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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

A certain dinosaur victory.

A reader sent me this gift, an autographed copy of Dinosaur vs. Bedtime.

As a fearsome monstrous killer death lizard, as the King of the Dinosaurs for over 65 million years, I know with 100% certainty who is going to win this battle.

I’m going to bed to read my book.

By choice.  By choice I am going to bed because bedtime is whenever I say it’s bedtime and I say it’s bedtime so you CAN STOP LOADING UP THE TRANQ GUN, YOU BLOODTHIRSTY WRANGLER.

I’ll let you know tomorrow how the book turns out and how much Bedtime begs for its life when the dinosaur reigns victorious and if they throw the dinosaur a victory parade.

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species:
Rex

Madsass

There is a facebook application called … “What [redacted by Norm] career will you go into?”

I just KNOW Norm is going to clean that up, so let me help you … the word Norm deleted rhymes with fadbass or madsass or cadglass or hadgrass or in the great lost language of Pig Latin, which I once received an Octorate-Day in … adass-bay.

Get it? If you STILL don’t know what word was redacted, email me so that I can personally respond with an email to you in which I will detail all of the ways you are an idiot.

Moving on.

One of the adass-bay jobs you can end up with is this one:

Really?  First, the Dinosaur Throat-Puncher profession lasted all of one caveman who was soundly ripped limb from limb the second his knuckles made contact with the dinosaur’s throat.

And secondly, Stephen, PLEASE, come here and try to throat punch me.  Really. Try. Please?

I haven’t had a decent meal in like three hours.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species:
Rex

Cagematch!

There’s a new show coming to PBS called Dinosaur Train featuring a skinny orange “T-Rex” named Buddy.

Sigh.

Anyway, take a look at Buddy.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyQHtLvv9lw[/youtube]

I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes, a battle to the death between Barney and Buddy would be the most awesome thing ever.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

NO DEAL!

So I was walking about AIP today, seeing if there were any new students I hadn’t “oriented” yet …

or-i-ent [v.] The act of scaring students until they pee their pants, thus helping the students gain an understanding of who is king here and what they can expect if they sit on me or steal my stuff.

… when I overhead a few of the students making plans to try out for Deal or No Deal. What’s this?!

Producers from the syndicated version of “Deal or No Deal” (5 p.m. weekdays, WPGH) will be in Pittsburgh July 25 to audition prospective contestants at Ross Park Mall.

Prospective contestants must be at least 18 and legal U.S. residents.

I love that show and I seem to meet the requirements, right? I’m like 65 million years older than 18 and I do legally reside here in these United States of America.

I love Howie Mandel and the banker will take one look at my teethy face and my snarling grin and will phone Howie to say, “I’d like to offer the dino one million dollars to not eat me.”

I can’t lose.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic .
Rex

Vacaciones!! Muy divertida! Muchos nom noms!

The post you’ve been waiting for is finally here.

Shut your office door, put you phone on mute, tell your yappy girlfriend to shhh (not you, Sally.  I love it when you go on and on and on and on about God knows what. Love that.) and have a look at my best vacation pictures.

First up, I headed to my old stomping grounds, the play yard where my dino friends and I used to play with dominoes. Some of those dominoes are still standing today, so of course I wanted to get my picture taken there.

(source)

Let me tell you, they were NOT happy when I knocked a few of the dominoes over last week. Not happy at all.  Running after me all, “Bullocks! Chivvy along now, you bloody beast!”

Fighting off the angry throngs of silly humans, I worked up quite an appetite, so logically, I hit Ireland for some snacks.

sheepshadow

(source)

If you think ribs are messy, you’d be flabbergasted at how messy a dino gets after a herd of sheep, so off I went to Iceland to take a bath in the Blue Lagoon:

(source)

Or, as it could be called now, The Reddish Blue Lagoon.

It’s a delightful color, really.

I spent the next few days visiting my old girlfriend.

(source)

Boy did she pick a bad plastic surgeon for her nose job. Yikes.

Sally was THRILLED with this picture. “What’d she do, get hit in the face by an asteroid?!”

I bid Sphinxie ado and headed over to China to have a look see at their supposedly giant wall.

(source)

What do you know, it’s a GIANT wall.

Couldn’t kick it down no matter how hard I tried.

Anyway, one frantic “I’M IN JAIL … IN CHINA!!” call to Norm later, I was free but hungry from the begging and crying, so that of course meant … snack:

(source)

Good ole’ China.

If you think sheep are bad, you ought to have seen me after I [redacted by Norm because of blood and gore].

By this time, it was almost time to head by home to AIP and I didn’t want to come home smelling like I just [exact same thing redacted again].

Shower time!

(source)

Dear Canadians. Don’t have giant showers if you don’t want giant animals showering entrails off in them. Gosh.

For all the freaking out you did, it’s not like I came to your country and feasted on your … what does Canada even have, eh? Other than delicious exotic French-Canadians.

Fresh and clean and worn out from my travels, I headed home to Norm who greeted me with open arms and the tranq gun powered down to 50%.

Perfect for a long nap.

Also, Norm, when the Chinese embassy calls about some cows, or the Spanish embassy about some bulls, or the French embassy about some sissy Frenchmen … I don’t know anything about that.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species: ,
Rex

Doing … and not doing.

