Presented by The Art Institute of Pittsburgh

Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Various curiosities.

1. You must believe in the power of the Mojo Octopus by now.

I aged more over those 60 tense minutes of hockey than I have aged in my previous 65 million years on Earth.

I know for a fact my heart literally stopped beating as I watched Rob Scuderi play goalie for a scrambling Marc-Andre Fleury.

Luckily Norm was standing by to kick me in the chest as hard as he could to get the old ticker beating again.  And then I smacked him into the wall for having the audacity to kick me.

Game 7. We have the mojo. DON’T BE STUPID AND TRY TO STEAL THE MOJO!

2.  I’m getting even more famous now.

  • Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies (delicious BITE-SIZED PONIES!) called me a “beast”, which, yes, the last time I looked in the mirror and smiled to reveal blood-stained teeth, I am very much a beast.  Then they also revealed that I’m not a bandwagon fan.  Of course I’m not a bandwagon jumper. I weigh 5 tons. I would DESTROY the bandwagon!
  • Yahoo! Sports’ Puck Daddy has posted twice about me and my penchant for munching on whimpering octopi for the sake of my entire city. I think he’s, like, in awe of me.
  • And last night, NBC showed me standing guard outside of AIP and the commentator asked, “Who is that little guy?”  Hey, NBC, come here and say that to my face you Red Wings-loving [redacted by Norm].

3.  Some guy named Dave Crawley came by to visit me today and to take pictures.

He must be a huge fan. I think I might need some velvet rope, Norm, for these groupies I’m acquiring.

Unless they’re girl groupies.  Especially cute girl groupies. But don’t tell Sally. She’s getting a bit jealous from all the attention I’m getting lately.

It’s kind of hot.

[Wrangler Note]

Rex, All this attention must be going to your head because you forgot to mention you’ll be on KDKA tonight around 6:45. Now all your “adoring” fans can tune in from home, no velvet rope needed.

4.    All of this excitement and fame and hunting down evil-doers has left me with barely no time to ride my motorcycle.

What?

You don’t believe me? The proof is in the picture:

You can go ahead and make fun of my helmet, but then you should ask yourself how badly do you want to be handed your own arm?

Rawr.

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Rex

A letter from Rex

Dear Pittsburgh,

The Penguins have not lost since I ate the octopus.

You are welcome.

Your friend,

Rex

P.S.  Send carcass.

Rawr!


era: Prehistoric .
Rex

Okay/Not Okay

Let’s talk about dinosaur jewelry.

Reader Heidi (she’s cute) brought VERAMEAT jewelry to Norm’s attention.

First, unfortunately, like you I initially thought meat was involved in this jewelry. It is not. Not a speck of meat to be found. You shouldn’t be allowed to have anything with the word meat in it if there isn’t actual meat involved. It’s very misleading.

OKAY!

However, there is this dinosaur necklace that is officially okay in my book:

Now that we’ve looked at the okay, let’s have a look-see at the really really never ever okay dinosaur jewelry.

NOT OKAY!

First thing wrong with this necklace is that the T-Rex is collared.  We’ve already talked about how that can never happen.

Second thing wrong is the arms look like nubs.  It’s insulting to my ferocious, crushing biceps.

Third and biggest thing wrong with this is that the necklace incorporates dinosaur poop.

That’s right. You can walk around with actual dinosaur feces strapped to your neck.

Dinosaurs are fearsome, brilliant scavengers.  Humans walk around with decorative poop around their necks and WE’RE the ones that almost went extinct?

Further proof of God’s horrible sense of humor.

Rawr.


Rex

A Picture Story, with words, by Rex

You might be surprised to know that not only am I incredibly handsome and astoundingly mathy, I’m also quite the author.  Here’s a little story for you, perhaps one you’ll want to share with your kids before you tuck them in tonight.

Once upon a time there was a dinosaur, the handsomest most feared dinosaur in all of the land.

We’ll call him Rex.

In addition to being the eyes, ears, and sharp pointy teeth of the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Rex was also the Ruler of all the Nation of Steeler and the biggest Pittsburgh Penguins fan on the planet.  Literally the BIGGEST!

It came to pass that the evil, hated, and let’s be honest, quite ugly Red Wings came to town for the Stanley Cup finals after having won the first two games of the series — something that caused Rex to question his finely honed math abilities. But that’s another story.

