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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Dodge this.

As promised, I attended my first dodgeball match last Thursday here at the school and I have to tell you, I’m pretty ridiculously awesome at dodgeball.  I mean, this game was MADE for me. They might as well change the name to Rex Ball or DinoKillBall.

I walked into the gym without a team, but that changed quickly because if you are a dodgeball team of art students and a giant monstrous killer death lizard walks into the room looking for a pick-up game, you ask that T-Rex to join your team and when he says that he was already asked to join a team, you bribe that T-Rex with fresh carcass to be delivered at a later date.

I’m easily swayed by carcass.

When it came time for the first match-up, our opponents took one look at me and I guess they realized they had two choices, weep in fear or taunt.

They chose taunt. Very ill-advised.

“Hey, Rex, you’re kind of a big target aren’t you?”

“Hey, Rex, eat my shorts!”

“Hey, Rex, can those little toothpicks you call arms even hold the ball, let alone throw it?!”

I took their taunting quietly while the balls were lined up on the center line and then as soon as the whistle blew, I ran forward, turned sideways, use my giant tail to sweep the entire opposing team backwards like I was sweeping up floor crumbs, and then I pinned them to the wall and held them there to squirm while my team pelted their faces with red rubber balls.

We won, of course.  I’m not sure what the final score was, but I’d estimate it was -5,000 to sixty billion.

Against the rules, you say?

Funny, the refs didn’t have any objections to my style of play once I showed them my teeth.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

Like big red rubber snowballs

I was roaming the halls of the school this week, totally not getting into any kind of trouble, and totally not stalking the culinary students to see if they were carrying any leftovers on their persons, when I noticed a poster advertising a student dodgeball match.

Dodgeball.  Otherwise known as “The Only Sport in Which the Humans Hand Me a Rubber Ball and Tell Me to Try to Decapitate People With It.”

It’s tonight at 5:00 p.m. and I’m so there.

I’ll let you know how it goes, how many heads roll, and how very loud and whiny the sissy humans are when they look in the mirror to find rubber ball indentations on their foreheads.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

They’re BAAAA-ACK!

I love Christmas and I always have, ever since that night that giant bright star appeared in the sky and we dinos thought it was an asteroid zooming toward Earth and boy, did we look silly trying to outrun it.

Christmas is wonderful.  Winter break, however, is not.

I hate it because it gets so quiet here when the students go home to their families.  No one to stop and chat with me, other than AIP staff, and I don’t need to tell you what a giant box of fun they are.

I’ve suffered through weeks of being bored and having no one to terrorize save for the occasional downtown accountant or lawyer, which, Norm, if you get a letter from Michaels, Michaels, Michaels, Michaels, and Smith LLC informing you of a lawsuit for personal injury, I don’t know anything about that, but ask them if LLC stands for Lame Losers who Cry.

Today, the students began arriving back at AIP to get ready for orientation tomorrow night and classes which begins on Monday, and boy, I have missed those little rascals and OH BOY, am I ready to greet them with love, affection, and spheres of icy death.

Remember kids, when you walk by me tomorrow and I pick the backpack off of your back with one well-aimed, 100 mph snowball, I did it with love.

I believe you humans have an expression, do you not? It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Rawr.


Rex

Rex Remembers Again.

Tonight is the Portraits of the Past Gala here at AIP and yours truly is not only going to be there, daintily snacking on pterodactyl munchies (which is what I assume they serve at “galas”), but I’m also sure to be featured in some of those historical AIP photos.

For instance, here I am a few decades ago checking out the students doing sketches of each other:

aiphistory1

You can’t really tell, but in that picture, I was sitting for a portrait being sketched by a total babe.  And I wasn’t wearing any clothes.

Don’t tell Sally.  It was ART.

Here I am sneaking up on AIP’s founder (left, holding the hat):

aiphistory3

If you think his screaming was funny, you should have seen him throw that hat at me in stark terror before he realized it was me.

That was a fun day and since it was before AIP invested in a stockroom of highly powered tranq guns, I basically got away with it.

But here’s something I didn’t get away with.  Admiring the lovely ladies while they worked so hard in class:

aiphistory2

All I did was breathe a little and it shook the windows, maybe exploded a few of them and then all this crazy screaming and throwing hats and pencils and purses at me.

Excuse me for breathing, ladies!  They did eventually forgive me when I agreed to be a sketch subject for one of their classes.

Again without my clothes.  It’s the story of my life.

In honor of this event celebrating our past, I decided to dress for the occasion and I dug up some of my oldest accessories:

rex-past-wide

I can see you’re rendered absolutely speechless by the sheer magnitude of my dapper-ness, but just wait until you see me in my tuxedo tonight.

