Dear Pittsburgh,

The Pirates won their home opener to the tune of 11-5 and I just wanted to say, “You are welcome,” and that “gifts of carcass are customary in such a circumstance.”

Fearing that 17 years of losing wasn’t enough motivation for the Pirates to play like winners, I decided to go and give a little motivational “pep talk” to the team before their first game of the season.

And by “pep talk” I mean teethy, rawr-filled threats of bodily harm.

Let me answer your questions now: No, I wasn’t invited. Yes, I broke in. No, Norm didn’t know about it.  Yes, someone called him. No, he wasn’t happy. Yes, he went Rambo on me with it.  No, I don’t know anything about the 150 pounds of hot dogs that disappeared.

Yes, I could use some Pepto, thanks.

Rawr.