out of their spines. God. I bet “Dr.” Matt Lamanna designed this thing.

4.  Hee. What? Like you wouldn’t kill Barney if given the chance.

Rawr.


Rex

Okay/Not Okay

People I see on the street ask me questions every day.  “Rex, what’s it like to be a dinosaur?” or “Rex, do you have a girlfriend?” or “Rex, why are your arms so little?” (Which is the same as if they asked, “Rex, would you please kill me?”) or “Rex, why are you so awesome?”

Another question I get asked is, “Rex, how do you feel about products with dinosaurs on them?”

The short answer is, “Depends.”

1.  For instance, a T-Rex puppet for the kiddies.

This one is okay.

This one, NOT okay.

Guess why?  Go ahead.  Take a wild guess.  I’ll give you a hint:  location location location.

2.  T-shirts!

These are okay.

NOT okay:

3. Books!

Okay:

Not okay:

4.  Lunchboxes.

Okay.

Not Okay.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER OKAY!:

I’d tell you how I feel about Barney, but this is supposed to be a PG rated website, and I bet my handler will have a problem if I called Barney a [redacted by Norm the Dino Wrangler].

Rawr.


Rex

St. Patrick’s Day Parade Recap

It is on beautiful days like this that I find myself skipping happily down the Boulevard of the Allies, not caring at all about the giant claw-shaped potholes I’m leaving behind.

No worries.  Our mayor declared war on potholes last week, so I’m sure my tracks will be covered in no time.  Watch your undercarriages, in the meantime.

Let’s talk St. Patrick’s Day parade!

As mentioned, I had the best seat on the street.  Unfortunately my camera didn’t survive because I shattered it into a thousand pieces when I tried to take the first picture.  It is very frustrating, sometimes, being the strongest most awesome creature on Earth.

Luckily, good friends all over town took some snapshots so that I can show you what you missed:

1.  First, all of the wonderful smells coming from delicious snacks were absolutely distractingly mouthwatering.  Here are a few that really had my juices flowing:

Nick’s photostream

Michael Murphy’s photostream

I have never seen such a large frog in my life.  Juicy!  And look, a belt for convenient flossing!

Jenn and Jon’s Photostream

Now we’re talking!  Look at the size of that drumstick!  That’s got to be from a woolly mammoth for sure don’t you think?

Can I get that with french fries on top?

2.  There were several things about the parade that confused me.  Perhaps you humans can help a dinosaur out?

Jenn and Jon’s Photostream

First, is this really an official member of the parade?  If so, then am I understanding correctly that anyone that wishes to be part of a Pittsburgh parade can do so?  How very inclusive of you.  Second, as you can see, the dog’s name is Big Beyonce.  In and of itself?  Awesome.  Coupled with the owner’s “Hoodbillies” shirt, peekaboo bellybutton and caveman beard?  Magnificence.  I might laugh for days at this.  You humans know how to tickle a dino’s funny bone.

3.  This confused me too.

Jenn and Jon’s Photostream

What does a giant banana have to do with Ireland?  Really.  I’m asking.  Are your children entertained by watching a person prance in a banana suit?  Really.  I’m asking.  Educate me.

4.  The Pittsburgh St. Patrick’s Day Parade.  The only parade in the world where you can see both Jesus and a giant walking glass of beer.

mtsonic’s photostream

5.   This, I’m told, is Miss Blarney Bubbles.

Jenn and Jon again.

Words.  I have no words.  Just questions.  Lots of questions.

6.  Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a dinosaur looking down on all the little people and things?  Here you go.

Jenn and Jon’s Photostream

It’s just like that, but with more running away screaming in terror.

Because I’m very terrifying, you see.

7.  Speaking of terrifying, I’m going to share a little secret with you.  I’m terrified of clowns.  I probably feel about clowns the way you humans feel about roaches.  They’re creepy little things that should be crushed if they don’t scurry away fast enough.

Look at this one that was in the parade.

mtsonic’s photostream

He killed ELMO!

That’s just wrong.

So to recap:  parade = fun!, food = delicious!, clowns = scary!, and Elmo = dead.

Thanks to all of you wonderful friends for the great photos.  Next year?  Take more pictures of that handsome and charming and terrifying dinosaur Rex.  You know?  The one cowering in fear of the clowns?

Rawr.