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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Doing … and not doing.

Things I am doing this weekend:

1. Seeing as today is New Student Orientation at AIP, I’ll be spending the start of this weekend teaching a whole batch of new students all of the ways they should avoid ticking off AIP’s monstrous killer death lizard. First lesson … DON’T STEAL MY STUFF!

2.  Going through my 672 vacation photos to pick the cream of the crop to show you. Prepare to be blown the heck away.  When Rex vacations, HE VACATIONS!

3.  Taking Jake to Sandcastle Water Park. This is going to be very interesting.  I’m imagining lots of running and terrified screaming. Can’t wait.

4.  Teaching Norm some math. He’s not very mathy. I think I’ll start with the most basic of equations.

Rex + <30 lbs of carcass per week = Norm + bruises + bleeding ouchies

This I am NOT doing this weekend. No sir. Not doing ‘em.

1. Dismantling and correctly rearranging the T-Rex versus T-Rex display at the Carnegie because “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is a dinosaur dummie.  Not doing that.

2.  Stealing the Stanley Cup. Definitely not doing that. No sir.

3.  Hunting down whoever submitted this as a design for a Woot! shirt and sic-ing angry chickens on her.

4.  Seeking a tech expert to help me disengage the web-cameras at the T-Rex versus T-Rex display. Don’t need that. Don’t email me at rex@normanhuelsman.com/creationrex if you know anyone that could do that for me. I won’t respond. No sir.

Rawr.


Rex

It all makes sense.

You know, I was surprised when Norm encouraged me to take a vacation and I was suspicious when he was overly aggressive in encouraging me to be sure to take that vacation during the first week of July.

I am back from my trek around the world to visit my friends (pics soon) and have returned to discover that I missed Anthrocon 2009 in Pittsburgh.

What’s Anthrocon?  This:

(source)

You might see people in fursuits.

You know what I see?  SNACKS!  Walking, talking, and for the most part, slow-moving snacks!

And look!

A snack pack!  I MISSED A SNACK PACK!

Not. Happy.

Rawr!


Rex

Smoooooth.

Can I just tell you how good it felt to shave my playoff beard once I tracked down a machete sharp enough to cut through the thick macho mass?

Here I am looking clean-shaven and as you can see, very very smart.

funny pictures
Graduation is set for Friday and the keynote speaker is Mayor Fetterman from Braddock.  He’s going to give me a shout-out in his speech.  I just know it, because I’m getting my 477th college degree and I’ve already got the silly hat to prove it.

One of those 477 degrees was a Bachelor of Arts in Stupid B.C.  Yes, I once learned the language of the cave people, but I’ve lost most of it now.  All I can say in Stupid B.C. these days is “meeka shoooka poobin reeree kaka foo” which roughly translates to “I eat you now, stupidface.”

Rawr.


Rex

Parade! Again!

Like all Pittsburghers, there are three things I can’t get enough of: ponies, fireworks, and parades.

Good thing we’re the City of Champions (and the Pirates. Oh, yes, I went there.) so we have lots of chances for ticker tape victory parades.

For the most part, the humans stayed off of me during the parade, until these two yahoos (technical term) hopped up for photos.

That is a photo from the Post-Gazette. (Excuse me while I look down at their building and hiss in the general direction of that [redacted by Rex] Scott Mervis. Hissss.)

First, the blond holding my hand? Total babe. Don’t tell Sally!

Second, the yahoos, they’re totally standing on me. It’s okay. Here’s the after picture:

Don’t mess with Rex, or you get the flung rubber band treatment.

Also, you’ll note I flung them through the air at such a speed they lost their clothes somewhere in midair.  I can’t even tell you how awesome that is.

Rawr.


Rex

Winner winner pony dinner!

Norm is on vacation this week and that means several things:

1. Free publishing rights for me, which means no stupid redacting when I want to call Marian Hossa a [redacted by Rex]. (I promised Norm I would behave. So I’m behaving and redacting myself. This is maturity, Norm!)

2.  No threat of being tranqed when I pick up anyone that dares climb up on me during today’s parade and I fling them into the Mon like a screaming rubber band. “Look at him fly!”

PENGUINS! Can we please recap?

Four games in which I had an octopus in my jaws = 4 wins

Three games in which I had NO octopus in my jaws = 3 losses

Clearly, I should be allowed a sip or two directly from the Stanley Cup. Or at the very least be allowed to walk in the parade to bask in the adoration of the entire city.