The Red Wings had an unofficial mascot of sorts in that the fans would regularly toss an octopus onto the ice before or during a hockey game.

Yes, kiddies, an octopus. Is their mascot. Because they are dumb.

But that’s another story.

No, it’s not! It’s THIS story! They’re very very dumb.

Rex, being fearsome, decided to show the People of the Land of Octopi what’s what.

He went to his pageboy Norm and demanded that an octopus be brought to him or heads would be chomped off and spit into the Mon.

Luckily for Pageboy Norm, his friend Jim Lokay from KDKA-TV had an octopus. On his person. This raises questions, but that’s another story.

The octopus was terrified when it saw Rex, with eyes that pleaded please don’t eat me. I can’t help it if my people are stupid!

Rex ignored the pleas of the doomed octopus and gave it a nice squeeze to make sure it was squishy enough.

It was.

And Rex ate the CRAP out of that octopus, the Penguins won the next four games, Rex was regularly smooched by pretty girls and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

Rawr.


Rex

Rexy = Not Okay!

You’ll remember that I talked to you about the Will Farrell movie coming out called Land of the Lost and we also discussed how magnificent the monstrous killer death lizard appears to be in the trailer.

There’s another current movie with a dinosaur and that movie is called a Night at the Museum: Battle at the Smithsonian.

I saw this post from Pittsburgh’s very own Annoyed Angel and I learned some things.

1.  The dinosaur in the movie is named … wait for it … Rexy.

That’s one letter away from Rex, but also one letter away from Roxy, three letters away from icky and approximately 15 letters away from ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

2. If you go to McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal with your human kids, they will get their very own Rexy to play with.

You’ll notice that according to McDonald’s, a T-Rex’s feet are equal to the length of his body.

Clearly they hired “Dr.” Matt Lamanna as their scientific adviser when they designed Rexy.

3. Rexy comes with a trading card that informs us that Rexy is like a puppy dog that likes to wag his tail and play fetch.

The only thing a REAL monstrous killer death lizard likes to fetch is dead meat and the last time I wagged my tail I knocked down 40 vendor carts at the Three Rivers Arts Festival. I couldn’t help it. My tail gets waggy when I smell gyros.

4.  The pièce de résistance (translated to English that’s “piece of resistance”)  though is the video of Rexy walking.

You must watch it so that you too can experience the stumbling, bumbling, drunken gait.

In other words, exactly how I walk those first moments after Norm tranqs me.

As for Annoyed Angel, she asks what I would like her to do with Rexy.

I did Rock, Bamm-Bamm, Pebbles, spear, axe! with Norm to decide, and I won.

I hope you have an axe.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  It begins Saturday. Red Wings. Penguins. Rematch.

Let’s break it down with Math Time with Rex: Making you Mathier

1 2008 Red Wings team

+ 1 very despicable Marian Hossa

+ Bad Karma

- God

+ The Devil

<

1 2008 Penguins team

- 1 despicable Marian Hossa

+ 1 Bill Guerin

+ God

+ Good Karma

That’s right. This year, we’re the better team.

2.  I found another great picture of my hockey-playing days for you to enjoy.

I agree with you, orange really is a great color on me. Wow.

Note the blood stains on my teeth. It goes without saying that this was an exceptionally bad day for Blor’s kid Blor.

You’re going to high-stick a monstrous killer death lizard, you’re going to get up close and personal with the hangy thing in the back of my throat.

Yes, dinos have those, too.

You learned something today!

3.  This KIND of makes me feel bad about how much I hate the Red Wings:

God help me, but I kind of love Beth, too.

Don’t tell Sally!

She’s still mad about Gertie.

4.  When I first saw these cookies being sold at the Pretzel Shop in the South Side I thought to myself, Rex, clearly these people are huge fans of yours and so much so that they have baked cookies in your image.

But then I noticed the cookies were … purple.

And then I realized maybe these are … Barney cookies?

BARNEY COOKIES?! In PITTSBURGH?! WHERE I LIVE?!  WHERE I RULE?!?

I didn’t get a chance to “speak” to the owners because I blacked out.  I suspect Norm tranqed me, but I can’t be sure since when I came to he was nowhere to be found.

