Presented by The Art Institute of Pittsburgh

Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Fetch, Spike!

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While reading the morning news, I came across an article from the Chicago Sun Times discussing that paleontologists, those quacks, have discovered that there were giant crocodiles that once roamed Earth, walked like dogs, and supposedly ate dinosaurs.

I’ll give you a moment to laugh at that.

Done?

Okay.  Read:

“We have crocs that ate plants and galloped and ate dinosaurs and were flat as a board,” said Sereno, who unearthed the skeletons over the last several years in the Sahara.

The crocs include:

• BoarCroc (Kaprosuchus saharicus), a 20-foot meat-eater. It used its snout for ramming and three sets of dagger-shaped fangs for slicing dinosaurs it ate.

Hey, paleontologists?   I’m a T-Rex, a monstrous killer death lizard, the king of dinosaurs, the king of beasts, the king of Steeler Nation.  We dinosaurs kept BoarCrocs as pets.

And the only thing my BoarCroc Spike ever rammed his snout into was Blor’s kid Blor, because come on, that’s just funny to watch him run to his dad Blor while crying, “Agooma seechee woo!” which in Stupid B.C. translates roughly to “I am a giant whiny baby.”

Rawr.


Rex

CAR-NEEE-VAHL!

The Student Carnival was held recently here at AIP and I have to say this year may have been the best one yet.

Norm was kind enough to send me the pictures he took while I was busy enjoying the festivities with my worshipers the students.

Here I am preparing for the Twinkie-eating contest.

Do I really need to tell you that I won? Do I really need to tell you that I ate 544 Twinkies in 4 seconds and that I could have eaten about half a ton more if they hadn’t run out of Twinkies?  That’s just poor event planning, is what that is.   After dealing with the angry students and their false claims of “Rex, DINOSAURS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE TWINKIE-EATING CONTEST!” I headed over to this table because first, there was a babe running the sno-cone machine and second, look at that guy in the red CLEARLY gesturing to me to eat all the cotton candy in the machine.

That’s a “Have at it, Rex!” face if I ever saw one. So I did.  After I dealt with the angry students and their ridiculous whining of “REX, YOU ATE ALL THE COTTON CANDY, YOU GIANT GLUTTONOUS JERK!” I then headed over to the bull-riding arena.

As you can see, that bull looks delicious.

After dealing with the angry students and their pouting and crying of, “REX, THAT WAS A MECHANICAL BULL!  YOU ARE GOING TO BE POOPING PARTS FOR WEEKS!” I realized I may have gone a BIT too far, so I apologized to the students, and graciously offered to give them all dino-back rides around the place for only a dollar each.

It wasn’t until about the 35th student took their turn “riding” me around that I realized that 544 Twinkies, 200 servings of cotton candy, and a rusting mechanical bull are murder even on a giant monstrous killer death lizard’s stomach.

So I headed home a bit early to mess with Norm’s Apple stuff and to steal his socks.  All in all, a great day was had.

Also, pooping rusting mechanical parts? Not that bad.

Rawr.


Rex

A Picture Story, with words, by Rex

You might be surprised to know that not only am I incredibly handsome and astoundingly mathy, I’m also quite the author.  Here’s a little story for you, perhaps one you’ll want to share with your kids before you tuck them in tonight.

Once upon a time there was a dinosaur, the handsomest most feared dinosaur in all of the land.

We’ll call him Rex.

In addition to being the eyes, ears, and sharp pointy teeth of the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Rex was also the Ruler of all the Nation of Steeler and the biggest Pittsburgh Penguins fan on the planet.  Literally the BIGGEST!

It came to pass that the evil, hated, and let’s be honest, quite ugly Red Wings came to town for the Stanley Cup finals after having won the first two games of the series — something that caused Rex to question his finely honed math abilities. But that’s another story.

The Red Wings had an unofficial mascot of sorts in that the fans would regularly toss an octopus onto the ice before or during a hockey game.

Yes, kiddies, an octopus. Is their mascot. Because they are dumb.

But that’s another story.

No, it’s not! It’s THIS story! They’re very very dumb.

Rex, being fearsome, decided to show the People of the Land of Octopi what’s what.

He went to his pageboy Norm and demanded that an octopus be brought to him or heads would be chomped off and spit into the Mon.

Luckily for Pageboy Norm, his friend Jim Lokay from KDKA-TV had an octopus. On his person. This raises questions, but that’s another story.