Hmph. Wonder what it will take for me to get my hands on the Cup? Just for a day or two.

I watched Game 7 with Norm and he only had to tranq me twice and I only had to tranq him once … right after the Red Wings scored and he went ballistic. But don’t worry, he came to in enough time to give me a good talking to right before Marc Andre Fleury made the save of his life as the last second ticked off the clock.

That earthquake you may have felt if you were anywhere near downtown was me picking up Norm like a baby doll and jumping up and down and up and down while roaring at the top of my roar.

The parade is going to be insane today.  If you’re downtown, stop by and say hi to your good friend Rex, without whom the parade would never have even been possible.

Also, if the Stanley Cup should mysteriously disappear at any point during the parade route and reappear in my hands, well, as usual, as always, I don’t know anything about that.

Rawr.


Rex

Dinosaur, tranq thyself.

Okay, so listen. Norm is off today and he has left me with specific anti-destruction instructions that go something like this: “Don’t destroy anything in my absence or we will melt you down.”

Problem, SOMEONE STOLE MY FRICKIN’ OCTOPUS WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!

Are you kidding me?

This explains why the Pens lost and lost so miserably. Someone took the octopus and gave the Red Wings their mojo back.

Here are the people I’m currently stalking, believing they may have taken it:

1. “Dr.” Matt Lamanna. This might be wishful thinking on my part so that I finally have a legitimate excuse to give him the stretchy treatment. That’s when I grab your legs in one hand, your arms in the other and, well, you get the picture.

2. Whoever took my running shoes.

3. Scott Mervis. I will destroy him.

4. Barney. He just LOOKS like he would support a team that had a purple mascot. This also might be wishful thinking on my part so that I finally have a legitimate excuse to [redacted by Norm's boss].

5.  Marian Hossa. I WILL DESTROY HIM!

So, I’m going to be out and about for the remainder of the day trying to get to the bottom of this.

I need three volunteers:

  • One to find me a new octopus, dead or alive.
  • One to stand outside the Post-Gazette building and let me know if Scott Mervis shows the whites of his eyes.
  • One to tranq me when it finally really truly hits me that SOMEONE STOLE MY FRICKIN’ OCTOPUS.

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


Rex

Wrangler, tranq thyself.

First, we are going to walk Norm through some deep breathing exercises so he doesn’t lose control and force me to tranq him.

That’s right, I am holding the tranq gun and Norm is the one about to stomp things.

[in]

[out]

Okay, we’re ready. Wait, no he’s not. He’s growling. Let’s start over.

[in]

[grrrrrrr]

NORM! Control yourself.  I have a lot of juice loaded into this gun.

[out]

[in]

[out]

Okay, so Norm is a little perturbed. (At his behest, I’m currently holding a tranq gun to Norm, so you clearly understand that “perturbed” is putting it mildly, right?)

The Three Rivers Arts Festival comes to town this weekend and featured is a group called the Black Keys. They are a duo and one of the humans, a guy named Patrick, said some not very nice things about AIP.

I’m going to whisper it for you, so Norm doesn’t hear it again. 

He referred to it as “pseudo” because he couldn’t understand why he was getting such great grades. And he also said –

Okay, that’s all I got.  Norm just destroyed the newspaper. I’ve never seen him like this. But on the bright side, I’m HOLDING THE TRANQ GUN! I’ve never felt such a rush of power. Now I understand why Norm gets that little mwah-hahaha going right before he shoots me.

Listen, me being a fantastic, fearful, fearsome, formidable, and all around butt-chomping awesome dinosaur, you don’t believe for one portion of one iota of one percentage of one millisecond that I would ever be associated with a school if it wasn’t top notch and something to be more than proud of, do you?

This Patrick guy, he’s very confused.

Now, as for the Post-Gazette reporter, Mr. Scott Mervis, I’m a little angry at him for including that portion of the interview in the article in the first place. It accomplished nothing but making Patrick look dumb, making AIP have to defend its stellar reputation, and making me get a map and realize that the Post-Gazette building is just right down the block. I mean, I’m looking down the Boulevard and look right there.  It’s just right there.

Norm seems to be calming down a bit now. He’s doing his deep breathing while burning the newspaper in the trash can.

Hey, I wonder what this button on the tranq gun does if you —

Oh, I am in so much trouble.

Sleep well, Norm.

Hey, you guys, if you see Scott Mervis exit the P-G building, look left, look right, open his eyes in stark terror, scream “Oh, My God! A DINOSAUR!” and then take off sprinting toward the Point with a handsome, fearsome T-Rex hot on his heels waving a stolen tranq gun.  Well, I don’t know anything about that.

