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Hi, I'm Rex, I'm a dinosaur and this is my blog.

Rex

Rexy = Not Okay!

You’ll remember that I talked to you about the Will Farrell movie coming out called Land of the Lost and we also discussed how magnificent the monstrous killer death lizard appears to be in the trailer.

There’s another current movie with a dinosaur and that movie is called a Night at the Museum: Battle at the Smithsonian.

I saw this post from Pittsburgh’s very own Annoyed Angel and I learned some things.

1.  The dinosaur in the movie is named … wait for it … Rexy.

That’s one letter away from Rex, but also one letter away from Roxy, three letters away from icky and approximately 15 letters away from ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

2. If you go to McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal with your human kids, they will get their very own Rexy to play with.

You’ll notice that according to McDonald’s, a T-Rex’s feet are equal to the length of his body.

Clearly they hired “Dr.” Matt Lamanna as their scientific adviser when they designed Rexy.

3. Rexy comes with a trading card that informs us that Rexy is like a puppy dog that likes to wag his tail and play fetch.

The only thing a REAL monstrous killer death lizard likes to fetch is dead meat and the last time I wagged my tail I knocked down 40 vendor carts at the Three Rivers Arts Festival. I couldn’t help it. My tail gets waggy when I smell gyros.

4.  The pièce de résistance (translated to English that’s “piece of resistance”)  though is the video of Rexy walking.

You must watch it so that you too can experience the stumbling, bumbling, drunken gait.

In other words, exactly how I walk those first moments after Norm tranqs me.

As for Annoyed Angel, she asks what I would like her to do with Rexy.

I did Rock, Bamm-Bamm, Pebbles, spear, axe! with Norm to decide, and I won.

I hope you have an axe.

Rawr.


Rex

Various Curiosities

1.  It begins Saturday. Red Wings. Penguins. Rematch.

Let’s break it down with Math Time with Rex: Making you Mathier

1 2008 Red Wings team

+ 1 very despicable Marian Hossa

+ Bad Karma

- God

+ The Devil

<

1 2008 Penguins team

- 1 despicable Marian Hossa

+ 1 Bill Guerin

+ God

+ Good Karma

That’s right. This year, we’re the better team.

2.  I found another great picture of my hockey-playing days for you to enjoy.

I agree with you, orange really is a great color on me. Wow.

Note the blood stains on my teeth. It goes without saying that this was an exceptionally bad day for Blor’s kid Blor.

You’re going to high-stick a monstrous killer death lizard, you’re going to get up close and personal with the hangy thing in the back of my throat.

Yes, dinos have those, too.

You learned something today!

3.  This KIND of makes me feel bad about how much I hate the Red Wings:

God help me, but I kind of love Beth, too.

Don’t tell Sally!

She’s still mad about Gertie.

4.  When I first saw these cookies being sold at the Pretzel Shop in the South Side I thought to myself, Rex, clearly these people are huge fans of yours and so much so that they have baked cookies in your image.

But then I noticed the cookies were … purple.

And then I realized maybe these are … Barney cookies?

BARNEY COOKIES?! In PITTSBURGH?! WHERE I LIVE?!  WHERE I RULE?!?

I didn’t get a chance to “speak” to the owners because I blacked out.  I suspect Norm tranqed me, but I can’t be sure since when I came to he was nowhere to be found.

So listen, if you see Norm cowering somewhere in fear mumbling, “Just sit still. Stop shaking. He’ll never look here.” Don’t disturb him. Just tell me where he is and I’ll play hide and seek and eat with him.

He loves that game.

Rawr.

 


Rex

Sweeping up after the Scattered Showers

No, I’m not doing chores, regardless of how many times Norm and Sally have asked me to clean up after myself.

I asked Norm to get me a broom to celebrate the Penguins’ recent sweep of the Carolina Hurricanes.

Or as I call them, the Carolina Scattered Showers.  Poor inconsistent, random, isolated Scattered Showers.

Did you notice that Sidney Crosby and other Penguins touched the Prince of Wales Trophy when that is considered to be bad luck? It is interesting to note that your friend Rex had a role in the origin of that superstition.  You see way way way … WAY back when I played hockey, my team did not win the Prince of Wales Trophy and as they presented the trophy to the captain of the winning team, Blor’s kid Blor … well, I lost it.  I couldn’t stand to see him touching the trophy, so I chomped him good and he never skated again.

