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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Mail time.

Mixed in with the adoring fan mail I receive, are letters that I feel deserve a public response, as opposed to the normally private responses I send stating, “You’re cute. Call me. Don’t tell Sally. Bring Carcass. Rawr. Rex.”

1.  Reader Sean wanted to know what I, the King of Steeler Nation, predicted for this year’s Steelers.  Here are my responses:

  • Number of James Harrison sacks: Not enough.
  • Limas Sweed’s numbers: 1 and 4.  And I bet when he does math he’s all, “Drop the 1, drop the 3, drop the …” because it’s not like he catches or carries anything.
  • Stefan Logan, greatest returner in team history or another Allen Rossum?: You mean that guy that basically handed the ball to the other team last week?  I predict he gets eaten by a dinosaur named Rex.
  • Will Jeff Reed be arrested during the season? Seriously?  That’s like asking “Will we have a cloudy, gray day in Pittsburgh this fall?” or “Will Norm tranq Rex into next Tuesday when he learns where Leo and Leonis just showed up?”  There’s a 100% chance of yes.
  • Who will lead the team in touchdowns scored? Not Willie Parker that’s for stinking sure.
  • Season prediction (please include the team record): This season will rock and the team record is “Renegade.”

That was easy.  You’re welcome, Sean.

2.  This is from reader Paul:

With you being the biggest and most ferocious Pittsburgh sports fan out there I was hoping that there is some way in which you can help out the Pittsburgh Pirates. First I thought you could give them a pep talk on how the city wants to see the Pirates succeed. Afterall look at how we have embraced the Steelers and Penguins, don’t they want to have a parade with several hundred thousand human fans and one awesome dinosaur? If that won’t work you can scare them into being being better with a ferocious RAWR and your intimidating demeanor. Maybe you can send in Jake to practice his intimidation skills, also to Norm to tranq the upper management staff into doing everything in their power to get a better team. I just want to see the Pirates do better just as much as you like eating octopus for an appetizer.

Aw. How cute.  He wants to see the Pirates do better.  First, tranquing upper management won’t do anything but make them even more dead to winning than they already are.  What they need actually is a kick in the pants and by pants I mean bum and by bum I mean wallets.  But you’re in luck, Paul!  They lost 99 games this season.  It’s not like they can do much worse. HAHAHAH!  That’s a joke.  They can totally do much worse.

3.  And finally, this from hot babe Shannon:

Rex, just wondering if you ever gave Jesus a lift?

To be honest, once when he was a kid I did let him go for a ride, but only because his asteroid-hurling Dad scares the poop out of me, so I pretty much had no choice.  I did it for the survival of my species.

You’re welcome, species!

Rawr.


Rex

Things you don’t know anything about.

Could you imagine if I actually tried to list all of the things that I know about that you don’t know anything about?  There aren’t enough terabytes on the planet.

For now though, you first of all don’t know anything about any dinosaur trying to sneak into the Mellon Arena for the first Penguins home game of the season.  The very Mellon Arena I was banned for life from because I did a harmless little thing like steal the Stanley Cup for a few hours.

Here’s the picture than ran in the newspaper next to the headline “Dinosaur spotted lurking in secure area of Mellon Arena. AIP denies it is Rex.”

Good ole’ AIP. Deny deny deny.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get into the building to watch the game live because those sneaky humans locked the roof, making it ridiculously hard for me to pry it open to peek in.  No matter, I watched the game on the outside screen with my adoring fans who liked to jokingly shout, “You! Dinosaur! Either shrink 20 feet or move to the back! Idiot!”

It’s cute how they jokingly call me “idiot.”  Much in the same way that it’s cute when I respond with [redacted by Norm].

The second thing you don’t know anything about is this cigar that Leo and Leonis sent me from Cuba where they’re enjoying a little beach adventure.

Did I say Cuba?  They’re not in Cuba, Dollar Bank.  They’re somewhere where it is perfectly legal to purchase cigars from.  Um, Indiana.

That’s a place right?

Also, bets on how long I can actually smoke this cigar before Norm marches out here and puts it out with the fire hose?  I’ll put $40,000 on ten seconds.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Going once …

Norm sent me an email about this news story explaining an auction of prehistoric items and then he pointed out this picture of a woman standing in front of some prehistoric shark jaws and Norm wrote, “HA! You’d be like a little snack for that shark!  Not so big and terrifying now are you?”

First, yeah, big jaws. Oooh, scary.  Second, um, who is alive and ruling Pittsburgh and who is now a section of bones and teeth being sold to the highest bidder?

Right.  I’ll await your apology, Norm.  Write it on a piece of paper and stick it in the box of the Wii you’re going to buy me to show how sorry you really are.