So listen, if you see Norm cowering somewhere in fear mumbling, “Just sit still. Stop shaking. He’ll never look here.” Don’t disturb him. Just tell me where he is and I’ll play hide and seek and eat with him.

He loves that game.

Rawr.

 


Rex

Sweeping up after the Scattered Showers

No, I’m not doing chores, regardless of how many times Norm and Sally have asked me to clean up after myself.

I asked Norm to get me a broom to celebrate the Penguins’ recent sweep of the Carolina Hurricanes.

Or as I call them, the Carolina Scattered Showers.  Poor inconsistent, random, isolated Scattered Showers.

Did you notice that Sidney Crosby and other Penguins touched the Prince of Wales Trophy when that is considered to be bad luck? It is interesting to note that your friend Rex had a role in the origin of that superstition.  You see way way way … WAY back when I played hockey, my team did not win the Prince of Wales Trophy and as they presented the trophy to the captain of the winning team, Blor’s kid Blor … well, I lost it.  I couldn’t stand to see him touching the trophy, so I chomped him good and he never skated again.

Thus, kids, it became known that it is really bad luck to touch the Prince of Wales Trophy.  You could get chomped.

But moving on, bring on the Red Wings. Bring on Marian Hossa (mostly so I can eat him). Bring on their giant smelly octopi. Bring it all. The Penguins will have an answer.

You’ll also notice from the above picture a few other things:

1. Playoff beard, still awesome.

2.  Me, still handsome.

3.  Background, we’re getting ready for graduation here at AIP.  Doesn’t it appear that two of those arms belong to a person trying to grab my tail, or worse yet, grab my butt?

Wow. Both of those are really really bad ideas.

Rawr.


Rex

Mad dance skillz

Today I took a walk to take in all of the wonderful sunshine we’re having here in Pittsburgh when I ran into my good friend Dolly in Shadyside.

Poor Dolly.

It would appear someone mistook her for an EXOTIC DANCER!

Source.

How rude. But in defense of the person that left the single there, it might be confusing because Dolly never wears clothes, unlike yours truly. But in defense of Dolly, she was nowhere near McKees Rocks.

Also, why don’t any humans ever come up to me and offer me cash like this? I’m offended by this because I can really bust a move and if you’ve never seen your good friend Rex bust a move, then you’ve never seen a move busted.

I’m especially awesome at the ‘NSYNC “Bye-Bye-Bye” dance and I can churn a barrel of butter like an Amish hip-hop star.

Rawr.

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Rex

Various Curiosities.

1. Let’s go Pens!

Have you noticed I’m growing a playoff beard?

2.  I have a sense of humor and as proof, I tell you that this list of “9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex” gave me a chuckle (if you were downtown, maybe you felt it?), particularly reason #4.  Ignore reason #2, because it’s just not true. What is true? Carcass is delicious.

3.  Here’s a twitter update that gave me pause.

I don’t need to click on that link or speak the language to know that I’m being insulted.

fugle? sagt pip? wraaah?

Yeah? So’s your mother!

Zing.

4.  Math time! I understand Americans lag behind other countries in their math skills, so I consider it my duty to help you get mathier.

1 girlfriend named Sally +

1 ex-girlfriend named Gertie +

1 accidental meeting while Gertie is in town +

1 girlfriend unaware that ex-girlfriend existed +

1 flaring nostril * 2 +

1 underhanded insult lobbed by Gertie to Sally +

1 blatant insult lobbed by Sally to Gertie -

1 monstrous killer death lizard who knows better than to get in the way =

Dino-fight!

According to the Richter Scale, Sally won.

That’s my girl.

Rawr.


Rex

This coconut is very meaty! And is screaming.

Oh, this is rich.

There is a museum in Kentucky called The Creation Museum that believes and teaches that all dinosaurs were originally friendly plant eating creatures.

When a curious museum visitor asks, why exactly T. rex had six-inch long serrated teeth, the guides go on to explain that T. rex used his big teeth to open coconuts.

Oh, I have to.  Can I just this once? Thanks.

ROTFL!

Sure kids, these giant teeth of mine were originally given to me so that I could open coconuts.

And by coconuts I mean anything with two legs, meat covered bones and a beating heart.

Suddenly, “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is like the smartest dinosaur guy in the universe.

Rawr.