Also, completely unrelated, do you happen to know the best way to get sheep blood out of a tuxedo?

Rawr.


Rex

B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was delicious-o!

Yesterday, a student with the AIP Student Development committee came up to me and said, “Rex, you are awesome and handsome and fearsome and I wish I was just like you.”

Again, I’m paraphrasing just a bit.

Then he said, “Why don’t you come down to the student lounge tonight for a little Bingo?  It’s going to be great fun.”

And I was like, “Bingo?!  You’re having Bingo for me? Bingo? Actual Bingo?”

And he looked confused and was like, “Yes. Bingo! For you, too.  Come and join us.”

And I looked very confused and said, “Wait. The humans like Bingo, too?!”

And he was like, “Yes! Who doesn’t like Bingo?! See you tonight.”

So last night I excitedly hurried to the student lounge to find all of the students gathered around tables, waiting for Bingo, I assume:

I was so excited about Bingo that I couldn’t wait another minute so I started flipping over tables in my hunt, roaring, “Where is BINGO?!”

And like all these stupid little plastic balls start flying all over the place, clattering all over the floor and the students in their haste to run at me and yell at me for no reason, began slipping, quite comically I might add, on the balls and well, just chaos.

After it was all over, I learned two valuable things last night:

1. Bingo is a game.

2. Bingo is not a farmer’s delicious dog.

Maybe next time the Student Development people should be a little more specific.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

PodCamp Pittsburgh 4

This weekend, AIP hosted PodCamp Pittsburgh 4 and when Norm told me about it for the first time a few weeks ago, I was like, “So, what, you guys gather around and talk about pods or camps or …?”

Then Norm told me it was a conference for bloggers, podcasters (no clue), and other such social media (no clue) type things, and I was like, “So, nerds, then?”

And then when I woke up from the completely unwarranted tranquing, I decided to check out this “PodCamp Pittsburgh 4″ for myself. I registered and everything.

The first thing that greeted me at PodCamp was some guy manning the registration table and his name was Chachi.  He really had a bad attitude with me, saying, “Yeah, if we knew you were a dinosaur, we wouldn’t have let you register. You’ll take up too much space, you’ll eat too much food, and besides, what does a dinosaur know about social media or blogging?”

I calmly explained to this Chachi person that 1. I have a blog and it’s the best blog in the world and 2. Joanie called and wants to know when he’s coming home for dinner.

Chachi eventually obliged and handed me my name tag, which, LOOK!

Do you see that? Rock. Star. It’s just a fact.

And do you also see they put my twitter name on there? My twitter account that Norm still won’t let me use for fear I’ll just post true facts about him like the fact that he always [redacted by Norm] before he [redacted by Norm] even if it [redacted by Norm].

After telling Chachi I would deal with his scrawny butt later, I headed up to the fourth floor to check out the sessions and the snacks and the cute nerd babes.  I learned so much! I learned how to find ways to post every single day (which I’m working on getting better at).  I learned how to be sure my online identity is a proper reflection of who I really am (and until Norm lets me show you how I can eat a flock of sheep, you’ll never really KNOW Creation Rex).  I learned not to tweet my poop (trust me, if I ever tweeted a picture of MY poop, I would break the Internet), and I learned about how to take better videos, during which, Chachi, who was in the session, whispered to me, “First, you’d need to get yourself some longer arms to hold the camera with.”

That guy.

After two days of instruction, I had made lots of new friends who now love to hang out with me.

BABES!  And yeah, there’s some guys there, too, but most importantly, BABES!

They even gave me a shirt to wear, see:

Stunning.

And then Chachi got brave and decided to try to steal my name tag and, well:

Totally worth the six tranq darts to my butt.

Rawr.


Rex

FREE CANDY!

So, yeah, I didn’t make it to the concert last night. I, uh, had something else I had to, uh, do.

Heh.

I will share my, uh, hijinks with you as soon as I get my camera back from Norm who confiscated it when he learned what I did last night. Thievery is such a strong word. I prefer borrowed permanently.

Anyway, while I’m writing the story up for you, why don’t you come visit me tomorrow at AIP’s open house?  There will be a photographer there just to take pictures of me with my fans.  And look!

That’s right! I’m giving away chocolate! Look!

Jake might be there too, in which case you might want to get there early to be sure you get a chocolate dinosaur.  Last time I took Jake to the Hersey Factory, well, let’s just say they don’t let dinosaurs take factory tours anymore.  Some new rule about “jumping in the chocolate vat” and “sucking it dry.”

See you tomorrow!