The octopus was terrified when it saw Rex, with eyes that pleaded please don’t eat me. I can’t help it if my people are stupid!

Rex ignored the pleas of the doomed octopus and gave it a nice squeeze to make sure it was squishy enough.

It was.

And Rex ate the CRAP out of that octopus, the Penguins won the next four games, Rex was regularly smooched by pretty girls and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  It begins Saturday. Red Wings. Penguins. Rematch.

Let’s break it down with Math Time with Rex: Making you Mathier

1 2008 Red Wings team

+ 1 very despicable Marian Hossa

+ Bad Karma

- God

+ The Devil

<

1 2008 Penguins team

- 1 despicable Marian Hossa

+ 1 Bill Guerin

+ God

+ Good Karma

That’s right. This year, we’re the better team.

2.  I found another great picture of my hockey-playing days for you to enjoy.

I agree with you, orange really is a great color on me. Wow.

Note the blood stains on my teeth. It goes without saying that this was an exceptionally bad day for Blor’s kid Blor.

You’re going to high-stick a monstrous killer death lizard, you’re going to get up close and personal with the hangy thing in the back of my throat.

Yes, dinos have those, too.

You learned something today!

3.  This KIND of makes me feel bad about how much I hate the Red Wings:

God help me, but I kind of love Beth, too.

Don’t tell Sally!

She’s still mad about Gertie.

4.  When I first saw these cookies being sold at the Pretzel Shop in the South Side I thought to myself, Rex, clearly these people are huge fans of yours and so much so that they have baked cookies in your image.

But then I noticed the cookies were … purple.

And then I realized maybe these are … Barney cookies?

BARNEY COOKIES?! In PITTSBURGH?! WHERE I LIVE?!  WHERE I RULE?!?

I didn’t get a chance to “speak” to the owners because I blacked out.  I suspect Norm tranqed me, but I can’t be sure since when I came to he was nowhere to be found.

So listen, if you see Norm cowering somewhere in fear mumbling, “Just sit still. Stop shaking. He’ll never look here.” Don’t disturb him. Just tell me where he is and I’ll play hide and seek and eat with him.

He loves that game.

Rawr.

 


Rex

Fan-tastic art!

Norm told me I had mail and I assumed he meant e-mail, but in reality, I had mail. You know, MAIL MAIL. Postal service mail. Letter carrier mail. Pony express mail.

Mmmm, ponies. Wait. Where was I? Right, MAIL!

A fan of mine drew this little cartoon for me:

I have some things to say:

1. This is a true to life representation of the adulation and adoration I receive from the AIP students on a daily basis.

2.  In this cartoon “rawr” clearly means “I love you.”

3.  Please notice the [redacted]-eating grin on Wrangler Norm’s face as he aims his Tranq Gun of Doom at me. This is a true to life representation of Norm’s ridiculously jittery trigger finger. I can’t rip one tiny limb off of anything without him giddily gunning for me. One of these days I’m going to steal it, shoot him in the butt and when he comes to muttering about unicorns, YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

4.  Norm wishes he was that tall.

5.  It is a tough job being the bomb diggity, but my God, someone has got to do it.

Know who else is the bomb diggity? Whoever drew this for me.

Rawr.


Rex

Putting some junk in my trunk.

Norm sent me an email asking me to give him some junk.

I’m not even joking.  See.

WE NEED YOUR JUNK! PLEASE SHARE WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS and PEOPLE WHO MIGHT WANT TO DONATE ITEMS FOR OUR SALE!

The all-caps makes me think that he URGENTLY needs my junk.  He tells me it is for the upcoming AIP Rummage Sale on June 3, which helps provide scholarships for the students — my kids.

Boy, 65-million-years of life brings a whole lot of junk.

I’m donating the following, so if you wish to buy them, and I know you will, you should get there bright and early for the sale to wrestle with the other Rex-lovers trying to get their hands on my things:

1.  One very damaged pair of giant pink bunny ears.

2.  One very damaged set of giant bagpipes.

3.  A very expensive watch monogrammed with ML.  I have no idea where I got it or who ML is, but I bet there’s a really ticked off paleontologist tearing through his stuff right now. But I don’t know anything about that.