Things I am doing this weekend:

1. Seeing as today is New Student Orientation at AIP, I’ll be spending the start of this weekend teaching a whole batch of new students all of the ways they should avoid ticking off AIP’s monstrous killer death lizard. First lesson … DON’T STEAL MY STUFF!

2.  Going through my 672 vacation photos to pick the cream of the crop to show you. Prepare to be blown the heck away.  When Rex vacations, HE VACATIONS!

3.  Taking Jake to Sandcastle Water Park. This is going to be very interesting.  I’m imagining lots of running and terrified screaming. Can’t wait.

4.  Teaching Norm some math. He’s not very mathy. I think I’ll start with the most basic of equations.

Rex + <30 lbs of carcass per week = Norm + bruises + bleeding ouchies

This I am NOT doing this weekend. No sir. Not doing ‘em.

1. Dismantling and correctly rearranging the T-Rex versus T-Rex display at the Carnegie because “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is a dinosaur dummie.  Not doing that.

2.  Stealing the Stanley Cup. Definitely not doing that. No sir.

3.  Hunting down whoever submitted this as a design for a Woot! shirt and sic-ing angry chickens on her.

4.  Seeking a tech expert to help me disengage the web-cameras at the T-Rex versus T-Rex display. Don’t need that. Don’t email me at rex@normanhuelsman.com/creationrex if you know anyone that could do that for me. I won’t respond. No sir.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. Mwah-hahaha!  Mwah-haha!  Mwah-ha!

Hah-ha!

Heh.

[cough]

I’m not up to anything at all, why do you ask?

Wink.

2.  I’m still going through my vacation photos to pick the best ones to share with you.  I especially like the ones of me going over the Niagara Falls.

Just you wait.

3.  Pittsburgh’s PrideFest was held last month and I found this picture in my inbox.

First: Fuscia is another color I look awesome in. Second: What about DINOSAUR rights?

I’d like the right to marry Sally, vote in the mayoral election, and skinny dip in the Mon without the humans getting all up in my face about the waves washing their cars off the wharf.

4. AIP’s website got a new visual look, but the most important thing you should note: I’m on the front page now!

5.  Two things on twitter:

That links takes you to this post.  Note the text on top of the box: “Your very own ‘real’ baby dino.”  Good thing they put the word real in quote marks because that deformed ball of green fluff would absolutely be mistaken for a real baby dinosaur.  If you’ve never seen a giant monstrous killer death lizard roll its eyes, you’re missing quite a show here.

6. Also this:

Aw. Norm missed me. And don’t be fooled by the “kind of” nonsense because I heard from Sally that when she dropped by Norm’s one day while I was on vacation, she found him huddled on the floor in the fetal position, cradling his tranq gun in his arms while moaning, “I miss my best friend!”

Which is great because then maybe he won’t feel the need to tranq me once I do that sneaky mwah-haha thing I’m not really going to do.

Totally going to behave myself and not steal the Stanley Cup. Wink.

Rawr.


Rex

Royalty.

As the King of Steeler Nation and the King of the Dinosaurs and the King of Awesome and the King of Pittsburgh, it is only fitting that I pay tribute to the King of Pop who is being buried today.

I would bust out a moonwalk, but the last time I did that I kinda crushed some cars that kinda had some people in them and who kinda sorta tried to sue AIP for 25 gabillionty dollars in damages.

Whoops.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species:
Rex

It all makes sense.

You know, I was surprised when Norm encouraged me to take a vacation and I was suspicious when he was overly aggressive in encouraging me to be sure to take that vacation during the first week of July.

I am back from my trek around the world to visit my friends (pics soon) and have returned to discover that I missed Anthrocon 2009 in Pittsburgh.

What’s Anthrocon?  This:

(source)

You might see people in fursuits.

You know what I see?  SNACKS!  Walking, talking, and for the most part, slow-moving snacks!

And look!

A snack pack!  I MISSED A SNACK PACK!

Not. Happy.

Rawr!


Rex

Various Curiosities

1. No posting yesterday because I was busy with Jake, finalizing plans for the super secret caper we’re going to pull off that has nothing to do with a certain 35 lb. cup-like trophy currently residing somewhere in Sewickley. Nothing at all.

Heh.

2.  On twitter, I saw this from an adoring fan:

Well, you need only take a look at the movie poster and you’ll quickly see that this will be the greatest movie of this human generation and that it will win every single Oscar next year, even the foreign language film. It’s going to be that epic.

Woolly mammoth. Mmmm.  Plus, they come already equipped with after-meal toothpicks.

3. Are you jealous that Norm gets to hang out with a giant awesome dinosaur all the time? Do you wish you could get your own giant awesome dinosaur to wrangle and yell at and tranq?

Now, for the low low price of $48,000, you kind of can!

4.  Now, brace yourselves for some Math!

1 fearsome handsome dinosaur +

6 months +

20 hours of classes per week -

3 hours of necessary sleep per night +

1 time suctioning mentee

+ 35 tranqings

= VACATION!

I’m spending next week visiting my friends all around the world.

First stop, Scotland to visit my best friend Lester.  Here we are swimming in the lake the last time I was able to get out for a visit:

(source)

Ah, I can already hear the relaxing sounds of nature and the horrified screams of the people.

Someone be sure to check in on Norm for me from time to time, okay? I’m sure he’s going to miss having me around for target practice.

See you in a week!

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species: , , , ,