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

CAR-NEEE-VAHL!

The Student Carnival was held recently here at AIP and I have to say this year may have been the best one yet.

Norm was kind enough to send me the pictures he took while I was busy enjoying the festivities with my worshipers the students.

Here I am preparing for the Twinkie-eating contest.

Do I really need to tell you that I won? Do I really need to tell you that I ate 544 Twinkies in 4 seconds and that I could have eaten about half a ton more if they hadn’t run out of Twinkies?  That’s just poor event planning, is what that is.   After dealing with the angry students and their false claims of “Rex, DINOSAURS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE TWINKIE-EATING CONTEST!” I headed over to this table because first, there was a babe running the sno-cone machine and second, look at that guy in the red CLEARLY gesturing to me to eat all the cotton candy in the machine.

That’s a “Have at it, Rex!” face if I ever saw one. So I did.  After I dealt with the angry students and their ridiculous whining of “REX, YOU ATE ALL THE COTTON CANDY, YOU GIANT GLUTTONOUS JERK!” I then headed over to the bull-riding arena.

As you can see, that bull looks delicious.

After dealing with the angry students and their pouting and crying of, “REX, THAT WAS A MECHANICAL BULL!  YOU ARE GOING TO BE POOPING PARTS FOR WEEKS!” I realized I may have gone a BIT too far, so I apologized to the students, and graciously offered to give them all dino-back rides around the place for only a dollar each.

It wasn’t until about the 35th student took their turn “riding” me around that I realized that 544 Twinkies, 200 servings of cotton candy, and a rusting mechanical bull are murder even on a giant monstrous killer death lizard’s stomach.

So I headed home a bit early to mess with Norm’s Apple stuff and to steal his socks.  All in all, a great day was had.

Also, pooping rusting mechanical parts? Not that bad.

Rawr.


Rex

I rawr for ice cream!

Today at AIP the Culinary Recipe Development Club, or as I call them MY BEST FRIENDS, are hosting a sundae bar in the student lounge.

The bar is available from 11:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. and again from 3:30 to 5:00 p.m.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be eating delicious sundaes with MY BEST FRIENDS from 11:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. and again from 3:30 to 5:00 p.m.

Sure I’ll get brain-freeze painful enough to cripple a brontosaurus, but still, worth it.

Also, speaking of dinosaurs and ice cream, I recently learned that my old girlfriend Gertie opened up her own ice cream store at Disney.

It was news to me, but not so much to Sally who said, “Well, that explains why she’s so fat.”

Sally + jealousy = mrowr hisssss

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. The Pirates are unloading players like crazy these last few days.

I wonder if the Pirate Parrot is available for trade because if it is, I think you know what to do: trade a pack of gum for him, knock him unconscious with a tranq gun I’ll give you that I totally didn’t steal from Norm, and then after you’ve rendered him unconscious, bring me the giant bird. With some salt and pepper. And a giant toothpick.

Love you.

2.  The Steelers signed Heath Miller to a six-year deal, which was a smart move considering he is the one human on Earth I consider the closest to being a dinosaur. Or a machine. Or a robot. Or a robot dinosaur.

Let’s go with that.

3.  I think I’ll take Jake to the next AIP open house so he can meet some more humans. I take my mentor duties seriously and the lad clearly needs to practice his don’t eat the people skills.

Stop by and say hi to us if you come. We don’t bite.

LOL!

Get it? We totally bite. Hard.

But still, say hi!

4.  I have been foiled over and over again, mostly by Norm, in my attempts to steal that cuppy thing that lives at Mario’s house.  I’m bringing in reinforcements though, so watch out, Mario. Watch out.  It’s about to get all ninja up in here.

5.  A thought: There needs to be a movie about a ninja dinosaur and I need to star in it.

I’m glad you agree with me.

6.  Smithsonian.com has a post up about the Five Worst Dinosaur Movies of All Time which led me to a movie so bad, so atrocious, so hilariously devoid of anything positive that it might actually make your day.

Let’s do MATH TIME WITH REX!  Making you mathier because I care.

Girl in a brown bikini + dinosaur puppet + director + script – talent – special effects budget – plot – more talent + ridiculousness*763,000 = HAHAHAHAH.  HAHAHAHAH!  HAHAHAHHA!

I can’t pick my favorite part of the trailer. Maybe when the girl leapfrogs to safety, or the giant fake alligator, or maybe when the big fake Graboid shows up.

There’s no telling!

Worst movie ever or WORST BEST movie ever or BEST WORST movie ever?

I can’t decide. But I do know this, Ninja Dinosaur will win an Oscar.

Rawr.