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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Mail time.

Mixed in with the adoring fan mail I receive, are letters that I feel deserve a public response, as opposed to the normally private responses I send stating, “You’re cute. Call me. Don’t tell Sally. Bring Carcass. Rawr. Rex.”

1.  Reader Sean wanted to know what I, the King of Steeler Nation, predicted for this year’s Steelers.  Here are my responses:

  • Number of James Harrison sacks: Not enough.
  • Limas Sweed’s numbers: 1 and 4.  And I bet when he does math he’s all, “Drop the 1, drop the 3, drop the …” because it’s not like he catches or carries anything.
  • Stefan Logan, greatest returner in team history or another Allen Rossum?: You mean that guy that basically handed the ball to the other team last week?  I predict he gets eaten by a dinosaur named Rex.
  • Will Jeff Reed be arrested during the season? Seriously?  That’s like asking “Will we have a cloudy, gray day in Pittsburgh this fall?” or “Will Norm tranq Rex into next Tuesday when he learns where Leo and Leonis just showed up?”  There’s a 100% chance of yes.
  • Who will lead the team in touchdowns scored? Not Willie Parker that’s for stinking sure.
  • Season prediction (please include the team record): This season will rock and the team record is “Renegade.”

That was easy.  You’re welcome, Sean.

2.  This is from reader Paul:

With you being the biggest and most ferocious Pittsburgh sports fan out there I was hoping that there is some way in which you can help out the Pittsburgh Pirates. First I thought you could give them a pep talk on how the city wants to see the Pirates succeed. Afterall look at how we have embraced the Steelers and Penguins, don’t they want to have a parade with several hundred thousand human fans and one awesome dinosaur? If that won’t work you can scare them into being being better with a ferocious RAWR and your intimidating demeanor. Maybe you can send in Jake to practice his intimidation skills, also to Norm to tranq the upper management staff into doing everything in their power to get a better team. I just want to see the Pirates do better just as much as you like eating octopus for an appetizer.

Aw. How cute.  He wants to see the Pirates do better.  First, tranquing upper management won’t do anything but make them even more dead to winning than they already are.  What they need actually is a kick in the pants and by pants I mean bum and by bum I mean wallets.  But you’re in luck, Paul!  They lost 99 games this season.  It’s not like they can do much worse. HAHAHAH!  That’s a joke.  They can totally do much worse.

3.  And finally, this from hot babe Shannon:

Rex, just wondering if you ever gave Jesus a lift?

To be honest, once when he was a kid I did let him go for a ride, but only because his asteroid-hurling Dad scares the poop out of me, so I pretty much had no choice.  I did it for the survival of my species.

You’re welcome, species!

Rawr.


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