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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Let’s be terrifying!

Having lived on this Earth for over 65 million years I have seen a lot of Halloweens and that means I have seen Halloween gradually transform from a holiday full of scary costumes, into a holiday that merely encourages young human women to dress as provocatively as possible as anything from a sexy maid to a sexy honey bee.  I’m not even making that up. Who is the genius that first looked at a honey bee and said, “Wow. Hot!” Or, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.

It’s stupid.  Halloween is for scaring people so I say we get back to that. Forget the silly sexy police costume or the sexy cow costume (I have no idea if that even exists, but I bet you $87 million it does), and let’s get back to being terrifying.

And what’s more terrifying than a dinosaur? Nothing.

Except these horrible costumes. Don’t wear ANY of these:

1. Adult Barney, because you look dumb and because I’ll probably flay you if I see you in it.  I can’t control my killer instinct when I see that stupid green belly.

2. Don’t wear this one because it apparently will make you dance like the last drunk, single guy on the dance floor of a winding-down wedding reception.

No one needs to see that.

3.  Don’t wear this one unless you want to look like a Jackal dressed as a dinosaur heading to a Furry convention.

That should be illegal.

4.  Don’t wear these ones because we’ve already talked about how we dinosaurs don’t believe in being saddled up by humans unless we have an express written agreement that we’re allowed to eat the human at the end of the ride.

Although I gotta say, riding a Pterodactyl sounds like an awesome good time.

5.  Finally, whatever you do, DON’T WEAR THIS ONE!  Because as you can see, Norm plans to wear it:

If that isn’t just the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

Well, I’m going to go work on my costume for a bit and I’m going to do it being thankful that there is no such thing as a sexy dinosaur costume.

Oh, crap.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species: ,
Rex

Concept art by Rex.

I’m so excited for Halloween this year, so I’ve put my incredible art skills to work at some concept art for possible Halloween costumes. As of this writing, AIP has insisted that I can not be Dead Barney for Halloween so I’ve come up with these other possibilities.

First, I was thinking of being Buzz Lightyear and making Norm go as Sheriff Woody, since he’s already got the hat and the gun and the trigger finger and the whiny voice:

You’ll notice Jake has zoomed off in a space ship to fight evil Emperor Zurg and his galactic forces. Godspeed, Jake. Bring me back Little Bo Peep’s sheep. In a handy carry-out container with hot sauce, if at all possible.

My other idea was to dress as Indian chief Giant Scary Teeth, and have Norm be a lowly Indian servant forced to do my bidding.

Note I threw in some snacks in this picture, also known as buffaloes. This is fabulous, I like it a lot, and the first reader to comment ANYTHING about “Stegosaurus” will be [redacted by Norm].

Did Norm just redact that? No matter. Use your imagination. Then add pointy teeth.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

Various curiosities.

1. Jake and I are currently trying to figure out what to be for Halloween.  I’m torn between Dead Barney and Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Dead Barney is awesome because, well, it’s dead Barney.  But if I go as Sheldon, I get to wear awesomely cool nerdy shirts which of course means more babes. But if I go as Dead Barney, I will make Norm upset at the inappropriateness of the costume, and you know how much I love to make Norm angry.

Decisions, decisions.

2.  Jake said he wants to be a Cleveland Brown for Halloween.  He says his costume will consist of 12 footballs suspended from his waist with string. You know, for all those passes they drop.  I support this costume idea.

3.  Check it:

And the picture is this:

I approve of this shirt and if you buy it for your human child, I won’t have a problem with it at all.

If however you buy THIS shirt:

I will use these supposedly puny little arms to [redacted by Norm] you.

4.  An email from an adoring fan:

Hi Rex,

We were in Pittsburgh a couple of weeks ago for Podcamp Pittsburgh and had a great time. When we got back to Texas, we found one of your cousins. He said his name was Tia Juana Saurus Mex, he said he was a distant cousin, twice removed. He wanted us to send you a picture so here it is.

Cheers,

Rafael Marquez

Hmmm. I don’t recognize this dinosaur at all. And he’s awfully tiny for a dinosaur. And I don’t know why, but I have the strongest desire to beat him with a stick until he pukes candy.

Which is surprising because I’m not normally a violent dino.

What?

Rawr.


Rex

Things you don’t know anything about.

Could you imagine if I actually tried to list all of the things that I know about that you don’t know anything about?  There aren’t enough terabytes on the planet.

For now though, you first of all don’t know anything about any dinosaur trying to sneak into the Mellon Arena for the first Penguins home game of the season.  The very Mellon Arena I was banned for life from because I did a harmless little thing like steal the Stanley Cup for a few hours.

Here’s the picture than ran in the newspaper next to the headline “Dinosaur spotted lurking in secure area of Mellon Arena. AIP denies it is Rex.”

Good ole’ AIP. Deny deny deny.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get into the building to watch the game live because those sneaky humans locked the roof, making it ridiculously hard for me to pry it open to peek in.  No matter, I watched the game on the outside screen with my adoring fans who liked to jokingly shout, “You! Dinosaur! Either shrink 20 feet or move to the back! Idiot!”

It’s cute how they jokingly call me “idiot.”  Much in the same way that it’s cute when I respond with [redacted by Norm].

The second thing you don’t know anything about is this cigar that Leo and Leonis sent me from Cuba where they’re enjoying a little beach adventure.

Did I say Cuba?  They’re not in Cuba, Dollar Bank.  They’re somewhere where it is perfectly legal to purchase cigars from.  Um, Indiana.

That’s a place right?

Also, bets on how long I can actually smoke this cigar before Norm marches out here and puts it out with the fire hose?  I’ll put $40,000 on ten seconds.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Tengos any questionisimos?

