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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Fetch, Spike!

111909sereno.jpg_20091119_11_46_18_16#h=280&w=400

While reading the morning news, I came across an article from the Chicago Sun Times discussing that paleontologists, those quacks, have discovered that there were giant crocodiles that once roamed Earth, walked like dogs, and supposedly ate dinosaurs.

I’ll give you a moment to laugh at that.

Done?

Okay.  Read:

“We have crocs that ate plants and galloped and ate dinosaurs and were flat as a board,” said Sereno, who unearthed the skeletons over the last several years in the Sahara.

The crocs include:

• BoarCroc (Kaprosuchus saharicus), a 20-foot meat-eater. It used its snout for ramming and three sets of dagger-shaped fangs for slicing dinosaurs it ate.

Hey, paleontologists?   I’m a T-Rex, a monstrous killer death lizard, the king of dinosaurs, the king of beasts, the king of Steeler Nation.  We dinosaurs kept BoarCrocs as pets.

And the only thing my BoarCroc Spike ever rammed his snout into was Blor’s kid Blor, because come on, that’s just funny to watch him run to his dad Blor while crying, “Agooma seechee woo!” which in Stupid B.C. translates roughly to “I am a giant whiny baby.”

Rawr.


Rex

Light Up Night 2009!

Because I don’t say this enough, I am a freaking fantastic mentor.

Because I don’t get enough pats on the back for that, please, hot babes, come here and give me a pat on the back.

I took Jake to Light Up Night in downtown Pittsburgh last Friday and while any old dinosaur can use his perfectly right-sized and useful arms to hold a camera and snap some awesome pictures, it takes a special dinosaur, a talented dinosaur, to instead create original artworks depicting the fun of the evening.

This first one is called, “NO, JAKE!”

As you can see, Jake wanted to steal the bag of toys from Santa.  I tell you, you allow your mentor to participate in one teeny tiny Stanley Cup heist and the next thing you know, he thinks he can just steal anything he wants.  I scolded him and lured him away with the promise of fireworks.

As you can see, the city was so crowded it was hard to find a place for two giant dinosaurs to stand to watch the fireworks display.  Lucky for Jake and I, we were able to watch while taking a dip in the river.   If you look at the bridge, ninth person from the left, you’ll see Norm aiming the tranq gun at us.  He failed.

Lousy shot.  After the show, we headed over for some ice skating at PPG plaza.

What?  Don’t you judge me unless you can say that you’ve never flung human beings out of an ice rink to make room for you and your mentee to skate freely.

Like I said, I’m a fantastic mentor.  Come pat my back.

Rawr.


Rex

Super Ninja Robot Sea Monster Dino!

While I was angrily ranting and raving about those jerk Geekologie writers making fun of my arms, AIP student Eric happened to be walking by and this happened:

Rex: RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eric: You okay, Rex?

Rex: RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eric: Uh-oh. What happened?

Rex: RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  [shows Eric the Geekologie post]

Eric: Aw. Silly nerds.  Here, this will make you feel better.

And Eric whipped out his drawing pad and quickly sketched a picture showing how he views me:

robotdino

Yes. Robot Ninja Sea Monster Dinosaur rules Pittsburgh!

I asked Eric to be sure to include in the sketch the Geekologie writers, Barney, Matt Lamanna, Scott Mervis and all the other enemies I have and he did.

Don’t you see them?

They’re in that there plane I just sent down in a ball of fire.

I feel better already.

Rawr.


Rex

The post in which my anger mysteriously shrinks my ferocious arms.

I am a regular reader of the Geekologie site because they love dinosaurs and all things dinosaur related.

That is until THIS post, pointed out to me by my adoring fan Mike:

geekologiedino

Putting aside the sacrilege of the whole thing, they had to go and rip on my arms?!

My arms can’t hold anything, is that right, Geeks?

Then how, dear Geekologie writers, am I able to pick up this tranq gun to shoot your —

Picking up this tranq gun right now and coming to your–

Darn it!

Picking up this –

Pick –

HELL!

Somebody come here and shoot me already!

Norm?

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic .
Rex

Pitt is still it!

Being the amazing and devoted mentor that I am, I took Jake to the Pitt/Notre Dame game this weekend for some college football fun.

