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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Various Curiosities

1. No posting yesterday because I was busy with Jake, finalizing plans for the super secret caper we’re going to pull off that has nothing to do with a certain 35 lb. cup-like trophy currently residing somewhere in Sewickley. Nothing at all.

Heh.

2.  On twitter, I saw this from an adoring fan:

Well, you need only take a look at the movie poster and you’ll quickly see that this will be the greatest movie of this human generation and that it will win every single Oscar next year, even the foreign language film. It’s going to be that epic.

Woolly mammoth. Mmmm.  Plus, they come already equipped with after-meal toothpicks.

3. Are you jealous that Norm gets to hang out with a giant awesome dinosaur all the time? Do you wish you could get your own giant awesome dinosaur to wrangle and yell at and tranq?

Now, for the low low price of $48,000, you kind of can!

4.  Now, brace yourselves for some Math!

1 fearsome handsome dinosaur +

6 months +

20 hours of classes per week -

3 hours of necessary sleep per night +

1 time suctioning mentee

+ 35 tranqings

= VACATION!

I’m spending next week visiting my friends all around the world.

First stop, Scotland to visit my best friend Lester.  Here we are swimming in the lake the last time I was able to get out for a visit:

(source)

Ah, I can already hear the relaxing sounds of nature and the horrified screams of the people.

Someone be sure to check in on Norm for me from time to time, okay? I’m sure he’s going to miss having me around for target practice.

See you in a week!

Rawr.


era: Prehistoric . species: , , , ,
Rex

Being all mentor-y and awesome.

Jake had never been to a baseball game before, so of course I insisted he and I attend a Pirates game as part of our Big Dinosaurs of America mentor/mentee time.

I have been a baseball fan since before your grandparents were born, as evidenced by this picture I fished out of my stuff (Hey, Norm, I messed up my stuff.  Clean it please?)

(source)

I know.  It is a great hat.

So, back to present day, I took Jake to the ballgame today to experience the ballpark, the atmosphere, the hot dogs, and of course, the pierogi race.

Here’s Jake devouring a Primanti’s sandwich, to which he said when he saw the size of it, “You’re joking right? Are there 600 more where this came from? I’m going to need something a little more elephant-ish in size.”

(source)

(Jake’s creator)

But then the pierogi race started, and well, as you can see, Jake saw the humongous pierogies running away from him and his hunter’s instinct kicked in, because not only is chasing prey a huge adrenaline rush, but how often does a dinosaur get to chase a fleeing giant pierogi of all things?  Almost never.

So, here’s Jake on the hunt, and there’s me watching from the stands.

(source)

Look how scared that pierogi is.  You should have heard it beg for its life as Jake neared.

I have never been so proud.

The manatee has become the mento.

Rawr.
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era: Cenozoic,Prehistoric . species: , ,
Rex

If you’re a carnivore …

… then this will be the best thing you’ve seen all day.

I think I will just keep being AWESOME, thank you very much.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic .
Rex

A vacation story. Pictures by Norm. Words by Rex.

Please accept my apologies that I did not post anything on Friday.  As you recall, that was graduation day at AIP, so you can imagine the hustle and bustle of the day for a graduate like me.

I’m not the only one that was AWOL on Friday.  As you also recall, my wrangler Norm was on vacation last week which meant I got to post whatever I wanted to without it having to go through The Wrangler Filter of Suctioning the Fun out of Everything.

Well, as it happens, Norm is too busy today to turn off my publishing abilities.  AND he emailed me some pictures from his trip. AND I don’t have to get his approval before I post them. And I love this.

Here’s Norm’s vacation photos.  With captions by Rex. Because all Norm did was clog my email with a bunch of enormous pictures and tell me he’d catch up with me later.  I guess it is up to me to fill in the blanks.

Only a dinosaur wrangler and maybe “Dr.” Matt Lamanna would use their vacation time to see MORE dinosaurs, but that’s exactly what Norm did with his vacation.

That’s his summer wrangler hat, in case you’re wondering.