4.  Some old audiotape marked “W-Gate”.  No clue.

5.  Carmen Sandiego’s hat. That’s right. Who found her? This dino.

Anyway, get out your junk, throw it in your trunk, and head over to the 1st Avenue loading dock in the rear of the AIP building – read the poster for complete details. Say hello to your good friend Rex when you stop by, however, be warned that if your junk includes a dinosaur-sized pair of running shoes … it is so on.

Rawr.

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Rex

This coconut is very meaty! And is screaming.

Oh, this is rich.

There is a museum in Kentucky called The Creation Museum that believes and teaches that all dinosaurs were originally friendly plant eating creatures.

When a curious museum visitor asks, why exactly T. rex had six-inch long serrated teeth, the guides go on to explain that T. rex used his big teeth to open coconuts.

Oh, I have to.  Can I just this once? Thanks.

ROTFL!

Sure kids, these giant teeth of mine were originally given to me so that I could open coconuts.

And by coconuts I mean anything with two legs, meat covered bones and a beating heart.

Suddenly, “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is like the smartest dinosaur guy in the universe.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  Sorry that I didn’t post yesterday, but I was in mourning.

If this were twitter, that previous statement would have been hash-tagged with #STUPIDPENGUINS!

2.  Tonight, they win it in seven and they’ll do it with dominance. I’m saying 5-1.

Are you laughing at me?  We’ll see who’s laughing tonight when the next Evgeni Malkin interview goes something like, “Ah, yes, ah, love to mommy and daddy and we knowed good game and uh, we have the heart and the skating to uh, KICK THEIR STUPID BUTTS! WOO!”

Don’t let me down, Evgeni.

3.  So I was checking out AIP’s calendar and saw this was happening tonight:

05/13/2009

SPRINGTIME BOUNCE HOUSE

Springtime Bounce House and Rita’s Italian Ice from 5 to 9 p.m. in Shannon Hall

I have no idea what this is, but my goodness am I going! I can only assume they are going to have one of those giant inflatable bouncy things for us to jump in.  I hope I don’t pop this one like I destroyed the last one.  Stupid sharp pointy talons of death.

Or maybe they have a room with padded walls and a springy floor and we all get to bounce around like we’re in a mosh pit.  So many things this could be.   I’m going to find Norm and find out if I can bring Sally as my date and also to find out if they have enough Italian ice for a dinosaur.

4.  I have no clue as to what this man is doing to Barney, but please, by all means, continue.

5.  I’ve decided to take up painting during these warm summer months.  I’ll let you know how my first effort turns out as soon as Norm gets me that canvas and paints I asked for. This is an ART school, Norm. You’d think this kind of stuff would appear at the snap of a finger.

[snap]

[snap]

I’m waiting, Norm.

Also, if the Pens win tonight, try to stop yourself from just tweeting the whole alphabet at us. Use your words, Norm.

6. It is such a nice day out, I think I’ll go chase some students.

I’m kidding!

Watch your backs.

Rawr.


Rex

Asking for it with please and a cherry on top.

Yesterday, just before lunch time, I walked into the student lounge here at AIP looking for my running shoes.

Some [redacted by Norm] had Barney playing on the TV. I’m not making that up.

Barney.

Not “SUIT UP!” Barney.

I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family [gag] Barney.

The purple freak of joy.

The biggest, smelliest [redacted by Norm] of [redacted by Norm] that ever [redacted by Norm] who can [redacted by Norm] for all I care.

I’m beginning to think whoever stole my racing shoes is the same person that shoved the newspaper in my mouth and is the same person that tuned the TV to Barney. Someone is out to get me and I’m betting you a million dead pteryodactlys that his name starts with “Dr.” and ends with “Matt Lamanna.”

It’s on.

RAWR!


Rex

[ptewie!]

Good morning, children!

How are you today, my dear Art Institute of Pittsburgh students and downtown workers?

Are we having a good day?

Isn’t the weather lovely?

Are we excited for the marathon this weekend that I’ll be winning with an hour to spare even though I’ve been training without my shoes?

Now that the chitchat is out of the way, let’s make this easy and you guys tell me which one of you shoved the library’s copy of the Wall Street Journal in my mouth this morning while I was still sleeping.

Sometimes you humans have no respect for the incredible destruction I could rain down on your toothpick-like bones.

If you’re going to put something in my mouth while I’m sleeping can I recommend you place a meat of some sort? A scutellosaurus would be perfect. Or Matt Lamanna’s car. Or the unconscious body of whoever STOLE MY RUNNING SHOES!

Rawr.