This Saturday is the Pittsburgh St. Patrick’s Day parade, and as it is for all downtown parades, I’ll have the best spot on the sidewalk to watch the action as the parade rolls right in front of me. And this year I borrowed a camera from the Photography Department so that I can take pictures of the action.
Let’s discuss the rules again, in case you’ve forgotten:
1. Do not sit on me.
2. Do not climb on my back.
3. Do not climb on my head.
4. Do not touch my tail.
5. Do not put anything in my mouth except carcass.
6. Do not bring food within 30 feet of me if you don’t plan to share it with me.
7. Do not stand in between me and any of the horses taking part in the parade.
8. Do ignore all of these rules if you are a cute babe.
As you know, the Art Institute of Pittsburgh is partnering up with WearPittsburgh to provide three shirts you might want to wear at the parade.
Norm asked me which I wanted to wear and this is what happened:
Norm: Whaddaya think?
Me: Do you really need to ask? A shirt that instructs cutie pies to smooch me or two shirts that don’t? Do the math.
Me: Dinosaur plus handsome times a billion plus instructional shirt minus Sally equals lots of smooches for Rex.
Norm: That’s a hell of an equation. I see you borrowed a camera from Photography.
Me: I’m going to take some unbelievable pictures of the parade. You might want to clear a date at the art gallery for a showing of my photographs. I’ll sell them for $40,000 each, easily.
Norm: Have you taken a picture with a camera ever in your life?
Me: Hmm, can’t say that I have.
Norm: I see. Why don’t you go ahead and practice on me? Go ahead. Pick up that camera and hold it up in front of your face and click the button. Go on. You got it in your hands? Got it? Okay, now using your GIANT LONG arms, lift that camera up high enough in front of your face so you can see the view-finder. Up. Up. This is up, that is not up. Up. Higher. Higher. Are you lifting, Rex? That’s all the higher you can go? To your throat? Do you see my point, Rex? Don’t stomp on the camera, REX!
Dear Photography Department, about that camera you loaned me. Yeah, I don’t know anything about that.