What’s happening in that picture is Norm is thinking, “I miss Rex so much.  I wonder what that fearsome and far superior being is doing right now.”

NOT stealing the Stanley Cup, that’s for sure, Norm. No, sir, I would never do such a thing.

Moving on:

Ever see those pictures of people who position themselves just so and then pretend like they’re holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa?  Here’s Norm’s dinosaur version where he holds up the neck of what looks to be a dinosaur with a serious disease that turned her skin greenish blue.  Look, she’s totally about to puke on that car.  I hope that’s Norm’s car.

Ha. Ha. Norm. So funny. Look at you holding up the giant dinosaur neck with your head.

In that picture, Norm is thinking, “Rex is really the best dinosaur ever and I can only hope to one day be as magnanimous, awesome, perfect, popular and brilliant as he. When I get back home to Pittsburgh I am totally taking him to the farm for a snack.”

And finally, we have this picture:

Apparently, as he often does, Norm has done something to tick off this puking puke-green dinosaur, because that’s a “you’re going to die now” look if I’ve ever seen one.

Instead of running for his life like he should, Norm is thinking, “Rex is just the best. It is far time I realized that I will never be as adored or magnificent as he. In fact, I miss him so much, I will never tranq him again. No matter what he does. Not even when he steals the Stanley Cup.”

Er. I mean IF.  “IF he steals the Stanley Cup.”

Wink.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , ,
Rex

Mentoring. Because I have knowledge.

I try to be a generous monstrous killer death lizard.

I — you’re laughing. That’s quite rude.

I know I have a lot of enemies. I know I’m easily angered. I know I have killed a lot. I know — yeah, I know why you’re laughing.

But still, giving back is important, so I’ve taken a youngster under my wing, so to speak. Of course if I had a wing, I’d be a pterodactyl and if I was a pterodactyl, I’d be a wuss … I’ve digressed.

I signed up to be a mentor with Big Dinosaurs of America.  Meet Jake.

(Created by student Josh Hoover)

He’ll be shadowing me for a bit as I teach him the things he didn’t learn in school.

As you can see, he excelled brilliantly at Lesson #1:  Roaring and Looking Super Scary

Now we’re walking down the block for Lesson #2: Making Scott Mervis Pee his Pants … Twice.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

Smoooooth.

Can I just tell you how good it felt to shave my playoff beard once I tracked down a machete sharp enough to cut through the thick macho mass?

Here I am looking clean-shaven and as you can see, very very smart.

funny pictures
Graduation is set for Friday and the keynote speaker is Mayor Fetterman from Braddock.  He’s going to give me a shout-out in his speech.  I just know it, because I’m getting my 477th college degree and I’ve already got the silly hat to prove it.

One of those 477 degrees was a Bachelor of Arts in Stupid B.C.  Yes, I once learned the language of the cave people, but I’ve lost most of it now.  All I can say in Stupid B.C. these days is “meeka shoooka poobin reeree kaka foo” which roughly translates to “I eat you now, stupidface.”

Rawr.


Rex

Parade! Again!

Like all Pittsburghers, there are three things I can’t get enough of: ponies, fireworks, and parades.

Good thing we’re the City of Champions (and the Pirates. Oh, yes, I went there.) so we have lots of chances for ticker tape victory parades.

For the most part, the humans stayed off of me during the parade, until these two yahoos (technical term) hopped up for photos.

That is a photo from the Post-Gazette. (Excuse me while I look down at their building and hiss in the general direction of that [redacted by Rex] Scott Mervis. Hissss.)

First, the blond holding my hand? Total babe. Don’t tell Sally!

Second, the yahoos, they’re totally standing on me. It’s okay. Here’s the after picture:

Don’t mess with Rex, or you get the flung rubber band treatment.

Also, you’ll note I flung them through the air at such a speed they lost their clothes somewhere in midair.  I can’t even tell you how awesome that is.

Rawr.


Rex

Winner winner pony dinner!