Thus, kids, it became known that it is really bad luck to touch the Prince of Wales Trophy.  You could get chomped.

But moving on, bring on the Red Wings. Bring on Marian Hossa (mostly so I can eat him). Bring on their giant smelly octopi. Bring it all. The Penguins will have an answer.

You’ll also notice from the above picture a few other things:

1. Playoff beard, still awesome.

2.  Me, still handsome.

3.  Background, we’re getting ready for graduation here at AIP.  Doesn’t it appear that two of those arms belong to a person trying to grab my tail, or worse yet, grab my butt?

Wow. Both of those are really really bad ideas.

Rawr.


Rex

Noms!

You know that site that has the cute little snack foods?  You know the one with the words over the snacks? You know, the snacks with the horrible grammar and even worse spelling? You know, the one with the noms? Yeah, THAT site.  They’re having a contest to coincide with the release of Will Ferrell’s new movie Land of the Lost. See:

Eek! Wook at the wittle kitty.

The point of the contest is that humans are supposed to take pictures of their noms (that’s what I call cats. They’re not tasty and in fact they’re quite beef-jerkyish, but still, very nom-able) doing their best rawr.

Since noms can’t really rawr any more than fish can rawr, I asked Norm to show them what a RAWR really is:

Doesn’t that look better? No one will ever run screaming from a nom, but EVERYONE runs screaming from these mandibles of death.

You should watch the trailer for this movie if only so you can see what happens at 1:50.

Yesssss.

Rumor on campus is that an AIP grad worked on this film. I’m going to get to work on getting to the bottom of that, just as soon as I finish these noms.

I think you know what I mean.

Yesssss.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: ,
Rex

Various Curiosities.

1.  What in the name of the lightning bolts of Zeus has gotten into Evgeni Malkin?

He is a man on a mission and that mission is to win the Stanley Cup and hopefully to give us more interviews like the one that he gave yesterday in which he basically said, “Mom. Love. Cook. Game. Goal. Dad. Shoot.”

Those were all the words I understood.  I tried to translate more but I don’t speak Hockey God.

And then there was Norm on twitter, as the game ended, once again showing off his death grip on the English language.

That’s poetry, Norm. Is that how you say “hat trick” in Hawaiian?

2.  How long do you think before Geno’s parents just start making out in the stands when he scores a goal?

3. I think I’ll watch the next home game at the big outdoor screen with the rest of the fans. Norm, I’m going to need you to get there early and block off a 15-foot by 15-foot space for me. Use velvet rope, please.  If anyone gives you a hard time, tag their shoulder with a Sharpie and I’ll maim them when I get there.

4.  Rexrolled you!

5.  Do not freak out, because I freaked out a little bit and broke some sidewalks (Sorry, Mayor Luke!  Send the bill to AIP to the attention of Paul Pezich).  Would you look at this computer mouse that transforms into a Monstrous Killer Death Lizard?

This is a very very okay product!

If he knows what’s good for him, Norm is getting me one of these for Christmas.  I’ll probably give him my usual gift … stress.

6.  A NOT Okay product?

A dinosaur pinata? NOT okay!

Hey, how about I shove some hard candies down your throat and then beat you with a pointy stick until you puke them back up?

7. Math time!  My new motto for this portion of the blog is “Math Time with Rex.  Making you mathier because you’re chromosomally inferior.”

I still love you, so help me help you.

2 regular weekend days +

1 holiday day -

1 dinosaur wrangler who is busy partying on Monday -

1 imminent threat of tranquing +

1 dinosaur with the knowledge of Matt Lamanna’s whereabouts =

No posting on Monday.

Rawr.


Rex

Penguins, pride and poop.

Today I obliged some of the staff at AIP with a photo op to give them a chance to show off their Penguins pride on this the day of Game 2.

Here’s the group shot:

1.  Notice they brought me gifts.  A black and gold pom-pom and a Winter Classic blue hat.

I love my people.