In addition, also up for auction is my friend Samson who I haven’t seen in AGES.  LITERAL AGES!  I’m trying to convine AIP to adopt him, but at a $6 million price tag all they would say was, “BWAH-HAHAH!”

What does that mean in English?

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species:
Rex

Various Curiosities

1. Well the G-20 is over and while many of you stayed away either because you wished to or were told to, I have to tell you, international reporter babes are so much fun.

I would tell you “Don’t tell Sally” but she was up to her eyeballs in love with a reporter from France, so I don’t think she would even notice if I was otherwise occupied with international reporter babes.

I wonder if River Rescue ever fished that reporter from France out of the Mon.  No clue how he got there.  At all.

Also, best part of the G-20? HORSES!

What?

2.  An adoring fan of mine, @getfreshdesigns, sent me this picture:

It’s a T-Rex game and the object of the game is to flee the angry, monstrous, king of beasts, the terrible tyrant lizard T-Rex.

Please note the box says you will move “realistic dinosaurs” safely away from the T-Rex.  I assume this means the dinosaurs cry like little babies all, “Don’t eat me! Please don’t eat me!”

I approve this game and if the maker of this game would like me to film commercials for this game, I will put that loser Sham-wow guy to shame.

3.  Pittsburgh is wondering what happened to the lions that normally guard the Dollar Bank on Fourth Avenue.

Norm even posted about it!  Here’s the before when the lions were on guard:

Here’s the now:

As you can see, their handler/wrangler is just staring at their empty seats wondering where his charges disappeared to.  You know his tranq gun is hidden safely in that bag, locked and loaded.

Um, those are my buddies Leo and  Leonis (they’re twins doncha know?) and when they read about my adventure in stealing the Stanley Cup, they came to me and said, “Rex, your life is so awesome and all we do is sit there on our pedestals and sleep and eat the occasional bank burglar.  We wish we had lives as exciting as yours.  And a girlfriend as hot as yours.”

I’m paraphrasing a bit.

So I instructed Leo and Leonis to find themselves an adventure.  I’m expecting a postcard back from them any day now.

I think they said they were heading east first.  Something about New York City.

I’ll keep you posted, Dollar Bank, and I’m sure as soon as they’ve sown their wild oats, those two rascals will be right back guarding your building before you know it.

And to you, dear readers, if you see Leo and Leonis’ handler around and he asks you if you have any idea where they’ve gone, repeat after me: “I don’t know anything about that.”

4. Finally, no, I can’t talk about the Steelers right now.  I’m too mad, it’s too painful, and Norm has told me I’m under no circumstances to eat Limas Sweed.

Even though he deserves it.

Rawr.


Rex

Nana?!

The dinosaur world is abuzz because they found a skeleton dating before my time that is basically a small T-Rex, and these paleontological geniuses are just ASTOUNDED by this miniature predecessor of the giant T-Rex.

Tyrannosaurus rex’s likely ancestors started small — but perfectly armed — some 125 million years ago, dinosaur researchers reported Thursday. Puny arms, massive jaws, swift legs — all characteristics of the king of the carnivores — adorned a newly discovered dinosaur, Raptorex kriegsteini, reported by the journal Science. But Raptorex was only about 1/5 the length of tyrannosaur and flourished about 40 million years before T. rex appears in the fossil record.

First, “puny arms”? Come here and say that to my face.

Second, um, don’t your grandmas shrink with old age, too?

Rawr.


Rex

I’m kind of a big deal.

You know you have made it, finally truly have been recognized as the handsomest, most awesome dinosaur in the world when you’re subject to fan Photoshops (or whatever the heck program you creative types use to incorporate my chiseled face into photographs).

Take a look.

This first one, if you put your ear to your monitor, you can actually hear those guys thinking, “We are just not worthy.”

TRIPPY!:

That’s pretty much how I look after I’ve eaten a sheep.

New York!

Picture that face with this text over it: “Ninja Dinosaur.”

Why isn’t that a movie yet?!

No matter what color I am, I’m pretty ridiculously awesome:

Finally, I want this one to be poster-sized and hung in my bedroom.

Sally, surprisingly, has rejected that idea on the grounds that that girl is a total babe.

Norm, couldn’t you just imagine a photography exhibit at AIP’s gallery that focuses on, well, ME?

I agree. Best idea ever.  Get on that.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Mmmm. Sparkles.

Are you one of those girls (or boys) that can’t get enough of that sunshine-sparkling vampire Edward and his child-bride Bella?

I haven’t seen the movie or read the books, but everything I’ve heard about them tells me that I’d like to eat Edward.

I found this picture entitled “How Twilight Should’ve Ended”:

I believe personally that every movie could be improved exponentially if a dinosaur devoured the lead characters in the final moments of the film.  For instance, An Officer and a Gentleman. Think about it!  They walk out of the factory and “RAWR!”