It is a good thing I know so many languages, because for uno, it has helped me speak to the cute reporter babes descending on Pittsburgh from all over the Tierra.

And for dooce, it means I can be of service by offering to answer any questions any visitors might have about our fine city.

Check me out:

So far, I’ve answered questions such as, “Where is Primanti’s?” and “What is a Pittsburgh Left?” and “Didn’t I tell you you aren’t allowed to make the visitors pee their pants in fright?” and “Why are you so handsome and amazing?” and “Why did you flick my boyfriend into the river?”

I’ll let you guess which one of those came from Mayor Luke.

Rawr.


Rex

Stunning.

Here I am with my new G-20 background, which is the world map formed from various international ways to say “Welcome!”:

You might also notice that I’m wearing my best tie so that I can show the leaders of the world that I am a classy dinosaur. A dinosaur of taste.  A dinosaur who knows which fork to use.  A handsome dinosaur.  Pulchritudinous, if you will.  A dinosaur of many languages. Languageisimos, if you will.   A dinosaur Michelle Obama can feel comfortable inviting to State Dinners. A dinosaur that only on rare occasions misbehaves and steals major sporting event trophies. And I mean, VERY RARELY.

If you’re downtown for the G-20, stop by and say aloha to your bueno ami Rex.

Of course with all the security restrictions in place, you might have a hard time getting to me.  Too bad you’re not a giant dinosaur that can just walk across the riverbed like I can.

Also, Norm, yeah I found your car.  It’s drying off on the wharf.  YOU’RE POZHALOVAT!

Rawr.


Rex

Royalty.

As the King of Steeler Nation and the King of the Dinosaurs and the King of Awesome and the King of Pittsburgh, it is only fitting that I pay tribute to the King of Pop who is being buried today.

I would bust out a moonwalk, but the last time I did that I kinda crushed some cars that kinda had some people in them and who kinda sorta tried to sue AIP for 25 gabillionty dollars in damages.

Whoops.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species:
Rex

Smoooooth.

Can I just tell you how good it felt to shave my playoff beard once I tracked down a machete sharp enough to cut through the thick macho mass?

Here I am looking clean-shaven and as you can see, very very smart.

funny pictures
Graduation is set for Friday and the keynote speaker is Mayor Fetterman from Braddock.  He’s going to give me a shout-out in his speech.  I just know it, because I’m getting my 477th college degree and I’ve already got the silly hat to prove it.

One of those 477 degrees was a Bachelor of Arts in Stupid B.C.  Yes, I once learned the language of the cave people, but I’ve lost most of it now.  All I can say in Stupid B.C. these days is “meeka shoooka poobin reeree kaka foo” which roughly translates to “I eat you now, stupidface.”

Rawr.


Rex

A picture story, with words. By Rex. Part II.

… and it came to pass that some insane, deranged, death-wishing ninja stole the octopus from Rex’s jaws as he slept one night, thereby giving the hated, evil, and still hideously ugly Red Wings their mojo back, resulting in a devastating shut-out in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals.

The morning that Rex awoke to discover his octopus gone, he immediately destroyed three city blocks in anger.

As the dust settled, as the Mayor finished screaming at the AIP staff about “craters” and “fires” and “taxes” and “extinction” (whatever that means), Rex called Pageboy Norm to him and demanded not only the head of the person who stole the octopus, but also, if Norm had any designs on living another day, a new octopus.

In a burst of self-preservation, Pageboy Norm learned that Councilman Finnerty had a pet octopus that had been giving him the shifty-eyed “I will strangle you to death if you turn your back on me” look and generously offered it up to Rex in sacrifice to appease the angry Hockey Gods into the transfer of the Mojo.

This octopus was fatter, squishier, redder, and a whole lot more scared than the previous octopus.

Frightened and confused, the octopus reared its grotesque bulbous head in anger and stared into the eyes of the ferocious monster killer death lizard. The octopus bravely spat out, “Bite me, loser!”

Being a generous king, Rex obliged.

As he munched hungrily on the delicious octopus, savoring the suck of the moist suction cups, Rex addressed his people in a roaring voice.

“My people, hear my words and hear them well. Read my lips. Read the signals in the smoke shooting from my nostrils. If any of you dares to touch this octopus, this booby-trapped octopus, I might add, when I get my hands on you, you will beg for a speedier death than the octopus I just devoured. Step the heck off.”

And the Penguins went on to win Game 6 and Game 7 and Rex got lots of hot babes.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Dinosaur, tranq thyself.

Okay, so listen. Norm is off today and he has left me with specific anti-destruction instructions that go something like this: “Don’t destroy anything in my absence or we will melt you down.”

Problem, SOMEONE STOLE MY FRICKIN’ OCTOPUS WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!

Are you kidding me?

This explains why the Pens lost and lost so miserably. Someone took the octopus and gave the Red Wings their mojo back.

Here are the people I’m currently stalking, believing they may have taken it:

1. “Dr.” Matt Lamanna. This might be wishful thinking on my part so that I finally have a legitimate excuse to give him the stretchy treatment. That’s when I grab your legs in one hand, your arms in the other and, well, you get the picture.

2. Whoever took my running shoes.

3. Scott Mervis. I will destroy him.

4. Barney. He just LOOKS like he would support a team that had a purple mascot. This also might be wishful thinking on my part so that I finally have a legitimate excuse to [redacted by Norm's boss].

5.  Marian Hossa. I WILL DESTROY HIM!

So, I’m going to be out and about for the remainder of the day trying to get to the bottom of this.

I need three volunteers:

  • One to find me a new octopus, dead or alive.
  • One to stand outside the Post-Gazette building and let me know if Scott Mervis shows the whites of his eyes.
  • One to tranq me when it finally really truly hits me that SOMEONE STOLE MY FRICKIN’ OCTOPUS.

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!