1. Let’s go Pens!

Have you noticed I’m growing a playoff beard?

2.  I have a sense of humor and as proof, I tell you that this list of “9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex” gave me a chuckle (if you were downtown, maybe you felt it?), particularly reason #4.  Ignore reason #2, because it’s just not true. What is true? Carcass is delicious.

3.  Here’s a twitter update that gave me pause.

I don’t need to click on that link or speak the language to know that I’m being insulted.

fugle? sagt pip? wraaah?

Yeah? So’s your mother!

Zing.

4.  Math time! I understand Americans lag behind other countries in their math skills, so I consider it my duty to help you get mathier.

1 girlfriend named Sally +

1 ex-girlfriend named Gertie +

1 accidental meeting while Gertie is in town +

1 girlfriend unaware that ex-girlfriend existed +

1 flaring nostril * 2 +

1 underhanded insult lobbed by Gertie to Sally +

1 blatant insult lobbed by Sally to Gertie -

1 monstrous killer death lizard who knows better than to get in the way =

Dino-fight!

According to the Richter Scale, Sally won.

That’s my girl.

Rawr.

Norm sent me an email asking me to give him some junk.

I’m not even joking.  See.

WE NEED YOUR JUNK! PLEASE SHARE WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS and PEOPLE WHO MIGHT WANT TO DONATE ITEMS FOR OUR SALE!

The all-caps makes me think that he URGENTLY needs my junk.  He tells me it is for the upcoming AIP Rummage Sale on June 3, which helps provide scholarships for the students — my kids.

Boy, 65-million-years of life brings a whole lot of junk.

I’m donating the following, so if you wish to buy them, and I know you will, you should get there bright and early for the sale to wrestle with the other Rex-lovers trying to get their hands on my things:

1.  One very damaged pair of giant pink bunny ears.

2.  One very damaged set of giant bagpipes.

3.  A very expensive watch monogrammed with ML.  I have no idea where I got it or who ML is, but I bet there’s a really ticked off paleontologist tearing through his stuff right now. But I don’t know anything about that.

4.  Some old audiotape marked “W-Gate”.  No clue.

5.  Carmen Sandiego’s hat. That’s right. Who found her? This dino.

Anyway, get out your junk, throw it in your trunk, and head over to the 1st Avenue loading dock in the rear of the AIP building – read the poster for complete details. Say hello to your good friend Rex when you stop by, however, be warned that if your junk includes a dinosaur-sized pair of running shoes … it is so on.

Rawr.

Click for larger image.

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As you know, I like math, so let me give you some updates using math:

1. Penguins!

1 motivated Sidney Crosby +

1 really angry Sergei Gonchar -

1 Capitals goalie *

the fire of 1,000,000 suns =

dominance.

As you recall yesterday, I predicted dominance by the Penguins to the tune of 5-1.  6-2 is pretty close to 5-1.  I’d tell you how close, but that’s not my kind of math.  Pretty close.

I’m thinking about growing a playoff beard. I’ll keep you posted.

2.  Paint!

1 terribly talented monstrous killer death lizard+

2 perfectly useful arms +

1 canvas +

10 colors of paint -

1 color of purple because purple is Barney’s color and Barney is a [redacted by Norm] +

2 giant dino-sized brushes=

Masterpiece by Rex

My first effort will be posted soon.  I should warn you though, I’m pretty freaking awesome.

That elephant that paints is about to be pwned.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He7Ge7Sogrk[/youtube]

Oh, please. That video? Photoshop.

Rawr.

Oh, this is rich.

There is a museum in Kentucky called The Creation Museum that believes and teaches that all dinosaurs were originally friendly plant eating creatures.

When a curious museum visitor asks, why exactly T. rex had six-inch long serrated teeth, the guides go on to explain that T. rex used his big teeth to open coconuts.

Oh, I have to.  Can I just this once? Thanks.

ROTFL!

Sure kids, these giant teeth of mine were originally given to me so that I could open coconuts.

And by coconuts I mean anything with two legs, meat covered bones and a beating heart.

Suddenly, “Dr.” Matt Lamanna is like the smartest dinosaur guy in the universe.

Rawr.

1.  Sorry that I didn’t post yesterday, but I was in mourning.

If this were twitter, that previous statement would have been hash-tagged with #STUPIDPENGUINS!

2.  Tonight, they win it in seven and they’ll do it with dominance. I’m saying 5-1.

Are you laughing at me?  We’ll see who’s laughing tonight when the next Evgeni Malkin interview goes something like, “Ah, yes, ah, love to mommy and daddy and we knowed good game and uh, we have the heart and the skating to uh, KICK THEIR STUPID BUTTS! WOO!”

Don’t let me down, Evgeni.

3.  So I was checking out AIP’s calendar and saw this was happening tonight:

05/13/2009

SPRINGTIME BOUNCE HOUSE

Springtime Bounce House and Rita’s Italian Ice from 5 to 9 p.m. in Shannon Hall

I have no idea what this is, but my goodness am I going! I can only assume they are going to have one of those giant inflatable bouncy things for us to jump in.  I hope I don’t pop this one like I destroyed the last one.  Stupid sharp pointy talons of death.

Or maybe they have a room with padded walls and a springy floor and we all get to bounce around like we’re in a mosh pit.  So many things this could be.   I’m going to find Norm and find out if I can bring Sally as my date and also to find out if they have enough Italian ice for a dinosaur.

4.  I have no clue as to what this man is doing to Barney, but please, by all means, continue.

5.  I’ve decided to take up painting during these warm summer months.  I’ll let you know how my first effort turns out as soon as Norm gets me that canvas and paints I asked for. This is an ART school, Norm. You’d think this kind of stuff would appear at the snap of a finger.