2.  Notice my beard. Still frickin’ awesome.

3.  Notice that none of the babes are kissing me on the cheek. I’m sad by this. (Don’t tell Sally!)

Here’s me and my wrangler Norm who surreptitiously doffed his hat and holstered his tranq gun so as to appear harmless.

1.  Notice whose playoff beard is awesomer.  Hint … rawr.

2.  Notice that Norm used PhotoShop to make himself appear taller. That’s sad.

3.  Notice that I have apparently just pooped out a penguin.

I am never eating at the zoo again.

Rawr.


Rex

Fan-tastic art!

Norm told me I had mail and I assumed he meant e-mail, but in reality, I had mail. You know, MAIL MAIL. Postal service mail. Letter carrier mail. Pony express mail.

Mmmm, ponies. Wait. Where was I? Right, MAIL!

A fan of mine drew this little cartoon for me:

I have some things to say:

1. This is a true to life representation of the adulation and adoration I receive from the AIP students on a daily basis.

2.  In this cartoon “rawr” clearly means “I love you.”

3.  Please notice the [redacted]-eating grin on Wrangler Norm’s face as he aims his Tranq Gun of Doom at me. This is a true to life representation of Norm’s ridiculously jittery trigger finger. I can’t rip one tiny limb off of anything without him giddily gunning for me. One of these days I’m going to steal it, shoot him in the butt and when he comes to muttering about unicorns, YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

4.  Norm wishes he was that tall.

5.  It is a tough job being the bomb diggity, but my God, someone has got to do it.

Know who else is the bomb diggity? Whoever drew this for me.

Rawr.


Rex

Mad dance skillz

Today I took a walk to take in all of the wonderful sunshine we’re having here in Pittsburgh when I ran into my good friend Dolly in Shadyside.

Poor Dolly.

It would appear someone mistook her for an EXOTIC DANCER!

Source.

How rude. But in defense of the person that left the single there, it might be confusing because Dolly never wears clothes, unlike yours truly. But in defense of Dolly, she was nowhere near McKees Rocks.

Also, why don’t any humans ever come up to me and offer me cash like this? I’m offended by this because I can really bust a move and if you’ve never seen your good friend Rex bust a move, then you’ve never seen a move busted.

I’m especially awesome at the ‘NSYNC “Bye-Bye-Bye” dance and I can churn a barrel of butter like an Amish hip-hop star.

Rawr.

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Rex

Teaching the humans how it’s done.

Eat your heart out Mikey and Big Bob.

Eat your heart out Mario Lemieux.

While you all are growing beards for charity, and that’s a wonderful thing because as you know, I’m a very charitable person provided you don’t steal my shoes, make fun of my arms, look at my girlfriend wrong, look at me wrong … uh.  Anyway, your beards are positively nothing but pre-pubescent chin scruff.

This, humans, is how you grow a hockey playoff beard.

You do it overnight using the sheer force of your awesomeness.  While you sit here and admire the insane potency of my machismo, I am going to see if I can use the sheer force of my awesomeness to convince Norm to find me some carcass.

Rawr.


era: Cenozoic . species: , , ,
Rex

Various Curiosities.

1. Let’s go Pens!

Have you noticed I’m growing a playoff beard?

2.  I have a sense of humor and as proof, I tell you that this list of “9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex” gave me a chuckle (if you were downtown, maybe you felt it?), particularly reason #4.  Ignore reason #2, because it’s just not true. What is true? Carcass is delicious.

3.  Here’s a twitter update that gave me pause.

I don’t need to click on that link or speak the language to know that I’m being insulted.

fugle? sagt pip? wraaah?

Yeah? So’s your mother!

Zing.

4.  Math time! I understand Americans lag behind other countries in their math skills, so I consider it my duty to help you get mathier.

1 girlfriend named Sally +

1 ex-girlfriend named Gertie +

1 accidental meeting while Gertie is in town +

1 girlfriend unaware that ex-girlfriend existed +

1 flaring nostril * 2 +

1 underhanded insult lobbed by Gertie to Sally +

1 blatant insult lobbed by Sally to Gertie -

1 monstrous killer death lizard who knows better than to get in the way =

Dino-fight!

According to the Richter Scale, Sally won.

That’s my girl.

Rawr.