Norm is on vacation this week and that means several things:

1. Free publishing rights for me, which means no stupid redacting when I want to call Marian Hossa a [redacted by Rex]. (I promised Norm I would behave. So I’m behaving and redacting myself. This is maturity, Norm!)

2.  No threat of being tranqed when I pick up anyone that dares climb up on me during today’s parade and I fling them into the Mon like a screaming rubber band. “Look at him fly!”

PENGUINS! Can we please recap?

Four games in which I had an octopus in my jaws = 4 wins

Three games in which I had NO octopus in my jaws = 3 losses

Clearly, I should be allowed a sip or two directly from the Stanley Cup. Or at the very least be allowed to walk in the parade to bask in the adoration of the entire city.

Hmph. Wonder what it will take for me to get my hands on the Cup? Just for a day or two.

I watched Game 7 with Norm and he only had to tranq me twice and I only had to tranq him once … right after the Red Wings scored and he went ballistic. But don’t worry, he came to in enough time to give me a good talking to right before Marc Andre Fleury made the save of his life as the last second ticked off the clock.

That earthquake you may have felt if you were anywhere near downtown was me picking up Norm like a baby doll and jumping up and down and up and down while roaring at the top of my roar.

The parade is going to be insane today.  If you’re downtown, stop by and say hi to your good friend Rex, without whom the parade would never have even been possible.

Also, if the Stanley Cup should mysteriously disappear at any point during the parade route and reappear in my hands, well, as usual, as always, I don’t know anything about that.

Rawr.


Rex

im in ur bordz …

funny pictures

Today is all about hockey.  I can’t stop thinking about hockey to the point that Sally can’t stand to be around me anymore because I’m like, “And then I ran into Matt Lamanna and hockey I chased him hockey for about three hockey blocks before hockey he started crying hockey hockey hockey.”

I can’t argue with her that I’m being obsessive.

There are so many things being said today by Penguins fans as we pump ourselves up.  Things like:

Psst. Councilman Peduto? THEY’RE going to take THEIR stuff over THERE.  Okay? Okay.

And so many pictures being emailed around as we attempt to express visually that which we feel way deep down but can’t find words adequate enough.  Things like:

Those pictures were actually created by AIP staff member Sunil Ketty

But despite what we say and despite what we create, it all … always … comes down to math.

Mojo > No Mojo

Iceburgh > Stinky dead eight-legged cephalopod

Everything on Earth > Marian Hossa

Me > Everything on Earth

Penguins > Red Wings

Rawr.


Rex

Rex’s (and Sally’s) Call

All this hockey insanity (I still have the Mojo Octopus in my jaws. It has been bolted and booby-trapped and possibly wired with explosive dino poop, so again, step off) means that I haven’t checked in with Cat and her jaunty hat lately to give you advice from a dinosaur’s perspective.

Let’s see what delicious nuggets of wisdom she wrote this week:

DEAR CAT: Last year at this time I was diagnosed with cancer and began months of chemotherapy. I am happy to say I beat it and am now cancer-free! My question to you is: Am I damaged goods, so to speak, when it comes to women and dating now? I am a single, straight, never-been-married, educated thirtysomething male. I’m pretty average-looking and in decent shape. I have a great family and wonderful friends. Why am I still single? I have always been a “friend” to girls, not a “boyfriend,” and I don’t know why. Since I’ve had limited success in the past with women, it seems that being a cancer survivor is a strike against me. I appreciate your thoughts. — DAMAGED GOODS?

REX’S CALL: I’m a guy. A giant, handsome, muscular guy, so I didn’t think I could offer advice to you about this, so I asked my girlfriend Sally to give you advice.  She said:

SALLY’S CALL: Mmmmmmmrawr. Cancer survivors are hot. Don’t tell Rex.

Uh, Sally, I’M RIGHT HERE! God.

Anyway, sir, you’re not damaged goods. Go find yourself a girl, grab her by the shoulders, show her a scar and say, “Yo. I beat cancer. Kiss me.”

How do you think I landed Sally? I grabbed her and said, “Yo. I beat the extinction. Kiss me.”

Rawr.