[snap]

[snap]

I’m waiting, Norm.

Also, if the Pens win tonight, try to stop yourself from just tweeting the whole alphabet at us. Use your words, Norm.

6. It is such a nice day out, I think I’ll go chase some students.

I’m kidding!

Watch your backs.

Rawr.

I was trolling the Scientific American site today when I came across an article entitled thusly:

First, I must ask why even ask this question?  Do we dinosaurs take to scientific journals to ask, “If a human being came face-to-face with a wild mountain lion, what are the chances of survival, given the human’s gross inferiority to all animals in general?” We don’t.

Anyway, after I awoke from the gosh darn tranq-ing that Norm gave me because I started trashing his place in anger, I had to read the article.

Please, please, dear friends, read to the end of this excerpt:

American paleontologist Henry Fairfield Osborn, the first one to describe T. rex, initially expressed doubts that the relatively small humerus, or upper arm bone, associated with this enormous animal really belonged to it. Once convinced, however, he forwarded the first theory in 1906 of their utility–in grasping organs for copulation.

I don’t normally like to use your childish LOLs or ROTFLs, but seriously … Oh. Emm. Gee.

The arms of a monstrous killer death lizard can easily bench 400 pounds and THAT was the only use he could come up with?

Rest easy, tonight, “Dr.” Matt Lamanna, there existed a dumber paleontologist than you.

Rawr.

When I’m bored, which tends to happen when the foot traffic slows down on the Boulevard (Rex + no humans to scare = bored monstrous killer death lizard), I like to search around the twitterverse and see what I can find.

Today was an exceptionally good hunting day with me placing just as many people on my LOVE list as I did on my KILL AND EAT list.

First are the LOVE:

Took the words right out of my pointy teeth-filled mouth.

I HEART YOU, TOO, CALIPANTHERGRL! (Don’t tell Sally!)

Isn’t that just cute as crap!?

Wow. Quoted on twitter! I feel so famous.

Hey, that IS the sound I make when I run!

It could be, lcmcbeth. Especially if you live in Pittsburgh anywhere near “Dr.” Matt Lamanna.  He’s so fun to chase and the more speed I get going the more “booommmm shaka-laka” it gets.

Now these are the KILL AND EAT twitterers:

So original. Bravo.

He was a “LOVE” with his first tweet on the bottom there, but by the time he tweeted his last tweet at the top? KILL AND EAT!

Oh, again! Bravo! Encore!

Die.

This one is neither LOVE nor KILL AND EAT.  It’s just funny!

And finally, there’s my wrangler Norm who tweeted this immediately after Letang’s goal last night in overtime:

Wow, Norm. Your English is solid as a rock, my friend.

Rawr.

Yes, Petr, there is a Santa Claus and his name is Norm and look at what Norm made for me:

Adjectives you’re currently seeking: Amazing, astounding, staggeringly handsome, Adonis-like, virile, ravishing, majestic, pulchritudinous, Rico Suave.  Circle one.

You can rest easy, Petr. I’ll not be coming for you in your sleep tonight to make you my newest life sized Penguins bobblehead and you can thank Norm for saving your scrawny butt.

Now that Norm and I have done our parts, you and the rest of you slacking Penguins (not you, Sidney. Hat trick = good), GET TO WORK AND WIN FOR THE LOVE OF GERTIE!

Rawr.

1.  As you are aware, the Penguins are deep in the throes of the second round of the playoffs and I am STILL not wearing any Penguins gear. Not a flag, a jersey, a stick, a puck, a sliver of ice, a helmet, the lifeless body of Marian Hossa. Nothing.

Norm, if I don’t have something Penguin-y by tomorrow, do not blame nor tranq me when I’m forced to either steal a real live tuxedo-wearing slippery penguin from the zoo or to just grab a Penguin from his bed (probably Petr Sykora – he’s not too busy) and then stand here and wave his angry, thrashing body like a flag to passersby.

Sure some of them might be asking, “Is that guy screaming in Czech begging us for help?” but most of them would be saying, “Good ole’ Monstrous Killer Death Lizard Rex. Now THERE’S a true fan.”

Me. Penguins. Make it happen.

2. Hey, look. I’m famous and stuff now. Stop by and see me and maybe I’ll give you an autograph if you bring me meat.

3.  Today’s edition of Okay/Not Okay involves dinosaur cartoons.

Here’s one that is okay:

Cute kid.

And here we have NOT OKAY:

Wow.  That is so original. Oooh, look at the dinosaur, look at his tiny little arms, look at his giant gnashing teeth coming at me, look at the enveloping darkness.

Rawr.

What a refreshing run that was for me and what a crushing defeat that was for the humans in the race.

Did you come downtown to cheer on your good friend Rex as he crossed the finish line 45 minutes before any other runner in the Pittsburgh Marathon? I did spy one or two “Go, Monstrous Killer Death Lizard Rex, Go!” posters as I whizzed by the blur of crowds.

Norm managed to snag one picture before I really picked up speed:

I know it’s terribly blurry and you can barely see the awesome Nikes that Norm found for me, but taking a clear picture of a T-Rex running is like trying to take a picture of heaven.

Good luck with that.

You might read in the newspaper that an Ethiopian man was the first across the finish line, but that is just because he was the first HUMAN to cross the finish line. The race organizers angrily waved a rule book at me after I completed the race.  Something about non-humans being ineligible.

I don’t know.

I ate the book before I could read it.

Rawr.