Best movie ever!

Also, I bet vampires taste just like regular people, except a bit brooding-er, a hint moodier and a whole bunch sparkle-ier.

Yum.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic .
Rex

Stunning.

Here I am with my new G-20 background, which is the world map formed from various international ways to say “Welcome!”:

You might also notice that I’m wearing my best tie so that I can show the leaders of the world that I am a classy dinosaur. A dinosaur of taste.  A dinosaur who knows which fork to use.  A handsome dinosaur.  Pulchritudinous, if you will.  A dinosaur of many languages. Languageisimos, if you will.   A dinosaur Michelle Obama can feel comfortable inviting to State Dinners. A dinosaur that only on rare occasions misbehaves and steals major sporting event trophies. And I mean, VERY RARELY.

If you’re downtown for the G-20, stop by and say aloha to your bueno ami Rex.

Of course with all the security restrictions in place, you might have a hard time getting to me.  Too bad you’re not a giant dinosaur that can just walk across the riverbed like I can.

Also, Norm, yeah I found your car.  It’s drying off on the wharf.  YOU’RE POZHALOVAT!

Rawr.


Rex

The night I kissed Lord Stanley.

As I told you last week, I did not make it to the NFL kickoff concert at Point State Park, nor did I, the King of Steeler Nation, attend the game at Heinz Field.

With the entire city held captive by either that “dress” Fergie wore or by the mad football stylings of Troy Polamalu, Jake and I seized on a once in a lifetime opportunity to do what I have been threatening to do for three months.

Steal the Stanley Cup right out from under Sidney’s nose.

The first step was to be sure the entire student body was distracted and wouldn’t notice Jake and I slipping into the night like dinosaur ninjas.

You’ll notice Jake was SERIOUSLY angry about that bogus interference call on Troy Polamalu.  I managed to silence him right before he roared in anger.

Out into the cool night, Jake and I reviewed the plan which was 1. sneak out 2. steal the prize 3. laugh like mad maniacal dinosaurs 4. snack 5. nap.

That plan is foolproof.

Jake and I sneaked ninja-like through dark alleys and then swam the river up to Sewickley.  Here we are after exiting the river.

You’d never guess you were looking at dinosaurs would you?  Sally is a genius seamstress by the way.  Also, you should see the size of her sewing machine.

Look how happy Jake is!  Am I not the best mentor in the whole world?

After once again reviewing the plan and also informing Jake that under no circumstances was he to eat any of the Lemieux family pets except fish, we disabled the alarm system using a trick I learned on MacGyver last week (God bless bubble gum and toothpicks!) and slipped into Sidney’s bedroom to find this:

Aw. Sleeping with the Cup. How cute.

I turned to Jake and I said, “Ok. very gently, pick it up.”

And Jake walked over and gently picked Sid up like a little baby, to which I said, “WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?!”

And Jake looked very confused and said, “I thought we were picking up dinner!”

Kids these days. I swear. Can’t even steal right.

After I set him straight, Jake gingerly returned a still-sleeping Sid to his bed then I grabbed the Cup, gave it a quick smooch and we were off.

Unfortunately for us, we didn’t know Billy Guerin was also staying the night at Mario’s place.  He saw us sneaking off the property and promptly hopped in his car to chase us down while angrily punching Norm’s number into his cellphone to let him know what I had done.  I can’t for the life of me figure out how he knew it was us. I mean, hello? Disguises!

I guess Jake just doesn’t make a very good ninja.

This is the last thing I remember as I slipped into a tranq-induced unconsciousness:

Pretty sure he’s telling me where I can go and it’s not “to have a nap.”

The Cup is gone. But I had it briefly. I kissed it. I hugged it. I drank out of it. I wore it as a hat.

I’m in a WORLD of trouble.

I haven’t seen Norm this mad since I flicked his car into the river because I was teaching Jake about objects that sink versus objects that float.

Here’s a lesson for you today. Cars? Not very floaty!

Rawr!


Rex

FREE CANDY!

So, yeah, I didn’t make it to the concert last night. I, uh, had something else I had to, uh, do.

Heh.

I will share my, uh, hijinks with you as soon as I get my camera back from Norm who confiscated it when he learned what I did last night. Thievery is such a strong word. I prefer borrowed permanently.

Anyway, while I’m writing the story up for you, why don’t you come visit me tomorrow at AIP’s open house?  There will be a photographer there just to take pictures of me with my fans.  And look!

That’s right! I’m giving away chocolate! Look!

Jake might be there too, in which case you might want to get there early to be sure you get a chocolate dinosaur.  Last time I took Jake to the Hersey Factory, well, let’s just say they don’t let dinosaurs take factory tours anymore.  Some new rule about “jumping in the chocolate vat” and “sucking it dry.”

See you tomorrow!

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,