Rawr.


Rex

A Picture Story, with words, by Rex

You might be surprised to know that not only am I incredibly handsome and astoundingly mathy, I’m also quite the author.  Here’s a little story for you, perhaps one you’ll want to share with your kids before you tuck them in tonight.

Once upon a time there was a dinosaur, the handsomest most feared dinosaur in all of the land.

We’ll call him Rex.

In addition to being the eyes, ears, and sharp pointy teeth of the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Rex was also the Ruler of all the Nation of Steeler and the biggest Pittsburgh Penguins fan on the planet.  Literally the BIGGEST!

It came to pass that the evil, hated, and let’s be honest, quite ugly Red Wings came to town for the Stanley Cup finals after having won the first two games of the series — something that caused Rex to question his finely honed math abilities. But that’s another story.

The Red Wings had an unofficial mascot of sorts in that the fans would regularly toss an octopus onto the ice before or during a hockey game.

Yes, kiddies, an octopus. Is their mascot. Because they are dumb.

But that’s another story.

No, it’s not! It’s THIS story! They’re very very dumb.

Rex, being fearsome, decided to show the People of the Land of Octopi what’s what.

He went to his pageboy Norm and demanded that an octopus be brought to him or heads would be chomped off and spit into the Mon.

Luckily for Pageboy Norm, his friend Jim Lokay from KDKA-TV had an octopus. On his person. This raises questions, but that’s another story.

The octopus was terrified when it saw Rex, with eyes that pleaded please don’t eat me. I can’t help it if my people are stupid!

Rex ignored the pleas of the doomed octopus and gave it a nice squeeze to make sure it was squishy enough.

It was.

And Rex ate the CRAP out of that octopus, the Penguins won the next four games, Rex was regularly smooched by pretty girls and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

Rawr.


Rex

A sudden craving for suction cups.

I just don’t get it. My math is superb so I don’t understand why the Penguins are down two games when my math showed that we should be sweeping the Red Wings.

I must have gone wrong somewhere in my equation and I’ve placed a call to Sheldon for help.

Maybe it needs some Higgs Boson or some string theory or possibly Schrodinger’s Nom.

If the Red Wings win, placing the Stanley Cup into the quivering hands of Marian Hossa, we can all be sure that God has a terrible sense of humor.  Further proof can be found by looking at the Nigersaurus.  I was once friends with a Nigersaurus named Niles, but he kind of got tired of me pointing and laughing.

While the two losses have been very un-awesome, what has been awesome is my playoff beard.

Behold the before:

Behold the now:

We need to end this season before I’m tripping on my beard.

The Red Wings come to town tomorrow and suddenly, I’ve got a hankering for octopus.

Norm?

Rawr.


Rex

Rexy = Not Okay!

You’ll remember that I talked to you about the Will Farrell movie coming out called Land of the Lost and we also discussed how magnificent the monstrous killer death lizard appears to be in the trailer.

There’s another current movie with a dinosaur and that movie is called a Night at the Museum: Battle at the Smithsonian.

I saw this post from Pittsburgh’s very own Annoyed Angel and I learned some things.

1.  The dinosaur in the movie is named … wait for it … Rexy.

That’s one letter away from Rex, but also one letter away from Roxy, three letters away from icky and approximately 15 letters away from ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

2. If you go to McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal with your human kids, they will get their very own Rexy to play with.

You’ll notice that according to McDonald’s, a T-Rex’s feet are equal to the length of his body.

Clearly they hired “Dr.” Matt Lamanna as their scientific adviser when they designed Rexy.

3. Rexy comes with a trading card that informs us that Rexy is like a puppy dog that likes to wag his tail and play fetch.

The only thing a REAL monstrous killer death lizard likes to fetch is dead meat and the last time I wagged my tail I knocked down 40 vendor carts at the Three Rivers Arts Festival. I couldn’t help it. My tail gets waggy when I smell gyros.

4.  The pièce de résistance (translated to English that’s “piece of resistance”)  though is the video of Rexy walking.

You must watch it so that you too can experience the stumbling, bumbling, drunken gait.

In other words, exactly how I walk those first moments after Norm tranqs me.

As for Annoyed Angel, she asks what I would like her to do with Rexy.

I did Rock, Bamm-Bamm, Pebbles, spear, axe! with Norm to decide, and I won.

I hope you have an axe.

Rawr.