We started our evening with plans to tailgate but unfortunately we couldn’t find a grill large enough for our carcass.  I won’t say what the carcass used to be but I will say this: If any large animals are missing from the zoo — large striped animals that look like horses — Jake and I don’t know anything about that.

Forgoing tailgating, we headed to game.  Here we are in the stands watching one of the more tense moments of the game:

You’ll notice Jake is screaming his head off, which is pretty much how he was the entire game.  I’m not sure he has the constitution to handle the up and down rollercoaster that is college football.  When Baldwin caught his amazing touchdown pass, Jake roared so loud the lights flickered. True story.

After the game and the appropriate amount of Notre Dame fan heckling, Jake and I went to Bettis Grille 36 for a late dinner only to discover that they didn’t have chairs big enough to accommodate our size.

Don’t worry.  I’ve already lawyered up over this obvious dinosaur discrimination.

Jerome better watch his back.  And his mailbox.  That Cindy Berger chick doesn’t take any crap from anybody, not even The Bus.

cindyberger

I’m thinking $87 million sounds about right, Cindy.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

Bananas.

foodtheory

(source)

If you must know, yes, they tried.  But first of all, Noah had nothing to do with it.  He let the monkeys loose and those monkeys were very jealous of us dinosaurs.

Second of all, the monkeys obviously missed because they have poor aim and because, ta-da!, we’re still here.

Third of all, when we finally hit dry land, the dinosaurs had a chit chat with the monkeys about their failed annihilation attempt.  It went well.

Fourth of all, monkeys are delicious.

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric .
Rex

What in the name of eBay?!

Today I was looking into how I can go about putting my fantastic paintings on eBay, since no Pittsburghers have yet taken me up on my extremely generous offers to sell. Sheesh.  Acting like 45 thousand dollars is a lot of money.

Cheap humans.

While I was there on eBay, I decided to hunt around at some other dinosaur art.  Not art BY a dinosaur, mind you, because I’m pretty sure I’m the only dinosaur on the planet talented enough to paint, but art OF dinosaurs.

I found this:

Several things:

1. Dinosaurs don’t have bellybuttons.  I would know because I’ve flung enough students into the Mon who got brave enough to look.  There’s no bellybutton there.  Stop trying to look.  I don’t pick you up and lift your shirt up do I? No.  Because I have class.  And because I would get tranqued.

2.  This “dinosaur” makes Barney look like a terrifying kid-eating monster.

3.  The description indicates that this was a dinosaur character considered for some sort of animated production.  What do you suppose the name of that production was? “Foofy the Dorky Dinosaur Takes a Cruise”?

But even that title doesn’t explain that sock-hat he’s wearing.  Or his stupid facial expression.  Or the suspenders.  Or the neckerchief.

And why is he standing like that?  Does he need to poop?  Did he just dismount his horse?  Can I eat the horse?

Too many questions, not enough juice in the tranq gun.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species:
Rex

Halloween 2009.

Jake and I had such a blast this Halloween!

We started our evening handing out candy to AIP students and that was awesome for about three minutes because that’s how long the candy lasted before Jake snarfed it all down.

I used to be like Jake, eating all the candy I could get my mouth on, even going so far as stealing candy from young trick or treaters.  But I only did that one time back in the 1950s.

How was I supposed to know it wasn’t a real rabbit?!  And relax, I didn’t eat the kid.  He had at most one or two puncture wounds before my old handler Matty tranqued me within an inch of my life.  The point is, I learned my lesson.  Don’t eat ANYTHING on Halloween just because it looks like an animal.

So this Halloween, to be sure we were looking at REAL animals, Jake and I headed to the Zoo to trick or treat.

Can I just tell you, contrary to what you may believe, the Pittsburgh Zoo will not in fact toss a baby monkey into your treat bag just because you show up in a caveman outfit and say “Trick or treat!”

Not only will they not give you a monkey, they will kick you out and call your handler who will come to the zoo with guns blazing.

Blazing, I tell you.

When I came to, it was this morning and who should be standing in front of me, mocking my outfit, calling me Barney and being all brave-like, but Chachi.

Lucky for me, it didn’t take me but a moment to clear my head and realize I was still holding a club and that I was still a fierce monstrous killer death lizard.

Here lies Chachi.

Someone come get his body.  I’m not saying he’s dead, but he sure does stink.

Rawr.